It's been awhile since I have given a truthful and honest entry on my blog. 

I have been only sharing half truths, because I just didn't feel like I wanted to burden anyone with my struggle and pain.

Truthfully, I haven't felt like I've had to offer to anyone over the past year.

The start of 2019, was very hard.

I kept my mental health battles to myself until they got to a boiling point.

Honestly, living with a Chronic Illness, Depression, and Anxiety can exhausting.

The shame I still feel for my "weakness" still prevents me from being vunerable.

Bellingham sucked.

Not because Bellingham really sucks or was their anything wrong with it.

I spent a lot of time in excruciating pain from my Endometriosis and when I would finally get out side to do something I loved I was crippled with Anxiety. I would find every excuse in the book to not get out of the car.

My Endometriosis symptoms seem to be nothing but constant.

I quit my first job that I had there because I was in such pain and crying non-stop on day two of training, I couldn't pull it together.

Me, crying in pain seems to be a constant in Bellingham.

I felt like I was in my early 20s again, wondering if I would ever be able to escape the prison that my body had become, yet again.

It's hard to admit when you feel defeated. Chronic Pain takes a hold of you and it is hard to get out of the dark place that it puts you in. Sometimes you get lost in the pain, wondering if it will ever end and you grow anger with the doctors who don't hear you or care to give you compassion.  Illness that give the victim the most pain are the ones that you feel the most invisible from the outside world. The pain often just beings and you hope that it will only last the day, instead the weeks turn into months, and you begin to wonder if there is ever a light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt hopefuless.

I was living in a place that I so badly wanted to be home, but it wasn't. January 1, was my breaking point. I just was done, done with feeling sorry for myself, done with my doctor ignoring my pain, done with letting my depression and anxiety holding me back.

I must have cried all day.

The release.

Growing up, my mom instilled in me that you only ever had one day to feel bad for yourself, after that, move forward.

I knew things weren't going to change overnight.

That my pain wouldn't magically go away.

But I needed to remind myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

It was okay for me to be exhausted.

Fighting a Chronic Illness for over 15 years wears you down and it takes a lot to keep fighting and pushing forward.

The next day, I set intentions.

Intentions for the things I wanted and needed in life.

If there is one thing I have learned about life, it seems like you are always having to step back and move forward more than you realize.

I had been trail running here and there since we moved from Boise, but I had let the passion fade quickly with my pain. I love running, I love being outside, so why wasn't I making myself do it?

Let me tell you, after getting knocked on my butt by my illness. It's freaking hard to get back up and get back to routine. But let's be real, I am no Spring Chicken, and fourty will be here before I know. Heart Disease, Intenstinal Issues, and Rheumtoid Arthritis also run in my family. So it's kind of important for me to stay active, well for me and my health.

I have to be honest here, this is where having a supportive, compassionate, and loving partner is important. I asked that Paul hold me accountable and help me with my goals. I signed up for a 25k and knew I would have to train to not embarrass myself. I returned to my Yoga Practice, something that I hate to neglect but find myself doing it more than I would life. Holding yourself accountable is worth it. These are things that if I stay consistant with, I find my depression and anxiety aren't an issue. 

I do want to add that giving myself boundaries has been important too. If I am exhausted and my body hurts, I listen to my body. This past year, I have been working on balance and knowing when I just need to honor my body and it's need to heal from constant pain.

Sometimes I wonder if I have let my fellow Endowarriors or Mental Health Advocates down by my lack of greatness. I have always wanted nothing more than to share my journey to maybe help one person who is also suffering.

I see all these people around me doing amazing things.

And yet, my list of goals continues to grow with not many being checked off.

Stupid, I know.

Maybe I just feel more like I am letting myself down, that I should have or could have done more.

 I still struggle to find balance.

I find it hard to open up about my struggles.

To let go.

To be vulnerable.

To acknowledge when I am hurting.

To accept that my Chronic Illness impacts more than just my pain levels.

That's the truth.

If you are suffering, you aren't alone.

I see you. 

I hear you.

I am here for you.

You are not alone. 

Why I Choose to Be Vegan.

     Growing up, I wasn't instilled with the healthiest eating habits. My mom limited our fast food, candy, and soda intake, but we were a meat and potatoes kind of family. Often times my family ate what was easy and affordable--that seems to happen when you are raising four kids and your husband is deployed every six months. Hot pockets, Hamburger Helper, and Spaghetti were staples of my childhood. As a teenager, I worked at a local grocery store which meant most of my meals at work came from the deli. My high school offered pizza, sodas, and salads for lunch. I often would eat a "healthy" salad drenched in ranch dressing. I would come home from school and grab a soda, eat slices of cheddar cheese, and always have ice cream for dessert. When I started college, I ate A LOT of fast food. At 21, I started to drink, a lot.

