Social Media Culture

North Cascades, Mountain Loop Highway (Photo Credit: Cliff Birdsall)

 A pretty picture is just that, a pretty picture. It does not exam the depths of a person, show the pain and the pain that the person may be experiencing. That is the thing about social media, we control how much of the world we want to let it, we manipulate how much we want people to view us. We are able to manipulate our image so much, where we are falsely projecting our self. Time and time again, I see so many posting about what grand mountaineers and climbers they are, but there is not much experience when you dig down to the truth of it.  

Personally, I am no one special. Although, I am sure my social media image makes me seem like I am so much more. It seems lately, that social media is defining us. We can try to hide from it, but the end the day, the social media beast has created a bit of a high school vibe. It seems that we are always trying to one-up one another, trying to be cooler than the other girl. In my experiences, it has created a high school culture throughout the Pacific Northwest. People gossiping over who is doing what and bad-mouthing one another. Then, the next day going out with that person and getting the perfect shot for the gram.

I too have been guilty of saying some not so flattering things about others, but in the end, I am a person who cannot stand for the superficial bullshit and two-faced relationships. I moved to Seattle over a year ago, looking for a fresh start from Tacoma/Gig Harbor. I left my hometown of Post Falls, Idaho only five years prior.  I had found my passions in Rock Climbing and Mountaineering only the previous year, and was excited to be closer to my closet friends and meet people who I had met through social media. Little did I know, that I would never feel more confused, ashamed, and counting down the days to leave. 

Only a few months upon my arrival, I lost my best friend. She tarnished a close friends name by creating lies, but most of all she created lies about our friendship. Saying things about me to others that were complete lies, lies which she to this day, still continues to spread. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. Why? Because I do not open up to many, and she was the first person I truly 100 percent trusted. Not only that, but the fact that I would do anything for the friends in my life. It stung, and it still does. The sting was made worst after seeing people who I believed where my friends, who had bad mouthed her, plastered all over one another's Instagram's feeds.

Trust me, I am far from perfect. My blunt attitude can often be interpreted the wrong way. I have no problem saying how I feel to someone's place and have no time to play high school politics with talking about someone behind their back. My mistakes are something I will not regret, because they have made me who I am. There have been plenty of things in my life that I have not been proud of, but I have always been a trusting and genuine person. I spent the last few weeks questioning if there was something wrong with me. Then I realized, I do not have time for the insincere bullshit and the energy to have certain people as friends was not worth it. Real friends are not fair weather friends. 

Obviously, many will be upset about how I feel, but deep down inside I think many will agree. We are a society obsessed with who we are online. I have heard so many girls say, "Oh look at her. She does such epic things, that must be why he doesn't like me." A picture  online? That is how we define ourselves these days? Comparing ourselves to someone's Instagram Handle? This day and age, we can stalk whomever we would like online, it is pretty easy. Seriously though, you control how the world sees you online. Begs the question, how is this #liveauthentic?

Over the past few months, I have really been reflecting on these things. We have all seen the influx of injuries and deaths in Rock Climbing, Mountaineering, and Hiking. Outdoors is so mainstream and the thing to do right now. People are seeing others online and believing they too can go from the gym to the crag with no knowledge of safety or really what they are doing. I have watched people climb El Dorado on a rope team with no idea how to do Crevasse Rescue, seen people plan to climb Sahale Peak with no climbing knowledge or experience, and people preach LNT (Leave No Trace) on their feeds but destroy Alpine Meadows because they need their perfect social media post.

Maybe I was lucky, lucky that I had the proper person get me started with mountaineering and climbing. And continue to be lucky because I have so many people who have helped me become a safe and informed participant in the outdoors. I continue to grow, and still have so much to learn. I will never claim to be an all knowing person, all I can do is offer what my experiences were and how I deal with things.

Since the summer ended, I have made it a point to not really bring out my camera for the majority of my adventures. I was getting lost in wanting to make sure I kept up with everyone online. Making sure my adventures were just as rad. But for what reason? Outside is not something I do for anyone else, it's what I do for me. 

