It's weird how little girls grow up. At 10, I thought at 28, I would have so much more of what society expects from me. There would be the home that I shared with the love of my life, the career, and the well-behaved children. There would be no doubt in my mind that I would live up to society's expectations of what being happy looks like.
The truth is, I have spent twenty-eight years of my life being unsuccessful at love and unable conquer the expectations of society. Instead, I find myself newly single, and not by choice, but I know it is for the best. It's a weird feeling being broken up with and not really wanting it to happen. This person was my match in my mind, he got me, he understood my humor, and he really wanted me to be successful. It was my own inner demons that got the best of our relationship and I do not know if we will ever be able to repair it. It was me who broke the relationship, and to be honest, we probably jumped into it way to fast after my previous relationship. Maybe, he set me free, to find myself again and prove to myself that I can be alone.
The hard part is the being alone part. It's the day to day routine, when you get home and you just want to be with that person. Sometimes, you just need a hug and someone to tell you it's going to be okay. There are the break up rules that everyone expects you to follow: don't talk to the person, find someone else to occupy your time, work on hating that person, and whatever you do, don't let them see you hurt.
What if we throw all those rules out the window? Who made them anyways? No relationship is the same. I really wanted to hate him, it would have made things much easier. It did not work that way for me, and I may be regretting that decision later. He was my best friend, we had a friendship first, and when we decided to make the jump to a love relationship, he became my best friend. Truthfully, he still is. I did everything in my power to push him away after I moved out, because it seemed to be the logical thing to do. My weakness for him as my friend made that impossible. Now I find myself still reaching out to him and to be honest, he does the same. I found myself out with some friends last night, just wondering why we are doing this to each other. Why can't two people who love each other work things out? Looking around, I just wanted to be laughing with him and enjoying my time with him. I wonder if he feels the same. The fear of rejection will keep me from asking those questions.
The ultimate rejection has already taken place, by him telling me it was over.
Now, at 28, I am finally taking ownership of all the bad things I have ever said and trying to love and accept myself. Which you think would be an easy thing, but I have hated myself for too many years. I grew up knowing that I was never planned or wanted. And let me tell you, that does a number on someone's self-estem. Of course, it was never my intention to be a mean person and say nasty things to the person I loved, but my inability to give myself to someone 100 percent emotionally finally caught up with me. It is scary to let someone love you all the way, because they may see that you really are just a throw away person. Why give them that control to hurt you?
The journey is not easy, and it never will be. When I look in the mirror, I see the pain in my eyes and can see how tired I am of running from life. It's been almost three months since the break up, I still feel myself wanting to just hate him, but I know that is not the healthy thing to do, at least for me. Right now, it's just one day at a time.
With one day at a time, I find that my thoughts are much easier to sort through. Enjoying the beauty in life has been my main focus, because no one knows the future and no one can tell me what is the best thing for me. It is giving me the time to decide what I really love to do. Life is beautiful, and it's way to damn short. Most importantly, I need to remember that. To tell the people I love that I love them and letting them love me.
Twenty-eight may be my best year yet, there are good things coming my way. I just know it.
I have to love myself, before anyone will love me.
Deep Breaths.