     Endometriosis and its pain have been a part of my life since I was about 15. I struggled with what I thought was irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), but still continued to eat food that wasn't nourishing or doing me any good. At 24, I started to cut out the majority of meat I consumed. At 26, I cut out all pork and limited my red meat intake. At 30, I started to become more aware of my bad genetic. My grandfather has suffered from a number of heart attacks and is diabetic, my grandmother's father also died of a heart attack, and my mom was recently diagnosis with Rheumatoid Arthritis. For me, food is medicine and can cause you either pain or give you relief.

    I had realized that over half of my life, I thought consuming pain pills, upset stomach, and constant bowel movements was normal because of my Endometriosis. As I have gotten older, I have started to look at food differently. We are what we eat right? I started to research how food could be a factor in my chronic pain and found more articles than I could count that had found that eating Vegan had helped make life more bearable for women suffering from Endometriosis.  Endometriosis is not just bad period cramps. I think that Jessica Murnane has put into words perfectly:

“For a lot of women, it’s not just feeling pain during your period; you feel it the week before, you can feel it all month. Living with chronic pain, it can really cause you to have deep depression and feel like ‘If this is going to happen every single month, what the fuck is my life,’ you know? Do I have to live like this forever!? It’s hard to be positive.”

In the Fall of 2017, I started to make my transition to a plant-based lifestyle. I am not going to lie, it was god-damn hard. I would stay strict to the diet for a month or two, then find myself eating a tub of ice cream.  I had already cut out meat completely, so that part wasn't hard for me. The first year was the hardest for me personally, because often times people think "Vegan" automatically means "healthy," which is not the case for many. Let me be clear, being Vegan is not a health food kick or a fad. It's a lifestyle choice and every week your meals have to be planned out to make sure you are getting all the nurtients you need to stay health. 

     Nothing about the process was easy for me. Yes, I love cheese, but it isn't good for my body. When I finally committed fully to the lifestyle, I noticed changes within the first month. Now, I can happily report that I do not feel like I am spending extended periods of time in the bathroom, Endo-Belly is not a thing that happens to me, and that my pain had substantially gone down in the past year. Yes, I do use other forms of treatment on my "bad" days, but have really commited to more of a natural approach. How can one really justify taking pain medication on a weekly basis and think that is maintainable? 

     I have been a part of many "Endometeroisis Support Groups," basically the majority of the conversation relates back to pain. Many of these women are living on pain medication and surgeries. Although I am no medical professional, I truly believe that what we put into our bodies greatly effects how we feel. I'm not saying that everyone should go full Vegan who is suffering from chronic pain, but I do honestly think it's worth trying for a few months to see if it could help with your pain. My choice to go Vegan was primarily for my health, but I will also credit ethical and enviromental reasons.

Lately, I have gotten quite a few messages about going Vegan.

So you want to go Vegan? Where do you start?

1.  Do Your Research

Being Vegan does not mean you are going to be automatically healthy.

I tend to stay away from highly processed meat substutites (Sorry for all you Beyond Meat Lovers, but processed food is not good for anyone.)

Understand how to get COMPLETE PROTIENS. Eating just Black Beans or Peanut Butter is not going to give you a complete protein. 

2. Don't Be Afraid to Try New Things/Make Sure You Are Changing It Up

Meal Plan, Meal Plan, Meal Plan.

It is super easy to get stuck in a funk if you aren't trying new reciepes and planning out your meals for the week. Being Vegan does mean more attention and prep for the food you are eating if you are doing it the right way. You can't eat pizza and tofu scrambles all week.

3. Understand What Your Body Needs 

Even if you aren't Vegan, I strongly advocate knowing this information. Are you getting enough fiber and vitamins you need? Especially if you live an active lifestyle, knowing what the foods you eat do for you is empowering. 

4. Getting Enough Calories 

More Veggies mean your body is going to have to eat more than it use to. I know I personally get more fiber in my diet now and my body isn't working to digest meat so everything works through my system faster. Personally, I eat 4-5 small meals a day. I also love having smoothies for snacks. 

5. Don't Forget About Iron and Calcium! 

When I was researching common mistakes Vegans make this was a top mistake. Personally, I love Spinach and eat it every day. But there are tons of other sources for Iron that I personally include in a majority of meals. 

For Calcium, I read labels. I have sweet tooth and love Chocolate Almond Milk that has been fortified with Calcium. I also love Dried Figs and add Flax Seeds to my Smoothies. 

6. Follow Recipes in the Beginning for Reliable Sources

Cooking Vegan doesn't mean eating bland food. My other half is a meat eater, but he primarily eats Vegan because I do the cooking. I followed recipes in the beginning to make sure I was getting the nutrients I needed. 

Check out: From My Bowl, Namaste Vegan, Oh She Glows, and Minimilist Baker. 

7. B12 

Yes, there are very few options on ways to get this when you are Vegan. I like to take Live Well's Vegan B12 Liquid in my Smoothies. 