So here it is, this is me.

The outdoors for me, is what has saved my life. Sure, cliche. But I wanted to kill myself for many years, my bouts of depression and anxiety are something that will never be cured. I battle my demons ever day. When I was 19, I was diagnosed with endometrosis, causing me chronic pain and the inability to have children. My family is unconventional, my real father is what I like to call a sperm donor because he never made the effort to be apart of my life. I have family members who suffer from their own demons including PTSD, Depression, and addiction.

I deleted all my Instagram post that did not have to do with the outdoors because I wanted to grow my following. Growing my following has been a focus not because I want to be "Instafamous," but because I have a five year goal of starting a non-profit to help people like me.  Sure, I have gotten some great perks from social media. My handle will never be for the sole purpose of advertising for a company. It will be my outlet to share my journey, and if it helps only one person who feels alone out there, my job is done. What I have wanted to do have been successful.

I am no great mountaineer, climber, or even hiker. I am just me. Just a person who enjoys going outside. I'll never try to give anyone a false perception of these things. I love with all my heart and will always speak the truth. It may come off harsh, and I am not going to be friends with everyone because of it.

In March, I'll be leaving Washington to start my new journey. I will be spending my Spring and Summer at Smith Rock outside of Bend to focus on climbing safe and getting strong so I can take my SPI (Single Pitch Instructor) to take my next steps to guide and connect with others for my future non-profit. My life is not a fairytale, to make this a reality, I work doubles 15-18 hour days 3 days a week. All of this to live out of my car and a tent for 6 plus months. I can't say that I am sad about saying goodbye to Seattle, it hasn't been kind to me, and yeah, maybe I am to blame for that. But I will never change my honesty and I respect myself too much to get caught up in high school drama as an adult. 

Your life is your own.

Do not base your value on how many likes and followers you get.

Guess what? One day, Instagram will go away, and the next best thing will come along. So why does it really matter?

Remember that.

If you are living it for social media, you may want to start self-reflecting on the reasons why you are doing what you are doing. You have some many moments in your life. Put down the phone, computer, and camera, and go outside.. I dare you.

Until the next adventure.

    

  

     

Here.

Mount Stuart from Long's Pass. Photo Credit: Charlie Martin (@peakbeggar)

Here I am enough.

Here is where all my worries and insecurities fade.

I have seven months left on my lease in the city.

Seven months to simplify my life. To get my finances in order, devise a plan, and get out of town.

The events that lead me here are hard for some to understand.

How did I  get here?

The journey to get to this place is not a pretty one. I spent most of my life hating myself and trying to fit into the mold that society wanted me to fit into. Two years ago I  had no idea who I was. My heart still breaks for the person I was. I thought I was in love and lost my soulmate two years ago. He was really my savior, he saved me from a life that I would never be happy in. He forced me to take a look at who I was, and become who I always was deep down inside. I don't think he will ever know how forever grateful I am to him.

It was a long time coming, the journey. My parents did the best they could, and I had to take a lot of time to let go of hurt that I felt growing up. Always being the odd man out. I wanted so badly for my mom to be happy with what I was doing, always trying to get her seal of approval.  Now, looking back, I am not sure why I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't. Dating men I knew they would approve of, getting my degree from the University of Washington, and working a corporate job. None of those things really made me happy.

Heartbroken, lost, and fighting like hell to take control of my life. That is truly what got me here. Over the past six months, I have been tested by events in my life.  I am guilty of letting people in a little too easily. I got my heart set on relationship with a man I knew for only a few weeks to be let down. Maybe it was his lust for life, he was well-traveled, and seemed to not be scared of anything was what made me fall for him.  I had to let go of hurt from my childhood and re-evaluate friendships that were not mentally healthy for me. Life is hard, things do not go as planned, but it is how we choose to deal with those situations that makes us stronger. If you are not evolving and growing, what's the point? It is nice to want things, but you will be sadly disappointed if you expect to always get what you want. We always end up with what we really need.