Last, I want to say meal planning again has been the most important thing I have done to stay healthy. Also, I still keep a list on my fridge that has Vegan food sources for Omegas, Calcium, Fiber, Protien, etc. And go easy on yourself, if you want a cookie every once and a while that may have egg in it or you eat a farm fresh eggs here and there, that doesn't make you a bad Vegan.

     Also, I want to make something clear that are my two biggest pet peeves about being Vegan. Being Vegan does not make you better than someone who eats meat. Just because you are Vegan, you do not have the right to be self-rightous and judge others who consume meat. This is the United States of America where we are raised to eat meat, please be kind. Being Vegan is not attainable for a lot of people, but I do advocate cutting out meat products out of your diet a few days a week  and trying to source your meat from ethical sources (buying a cow from a local farmer). Small changes can drastically help with the state of the environment.  Second, if you are not Vegan please stop asking Vegans how they get their protien, vitamins, and nutrients. It is probably the most ignorant question I personally hear. Meat does not give you all the nutrients your body needs. Ever heard of vegetables, whole grains, and fruit? I can guarntee that I know much more about what is going into my body on a day to day basis than most people. 

If you are reading this and do suffer from Endometeroisis. I do credit my pain level going down because of my Vegan Lifestyle, but it isn't the only thing I have done to live with less pain. I use CBD with a small percentage of THC Tinctures and pills during my time of the month or if I do have a flare up. Also, I force myself to be active at least 4-5 times a week, even if I have pain. It can be hard and I do have to make myself run when I do have cramping. Exercise helps blood flow, releases endorphins, and lowers estrogen levels. Which means pain levels will go down.  Another suggestion is finding pelvic floor exercises that you can do a few times a week. I have found relief with Inferno Hot Pilates which focuses on the pelvic floor and core strengthing. I've also cut out alcohol and gluten drastically from my diet. Both cause inflammation. Last, listen to your body, if your tired rest. 

My Endometriosis Journey

Enjoying the views in the Sawtooths (Idaho), photo credit: Paul Jantzi

Over the last two decades, my body has been plagued with the pain, discomfort, and abnormalities of Endometriosis.  Many people have no idea what Endometriosis is and often just correlate it with bad period cramps. 

So what is Endometriosis?

"Endometriosis is when the tissue that makes up the uterine lining (the lining of the womb) is present on other organs inside your body. Endometriosis is usually found in the lower abdomen, or pelvis, but can appear anywhere in the body. Women with endometriosis often have lower abdominal pain, pain with periods, or pain with sexual intercourse, and may report having a hard time getting pregnant. On the other hand, some women with endometriosis may not have any symptoms at all." (Source: http://obgyn.ucla.edu/endometriosis)

There are 11% of us suffering from this benign disease, that isn't as simple as this definition that is given. We all have a story to tell when it comes to our journey with Endometriosis, we have are fears, our frustrations, and often feel like prisoners in our own bodies. Personally, my biggest frustrations with this disease is the fact that there is so little research done and that doctors often do not take women who are truly suffering seriously. And the scariest thing that is starting to come out? As a person who suffers from this disease, research is starting to find that those who suffer from Endometriosis are 30% more likely to have Ovarian and Uterine Cancers.

 Real Talk.

My journey with Endometriosis started at 12. It was around this age that I started getting painful, lower abdomen pain that my mother called "stomach aches" and had to leave school at least once a month early. I continued to have the weird pain on and off for weeks. At 13, I had my first menses. The pain associated with my menstrual cycle was indescribable, I knew I was suppose to get cramps and be bloated. But damn, this seemed like more than I signed up for. I would spend the few days before and during feeling like I was dying. My symptoms included: vomiting, shaking from pain, diarrhea, distended stomach, large blood clots, and headaches. Being only 13, I thought that this was normal and just what a woman had to deal with.

Three years later, with the symptoms seeming to get worst, I finally went to the doctor. The 16-year-old virgin me was less than thrilled to get a pelvic exam by my childhood doctor. In the end, my doctor attributed my pain and symptoms to "bad cramps" and decided that it would be best to put me on a birth control that regulated my cycle to every three months. At 16, I was okay with this answer and hoped that I could live a little bit more pain free and unaffected life.

I wish I could say that "cured" me and everything was rainbows after that. I still had a lot of pain and it continued to really affect my life. If I was in pain and didn't have to go to work or school, you could find me in bed. My body was in pain 90% of the time and if you have ever suffered from an injury or anything that causes you intense pain, you know how exhausting it is. I never had energy and was always tired. I lived off pain medication and my heating pad was my best friend. At 19, the not-so-virgin me started having a lot of pain and discomfort during intercourse. I did not think much about it for the first few months, but soon realized the way I was feeling was not normal.

So, I went to the doctor. After conducting the exam, the doctor let me know that he had felt a mass in my ovary. (Ummmm WHAT?!) He let me know that I could need to get in for a transvaginal ultrasound ASAP and for the first time in my life, he gave me a referral for a specialist. This was all very overwhelming at 19. At this time, it wasn't quite clear if I had a cancerous mass inside of me. The next few months were spent with ultrasounds, doctors appointments, and follow ups. Not only was there a lemon sized mass in my left ovary, the ultrasound also revealed two lime sized cysts.

The specialist had decided that surgery was the only option to figure out exactly what was going on and that the mass and cysts needed to be removed. This meant, that I would be getting major surgery that they called, "exploratory". I would be getting my entire stomach cut open while they tried to figure out what was going on inside.  Now, I have a large scar on my lower stomach to remind me of this surgery.

At the time, I was more worried about the IV. Maybe I was in denial, but I didn't realize how serious the surgery was at the time. The unknow is scary. As I was wheeled into surgery, my specialist let me know that there was 50/50 chance I would come out of surgery with any of my reproductive organs. No big deal right?  I woke up crying from surgery (I guess that's a normal thing). When I was alert, they let me know they were able to save both my ovaries and that removed the mass that they referred to as a  dermoid tumor. My specialist referred to the dermoid tumor as my vanishing twin, which is pretty gross, but interesting. She was also able to remove my two cysts successfully.

As any 19-year-old would think, I was cured, right?

Every 4-6 months I was at the specialist for appointments and more ultrasounds. My pain didn't go away, over the next two years, they suggest I work out more and tried different birth controls. Helpful right?  The pain continued and they eventually found another lime sized cyst that had to be surgically removed and my family doctor would be in the surgery. Surgery happened, but when I woke up they let me know that the cyst must have burst. They were in awe that I hadn't gone to the emergency room when this happened because it is a very painful experience. At this point, I wanted to scream at them. I was in pain all the time, so what was the difference? As a consolation prize they gave me a bunch of photos of my ovaries and the assisting doctor let me know that he had never seen someone my age with Endometriosis so bad.

*I do want to note the expensive of all of these medical procedures and surgeries. My exploratory surgery was about $10,000plus, transvaginal ultrasounds cost about $1,000 a pop, and my second surgery was about $7,000. I feel very blessed that my parents were able to help me with both of these surgeries. My father is in the military and my mother works for a college, so this greatly off-set the cost. If I did not have insurance I don't know how we would have afforded it.

EndometWHAT?

This was the first time I had ever heard this term, Like any millennial, I googled everything I could find about Endometriosis. Nothing seemed to really change over the next three years. I had accept that fact that pain and discomfort was just a part of my life. Also, I had to accept that fact that I was slowly destroying my kidneys, stomach, and liver from all the ibuprofen I took. Throughout these years, I was shocked at how easily doctors would give me prescriptions to hardcore pain meds. Carrying a child was something I wondered about over this time period too. Never have I had a strong desire to have a child, but I at least wanted the choice.

Three years went by, and I finally got a great team of doctors in Tacoma (shout out to Bonnie Hill and Dr. Szeggti at Franciscan Women's Health).  They finally made me feel heard and validated with what was happening with my body. I was so tired of feeling like a prison in my body and feeling held back by this disease. We discussed options of birth control, hormone therapy, and a surgery to remove the scar tissues.

My personal feelings towards hormone therapy are no. I could not imagine trying something that may or may not work with some pretty terrible side effects that can last forever. We changed my birth control for like the billionth time. Finally, I decided I wanted to see if another surgery would help and I opted to have the HSG Test in my Fallopian Tubes to see if I was even able to carry a child. The surgery didn't have the most positive results. Again, I was told that the severity of my endometriosis was very uncommon for my age and they were still baffled that there were no other people in my family suffering from it. The HSG test showed that I had complete blockage and that the chances of carrying a child or even having a healthy pregnancy was probably not in the cards for me.  And finally, I was officially diagnosed with Endometriosis.

How does a 25-year-old deal with this?

I didn't.

It has taken me years to come to terms of this disease. I have learned to accept that no one really has any clue what Endometriosis is. All my doctors appointments mean being an advocate for myself and making sure I understand all my options.

At 27, I was considering a full hysterectomy to escape the pain and symptoms.

Instead, I was given the last resort option before the hysterectomy. The Mirena IUD had been showing some promise for women with Endometriosis. The only catch, it can be extremely painful to place in women if they haven't had children.  I decided that this sounded like a good option and scheduled my appointment. I decided it was worth the try.

For the past five years, I have put a band aid on the majority of my Endometriosis issues. The first four years of using the Mirena were great, I noticed  the cramping and pain went down significantly. I rarely had a menstrual cycle and my endo-belly (that embarrassing distended tummy that comes with Endometriosis). I felt like I was finally living a fairly healthy life.

Until this past year (the last year before I am due to get my Mirena replaced) things have gotten bad again. My pain has been reoccurring and I seem be having a period every other week. My symptoms are exhausting and can leave me bed ridden. My immune system is significantly lowered when my body is dealing with pain and I have been sickly. Many researchers have found that patients with Endometriosis are more likely to have multiple sclerosis, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis. Now, I feel like I am starting all over again. My biggest fear is that I am going to get my IUD replaced and my symptoms wont decrease. I'm scared that I may be looking at having a hysterectomy in the next year.