Climbing has been my outlet since it was introduced to me. My injury this summer was a huge mental block, I thought about giving up so many times. Fearing that I was not strong enough or good enough to continue on. Just now, am I finding myself in a good place where I am feeling strong again. Getting over the fear and emotional impact of my fall has been tough. It is with the injury and moving forward that I believe that I am stronger.

That is what has lead me here, to this place. The place where I know it is time for me to move forward and push myself so I can start achieving some personal and professional goals. I love Western Washington for the mountains, but I think it is time to take a hiatus. We live in a big world, with lots of places to see and discover. With that discovery, I know that I will discover things about myself and be able to grow.

By doing this, I am forced to simplify my life. My closet has been cleaned with gave me glimpses of a girl that I use to be. Working has been my primary focus to save for wherever I end up. I'll be selling the majority of my furniture in the coming months, and won't have a home with four walls by the time my lease is up. It is scary, unknown, but most of all exciting. Why do we need material things? The experience is what I think means the most to me. The best days of my life don't involve what I had, but who I was with and the experience. There have been too many good times to just name one.

Where am I headed? It's still up in the air.  Smith Rock, Yosemite, or Squamish that's what I have narrowed it down to. There are some moving parts, but whichever one I end up in, will be the right fit for me.

I am still of course growing and learning more and more about myself. I still have my bouts of depression and anxiety, but it is when I am doing what I love that I feel strong and like myself. Nothing in life is perfect. But I don't really need perfect, who really does?

But where I am now, here. It's important to embrace it, love the moments, and make sure that I am not focusing so much on the future that I don't forget what is in front of me. I think that is something everyone should remember. We all get so caught up on what we want and what we are waiting for, we forget that we need to  focus on what we have now, what we have here.





Songs for Inspiration, because besides climbing and outside, I love music:

"Feel It All Around" Washed Out
"Coming Over-Filous Remix" James Hersey
"Let the Rhythm Just" The Polish Ambassador
"How Hard I Try" Filous, James Hersey

Fear of Failure

Leavenworth, Washington (Photo Credit: Avi Katz)

What is it that makes us fear certain things? The biggest battle that I have fought my entire life has been the fear of failing. I have never wanted to let down those closest to me, or hurt anyone because of my failures. This has been something I have battled for all my life. It unfortunately, has followed me to almost all aspects of my life, even in the outdoors. After deciding that my ankle and mind were not ready to push towards the summit of Mount Stuart this past weekend, my friend asked me if I was competitive on the hike down. I thought for a minute, and said only with myself. 

Like most I strive for perfection, but why not progression not perfection? I have put so many expectations on myself, I should be skinnier, stronger, smarter, and better than I am. Society has brainwashed us to believe that we need to look and be a certain way to  be accepted. Sometimes, I really believe this. My life has never been perfect, I am far from perfect and have made too many mistakes to remember.  And yet, I still make mistakes all the time. Mistakes are what make us stronger, but only if we learn from them. 

Dealing with emotions and feelings is very hard for me. I want to believe the best in people, and often times find myself letting people into my life too easily, and forgiving them easily after they have hurt me.  Leaving me to wonder if this makes me weak?  Why do I allow people into my life that have hurt me and treated me as if I am disposable? Am I under valuing myself? Am I failing myself by doing this? At the end, I let people into my life who are distant, make promises, and then, are gone. What does this say about myself I wonder? These are questions that I am still grasping to answer. Relationships are hard, but at what point do we need to let go of something that is toxic for us? I see so many people I care about hanging on to people and situations that are not good for them.  I do know, that the reality of actually being in a relationship again after being single for 2 years is terrifying.

I have grown so much in the past two years, most of my old friends have no idea who I am now. I look at the person I was in my last two relationships: a sad scared girl who had no idea who she was. Now, I really feel like I know who I am, but cannot imagine giving up any part of who I am now. Maybe that is why I date the wrong guys? Pine after guys who I know will never settle down, because deep down inside, I don’t want to settle down. Who am I kidding? If it came to the mountains or a guy, I would choose the mountains any day. How could I blame a love interest for doing the same? Commitment means having to make sacrifices for someone else, and I do not know if I can do that. I can barely keep up with my friendships. 