Yes, I get upset. It was hard to deal with not even having the choice to have a child. I'm thankful that if I ever decide I want to have a child, I could always adopt. I get made when I have bad reactions to food, then I remind myself of those who suffer from Crohn's Disease.  I rarely feel bad for myself, because life could be much worst. Endometriosis has made me a stronger person. Although, I don't quite know what the next chapter in the journey will look like, I like knowing that I do have some choice and that I have a support system.

Now, that I have basically shared my medical history, I do want to say that there are a lot of things that I have done that have helped me greatly.

1. Consistent Physical Activity/Working Out

I cannot stress how important it is to work out at least 3 to 4 times even when you feel like your uterus is going to fall out. I try to make sure I do something every day, even if it's just walking my dog for 45 to 60 minutes. Just keep moving.

2. Diet, Diet, Diet

About a year ago, I got sick of all the stomach issues I have dealt with. I started researching on my own and found that a plant based diet was recommended for women who suffer from Endometriosis. my I cut ALL meat (including fish) out of  diet. We eat Vegan 80% of the time ( I can't give up cheese and eggs). I try not to eat any dairy prior to my cycle and during. I still love my candy and coca cola, but try to not eat processed food. Changing my diet has helped so much with my bloating and pain.

For Reference:
https://fightyourinfertility.com/69/10-deadly-foods-for-endometriosis-that-you-eat-everyday

3.  Alcohol Consumption

I rarely drink.  I enjoy a glass of wine here and there. Basically, the liver is super important to filter out all the bad toxins and bad estrogens. Drinking excessively basically aggravates the Endo.

4. Allow Your Body to Rest and Feel Pain

This is my own thing. I use to take pain meds like candy, but it really seemed to prolong the pain. If I'm having a bad flare up, I do what I need to do the day and am okay with watching Netflix. Pain is exhausting and your body needs to rest.

Endometriosis sucks.

I am not going to lie. I hope eventually to live a pain free life, but I don't know how realistic that is. People don't like talking about periods, vaginas, ovaries, and uteruses, but it's real life. Life isn't perfect. People are all on a journey and I think it's important to share so we become more comfortable with these topics. As well as, having compassion for those with diseases and other ailments. Life is tough, but it is easier if we support each other.

Love The Skin You Are In

When was the exact moment that I started being unkind to my body?

At what point did I get into the pattern of loathing myself and taking for granted the beautiful thing that is my body? My body has done some pretty incredible things for me, whether I am 140 pounds or 115 pounds.  I often wonder at what point most women begin to wish for bigger boobs, less cellulite on their thighs, and a tighter tummy. 

I wasn't always like this, but it's been almost two decades since I have since I didn't scrutinize my appearance. I was the girl who didn't care too much about her appearance. My mom made most of my clothes and what she didn't make my grandma usually would find me treasures at the thrift shop. I never thought there was anything wrong with my appearance and the thought of being pretty never really crossed my mind.  I chopped off my long hair at 6 because I hated having to sit still for my mom when she brushed it and even in dresses I had to wear shorts underneath because I had to keep up with all the boys.

The idea of having to fit in wasn't really a huge deal for me, until sixth grade. I was one of the first girls in my  class to start my period, I was confused on why I was being punished. I was flat chested and cried to my mom that I never wanted to grow up. I didn't understand why all these changes had to start happening to me, I didn't ask for any of it. Another memory comes to mind when I think about those weird teenage years and struggling with the forever-changing female. Flash forward to my 16th Birthday, I went to put on my favorite pair of size 0 Gap capris and couldn't get them over my hips. How could this be happening? For the first time ever in my life, I started to believe I was fat. My clothes didn't fit me anymore (and let's face it circa 2000 jeans were not the most flattering, why did we ever think super low hipsters were a good idea?) and I struggled with accepting my body. I didn't know what to do, besides starting to silently control every little thing that I put in my body. I would go through periods where I would not eat, perhaps my depression and anxiety went hand in hand with this. Feeling like the only thing I could control was what I ate. At 30, I have dealt with the my shoulders getting broader because of the outdoor activities. 

Over the past few months, I have seen a theme across social media. Women posting pictures that make them feel uncomfortable and dealing with negative self-talk. Opening up about their struggles to have the perfect body. How can we all not feel this way? Our mother's dealt with unrealistic images of supermodels on the cover of magazines, but our body comparisons have gotten more intimate. For most of us, we compare ourselves to others morning, noon, and night via social media. 

I am guilty of comparing.

I am guilty of secretly body shaming others in my head.

And what is that? Why do we feel it is okay to body shame others for the way their body looks? Nothing makes us superior to one another because of our weight.

Sometimes, I do not even know how it happens. The feelings of feeling insignificant and not good enough. When we moved to Boise, I had packed on 12 pounds. I wasn't as active as I had been the past summer and didn't have routine. You would think that living at a sport climbing destination would have given me my best body. Wrong. I didn't struggle so much with how I look, but how I felt. I felt incompetent and felt like I had cheated myself. How could I do this? Did I not have goals anymore? As I get older and my free time is still devoted to the outdoors, my body is more of my tool for success in the mountains.

This year, I decided it isn't about my appearance, but about how I feel about myself. I have made changes to become the healthiest version of myself. With my endometriosis bloating, cramping, and pain have been something that I use as a crutch. I committed to a eating vegan for a solid 30 days and now, have cut meat completely out of my diet and almost all dairy. I truly believe in eating for your body type. My results haven't come fast, I have busted my ass at the gym and on the trail for months. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally had the courage to weigh myself.  I have lost 10 pounds, it feels good, but I felt good before I weighed myself. 

I don't know if it will ever be about the amount of pounds I lose or my weight anymore. I am doing things that I never thought I would enjoy doing. Trail running? Are you serious?  I hated running, and now I look forward to my evening trail runs. 

I feel strong. 

So, I don't feel ashamed and I don't have trouble pressing the post button on my social media accounts. I am healthy, beautiful, and perfect just the way I am. There is no mold I need to fit into. There is no mold you need to fit, think of all the things your body does for you. Be thankful for your health, you ability to walk, enjoy the hobbies that make your heart beat, because one day, we will all be six feet under.

You are beautiful, you matter, and are important.

So, You Wanna Go Outside?

Marmot Pass ( Early Spring 2015)

As the popularity of the outdoors continue to grow over the years, I continue to see the questions posted on outdoor forums on how to get started. Over the years we are all guilty of putting things off, saying maybe next year will be the year, we let our financial situation hold us back, and in my case the biggest factor was self-confidence and not knowing where to start.

I was raised in North Idaho. I spent most of my weekends up the Coeur d' Alene River with my grandparents as a child. Somehow, I lost touch with the outdoors as I got older. My free time was spent either partying with friends, working, or studying. Making time for the outdoors was something I did not do, but I found myself often thinking, " I want to get back into hiking and biking again." Honestly, I just didn't know where to start.  

After my break-up in 2015 and leaving my career, I found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. I spent many hours obsessively scrolling through @missholldoll, @annniegirl, and @roundtheworldgirl's Instagram accounts. How the hell could I do this? And why was I not doing this? Sure, I was intimidated, the cost of items and my physical ability were my main excuses. I had a pair of hiking boots that I had bought from REI a few years prior that were still in the box and had a REI Flash Pack. Seemed like enough to get started, right?

Hurricane Ridge ( February 2015)

This was before the days of PNW Outdoor Women, so there wasn't really a way to be "educated" on what I actually needed and what I should be doing. Let me tell you, it's pretty funny to think about when I first got back into hiking as a 28-year-old adult female. You are raised to believe that your life needs to be a certain way as you approach your 30s. But my relationship with the outdoors has pushed me to love more, believe in myself, and forgive. I've done more than I ever thought I would be capable of and know that I will continue to push my limits. I started as the slowest day hiker ever to climber to skier to now getting into trail running. 

So, you wanna go outside too?

First, stop making up reasons on why you can't. Just go, even if you can think of a million reasons why not to go. You aren't going to be the fastest and you aren't going to be climbing Mount Rainier right away. Accept where you are at physically and set small goals for yourself. My first hike was Lena Lake in the Oympics. From there, I just made it my goal to keep getting out.

You don't need fancy gear, I promise. 

Things you do need:

1. Hiking Boots:  
I say boots to start because they will provide the most stability for a new hiker. TRY ON EVERYTHING AT REI, walk up and down the stairs make sure you don't have rubbing that could cause blisters and pain when you are actually on a trail.  It doesn't matter what some Insta-famous girl wears in her pictures, it matters what fits YOUR FOOT. 
My personal preference for boots? Rocky Brands (little known brand in the hiking world, but the most comfortable hiking boots I have ever worn with my wide feet, ankle issues, and foot issues), Lowa, and Salewa.

2. Day Pack (18-28L):

I started with an 18 L Flash Pack from REI.  There isn't anything fancy to the pack, it has enough space for snacks, essentials, and a water bladder. Plus you can usually find them for under $50. Just make sure your pack has enough space for at least two layers, water,  essentials, and snacks. When you decide to make the commitment to longer hikes and overnights you need to take a lot more in to account for your pack. When you do decide to upgrade your pack, BUY IT FROM REI. I went through four packs before finding one that worked for me. Being an REI member I was able to return the previous 3 bags to find something that worked for me.  Weight should not be in your shoulders and hip belt should be above your hips. 

3. Water Source:

Now I often just use a water bottle for my day trips, but when you first start hiking, I cannot stress enough getting an 2 to 3 Liter Platypus Bladder. With the bladder system you will be less likely to get dehydrated and won't forget to drink. Sounds silly, but those headaches, body cramping, and fatigue all can relate back to dehydration.  I do what I call "water loading" before going on long trips. I just focus on drinking water non-stop for a week to help avoid dehydration when I am in the mountains. 