Ultimately, it is my fear of failure that holds me back from goals at times. My heart belongs to the mountains and my dreams these days. For the record, I have never been a little girl who dreamt of my wedding or a prince charming.  My dreams and goals of the summer have seemed to be stagnet, because of an ankle injury. And maybe the great inner battle I am having with myself.  I feel that I was my strongest right after summiting Mount Baker and after over a week spent at Smith Rock. Only to be brought back down to reality after falling in Leavenworth on lead and spraining my ankle very badly. Right after the fall, I did not think that this experience was going to affect me the way it did. 

Fear has had a strong grasp on me. I cried on top rope on Castle Rock in Leavenworth because I was uncontrollably shaking from terror and my ankle got to my head this last weekend on Mount Stuart. It was swollen and achy, but it was my head that really was getting to me. What if I was not strong enough? What if I am putting my partner and myself in danger by ignoring my ankle? What if, I am just not strong enough? These were my thoughts heading up to the climb at 5am in the morning. This is not really the mindset you want to be in before scrambling up some pretty exposed stuff and then climbing. I made the decision, that it was not the day for the summit attempt. 

It is hard thing to deal with. The demons that are inside of us, that prevent us from our dreams.  Our emotional scars that we carry with us can fade. But it is up to us to decide whether or not those define us or make us stronger.  My philosophy is to use those experiences of our past to make us stronger, to let go.  Letting go is the hardest thing you can do, but it does make you a more positive and open person. Perhaps, that is why I trust and forgive so easily, because I believe we are all flawed and good people. I often feel that my heart is something that I only give pieces of, not really letting anyone in completely, because I often feel I have nothing left to give. Somehow, I still find myself giving pieces of myself to others and taking a piece of them with me. 

I have been so profoundly changed by a select few this summer. Those select few have no idea how much they have changed me and how I still think of them. Hell, they probably do not even know who they are.  It does not take much to rock someone to their very core. See the thing is, I let every experience move me and try to learn and grow from everything.  It is my belief that we can take the good even out of bad experiences, there is too much beauty around us to focus on the bad.  Self-reflection and acceptance makes it much easier to live this way.  Being alone with your thoughts and being able to short through them is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. You should never be afraid to sit with your own thoughts, to be alone. This is how we grow.

Take time for you, take time to go to that yoga class, even if you worked a 10 hour shift, because you deserve to be alone and do what you want. You should never be too busy or tired for yourself. Take time to cry. Cry for what you thought you had or what you have lost. It’s okay to mourn the idea of something you thought you had.  Smile and laugh, tell your friends how thankful you are for the moment you have shared with them. Hike and climb, but make sure to look around and listen to what nature has to offer you. Be grateful for the moments you have, because you only have so many of them. Life can be over in an instant.

  Life is tough, and how we look at failure can change our entire lookout on life.  You are who you create, you can only run from yourself for so long. For a long time, I thought I needed a different job or this and that, when I realized, I did not need those things. What I needed was an attitude adjustment, I needed to change the way I saw myself and the world around me.  Life was not out to get me, and I was ruining the experience with my negative attitude. I was alienating myself from the people I loved and looking at my life as a failure. You cannot run from yourself forever, at some point, you have to face yourself. Look in the mirror, accept you are the one who is responsible for you. You can only blame others for so long, but once you take responsibility for who you are, then you can grow.

It was a long journey to get to where I am today, and I find myself still battling my inner demons from time to time. The idea that I am not good enough seems to be the one that will be a constant battle, but I will no longer let that control my attitude of how I live.  Is there really such thing as failure in the mountains? If I had fun, made memories, and made it home safe, I would say that is a success. Chasing summits is fun, but if I do not get the summit, it will not ruin my day. Who cares if that girl from Instagram summited a million mountains, I am not living my life for her or anyone else.