Gothic Basin (September 2016)

4. 10 Essentials:

So what are these? 

Compass/Map: 
These are great to have to start getting familiar with directions, if you are new, stick to straight forward trails. It's easy to get wide-eyed for trails off the beaten path that require navigation skills, but you'll get to do these. Grow your confidence and abilities first for your safety and others.

Sun Protection: 
I can't stress this enough! I use a face lotion that already has SPF. I don't go hiking any time of the year without sunblock, also I prefer to where hats in the Spring and Summer for even more coverage and I love my Outdoor Research SPF Hoodie on Glaciers when I am super exposed to the sun.

First Aid Supplies: 
REI sales pre-made first aid kits. When I started hiking I bought the Day Hiker for 2 kit. Since then with thousands of miles logged, I have added other items that I have found I have needed for my trips. (Including: Allergy meds (in case of allergic reactions), eye drops, tampons, wet wipes, and spare SPF Chapstick).

Insulation: 
I loved my Patagonia Nano Puff when I first started hiking because it was synthetic (if it got wet it wasn't the end of the world) and it folds into it's own pocket. The North Face also makes the Thermoball which is basically the same concept. You can find these on Ebay for CHEAP. Lots of people will get rid of these things if zippers break or they have had to patch. A patch doesn't change the effectiveness of a coat and almost all companies have a lifetime warranty on their items. If a zipper is broke or a seam is ripped you can almost always take it to Outdoor Research, Patagonia, and North Face and they will fix it or replace it just because it is their product. 
If you live in Washington, do yourself a favor in the beginning, by a Goretex Jacket. If you want new--Outdoor Research and The North Face both have options for $199. Waterproof is less expensive, but you won't be happy for very long when you soak through it because of sweat from the inside out or the rain soaks through onto your shoulders.
Also: Gloves, Beanie, and a buff are other nice items to keep in your pack.

Fire:
 I have both waterproof matches and a lighter in my pack at all times. 

Repair Kit and Tools: 
A Leatherman or Multitool should do the trick. I see these at thrift shops all the time.

Light:

Headlamp, headlamp, headlamp. Remember you are new, and just learning how fast you are and sometimes the day just runs out. Make sure you always have light. I love my Petzl Tikka Headlamps and they are under $20.

Water:

I already covered this in the beginning, but bring more than you think you will need. Maybe the hike is harder than expected or it's hotter than planned. Or you run into a hiker who is in great need of hydration, you'll have the ability to share and help someone out.

Nutrition: 

Of course takes snakes for the day, but plan for needing extra food. What if an emergency happens? My go to for day hikes? I always take an apple, crystal light packet, bars (and extras), candy, and 2 sandwiches. I also suggest jerky for meat eaters, cheese, and energy blocks.


Emergency Shelter:

I have an Coleman Emergency Blanket on me at all times. They are inexpensive, but will so the job.

Mount Saint Helens Whiteout 2016

5. Appropriate Clothing:

Yes, appropriate clothing for the weather. Check the weather, Mountain Foreca
st is my go too. Even now, I love my Nike Running Tights and hiking pants. I found my hiking pants at Goodwill for $10. They work great for rain resistance and you can layer them for colder days. I couldn't afford much when I started, I had two pairs of active tights, hiking pants, some work out quarter zips, and hiking socks. Yes, I wore cotton and I still do in the summers, because it is comfortable for me. In the winter, I  love wearing my $10 Costco Merino Wool BaseLayer and my $12 Target Merino Wool Tights. Socks are super important too, I love Cloudline. They are a local Seattle Company and they are comfortable and durable.

Squamish, 2016

Honorable Mentions:

Hiking Poles: If you have bad knees, ankle issues, or any sort of mobility issues these could be a great investment for you. Personally, I like to only use them now when I have a heavy pack or I know it is going to be a very steep hike for my knees and ankles.

Self-Care (Stretching): If you have big goals and you want to push your limits, take care of yourself. Eating crappy food, makes you feel like crap. Not stretching and doing the things to take care of your body is going to increase your chance of injury. Hard work pays off, you want to climb Mt. St. Helens? Commit to training, go on hikes that kick your butt and commit to a routine.


Perhaps, the most important thing you need to go outside is a sense of humor and acceptance. Although, I have done many amazing things since I started my journey, I have had a lot of setbacks and moments that tested me.  Now, I laugh at things that I once struggled with and think of how much I have grown. I froze on a snowy ridge by the summit of Mount Townsend my first few months of hiking. I literally couldn't move my body another step because I was scared. I've clung to "steep" ice and snow hikes crying and thinking I couldn't do it on Mount Defiance and Mount Elinor. On Mount Adams, I didn't know that I needed to have my crampons pre-fit to my mountaineering boots and laid on my side as my friend adjusted them for me. 

You are going to learn a lot. Everyone who has been doing it longer than you is going to think what they do is the best way. Find out what you like, take advice with a grain of salt, but make safety a priority. Usually hiking turns into mountaineering, climbing, and skiing. Make having fun and safety your goal. Not how "cool" you look online. 

XC Ski at Stanley Lake 2017

Going on the hike to Lena Lake was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have grown so much as a person.  Our years, months, days, hours, and minutes are so limited on this earth. It is easy to put off doing the things that call to us. But why? 

When my world is going crazy I retreat to the mountains to find clarity and peace.  The past year, I have focused on not comparing myself to anyone. I am thankful for what I  do have, the relationship I have with myself and the mountains.  I don't care about having the newest leggings, jackets, and other gear. I would rather spend my money on the experience. I take time out of my work weeks to go hiking after work and try to spend my weekends outside. If I can do it, anyone can. You are never to old to do what you always wanted to do.

Until the next adventure.

Ramblings of My Past.

I stared at the emptiness of the space that was once filled with my material possessions.  A closet once filled with numerous dresses and too many pairs of shoes to count was now empty.  I tried to remember the events that had lead me up to the most recent life changing events.

Two years prior, I went through a bad break up with a career and a romantic relationship. Back in those days I cared more about what I had. Looking back, I had no idea who I was. I wanted so badly to keep up the appearances of the life society wanted me to lead. Writing this now, I had a house full of things but was completely empty inside.

There are so many things that I had assumed my life would before I hit thirty. The expectations of marriage and settling down seemed to be a reoccurring theme that surrounded my life. The Seattle vibe pushed for a career, money, and all the fancy things that you could charge on a credit card. After releasing my negativity and anger towards my break-ups, a reoccurring theme started.

Who am I?

Twenty-seven years living, and yet, I had no idea who I was. I spent my life being someone for everyone else. I molded my life to fit the needs of others. The fear of disappointing others ran rampant through my veins.  I was a passenger in my own life.

I could not remember the last time I went out of my way to do something for myself. Life was about others, their needs, and appearances.  Passions, dreams, desires did not exist for me independently.  It was a zombie-like cycle of a 60 hour work week, dividing my time up for my boyfriend's son, and my boyfriend's passions. Saturdays were spent watching middle-aged men play soccer tournaments, meal planning, and drinking heavily while watching sports.

Hating myself.

Who am I?

It was when I discovered a correspondence my boyfriend was having with another female online that discussed his feelings on marriage, children, and how that pertained to our relationship, he ended things. He made sure to put the break-up on me. Making me feel incompetent and that I was mentally unstable. I begged him to give me another chance. Telling him we could work through our issues and that I did not want to live my life without him.

Who was I without him?

My life would be nothing without him (or so I thought). I cried, begged, and was pathetic. How was I desperate over a man who gave me no choices? He was almost ten years older than I was, he had been married, and had a child. When it came to our relationship, he made it clear that marriage would never be a priority and if I wanted kids, I was just out of luck.  I barely could handle moving out. I felt as if I fail him and felt like I failed at life.  My ex of course handle the break up in a mature fashion with partying and keeping me on a string to pull me in whenever he wanted me to come around.

Feeling insane, I started therapy.

What was wrong with me?

Why didn't he love me.

Constantly, I wondered why I was not good enough. I needed something to make me feel needed. I was diligent and committed to helping myself. My ex did eventually come to a therapy session with me, because he claimed he wanted to "work on things".  After the session, my therapist let me know that he wasn't there for the right reasons.  I started dealing with all my mommy, daddy, and every damn problem that shaped how I felt about myself.

Yet, I still had my self-destructive tendencies. I wanted to feel needed and important to someone.  I knew that my ex was looking out for his needs, so it was only fair in my mind that I had someone. I did find someone to pass the time with, Kevin. Still to this day, I feel back for hurting him. But thankful my interaction with this person forced me to look in the mirror. Kevin was a pleaser, much like myself. He would mold himself to like and be who I wanted him to be.

On January 1 of that year, I found myself hiking. A few months prior I considered reaching out to an old co-worker who I knew climbed and hiked to see if I could tag along on some of her adventures. Sadly, she passed away in an avalanche the previous September.  With too much time on my hands and the latest social media obsession, Instagram, I found myself constantly dreaming of mountains. I decided there was no real reason I couldn't be getting outside.

To me now, the hike up to Lena Lake in the Olympic National Forest was nothing compared to the miles I have clocked. But it was what awakened my soul. I was lost, buried deep inside the shell of a person who simply just existed.

It is a weird thing to spend your entire life not knowing who you are. Can you imagine? Going through twenty-seven years of life barely about to touch the surface of who you are. Hiding the depression and anxiety that you had been taught to be ashamed of? This is where things get heavy. I have spent twenty-seven years in denial of my depression. It took me that long to realize that you should not hate what you see in the mirror. The idea of taking your own life wasn't a normal one and that I needed to learn to love myself. Not mold myself to fit someone else's life.