I had a hard time dealing with my injury. Feeling like a failure, like I had wasted weeks of my summer when I finally decided to take some time off. It was not easy to admit that I was struggling. I am terrified to ever lead Trad again, but I will go back to the basics: following, mock leading, and leading easy climbs where I gear can be checked. Sometimes you need to start over to get stronger. During this time, I have developed a strong liking for sport climbing (call me crazy), but it is pretty fun. Seriously, it is fun. Crimps, overhangs, and clips. 

The point is, we are all searching for something. We all have setbacks and bad days. It does not mean we have a bad life, but we have to make sure we limit those bad days. Also, making sure you are not making a big deal about something that is not even worth being upset about.  I see a lot of unhappy people who want to escape who they are, at the end, we control our attitudes. No one else, if you are blaming others for where you are, you are letting yourself down. How about dealing with who you are, what could you be doing better? Is your relationship really is working for you? Is your job really the problem? I can only speak from my own experience. I was with someone who is amazing, just not amazing for me. He seemed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but in hindsight, he was holding me back and I was probably holding him back. My job, it was sucking the life out of me, so I left, and now am trying to find a career that works for my life. My attitude, it was terrible, everything was negative. It alienated me from friend, family, and life itself.  So, I looked in the mirror, and said, I am failing myself.  That is when I decided that I was the problem. I needed to work on loving myself, because you will never be happy in life if you can't love yourself. I stopped running from who I was.  The only failure any of us should be afraid of is not living our lives in a positive and happy manner.

Until the next adventure.

Stop the Train.

My best attempt at Neat & Cool (5.10a) with the Chief making an appearance in the background. PC: MT)

 Sometimes, I really wish that someone would stop this train. If only I could get off for a moment, catch my breath, and remind myself that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. The past few months have been a series of mistakes when it come to my personal life. My heart has been bruised a few too many times in the past few months, and I find sometimes that the world is getting the best of me when it comes to matters of the heart. I keep asking myself the same questions, am I too trusting, a push-over, too full of myself, do I share too much, or am I attracting what I am? 

Maybe I think too much? At the end of the day, I may  long for something that may not exist. Also, I will openly acknowledge that I am unharnessable, independent, noncommittal, talented, and wandering. All things that make it hard to put yourself out there.  We are what we attract right? I value every person who has made an impact on my life, and it does not take years for some people to really leave their mark on your heart. I do not process emotion very well, that may be why I like climbing so much. It is a way for me to escape and release what is on my mind. 

Saying how I really feel is something I struggle with. Being tough, it has always come very naturally to me, rejected and feeling disposed most of my life dates back to my childhood. I have never found myself "enough," or desiring of love for that matter. What am I really willing to share with those who are closest to me? When do any of us become completely vulnerable to those we are closest to? Sure, it seems okay in theory, but we have to openly make the choice for people to see our tears, let them know our hurt, and our joy. We share only the pieces of ourselves that we want to share on social media. When was the last time you saw an Instagram post that said, "Welp, I am at home drunk, crying, because the guy I thought was into me, lied, made me promises, and threw me away for something better" ? In my case, I have been ditched for the love of the mountains time and time again, it has been easier to be ditched for ex-girlfriend and lovers.

The thing is, I do not really blame these guys for their choices. The thought of having to give up anything on my end is really scary. Losing what I have worked so hard to become and find is the worst thing that could happen to me. Hell, I do not even know where I will be living in the next 6 months. Does this make me less desirable to the opposite sex? Do men really crave stability? Do I personally crave stability with the life I want to live? I have had friends tell me that I should stop dating climbers. I even had one guy that I rejected to go as far to call me a "groupie," which is laughable. Is it a crime to be attracted to men who have goals and are passionate about what you are passionate about? 

I have had no serious relationships, have not really dated anyone in a serious manner in over two years. Just because I am hanging out with a guy, it does not mean that I am sleeping with them, most of my closet friends are men. 

What would any relationship be without shared passions? I love climbing, although, I am far from mastering it, and am looking forward to the day that I can crush 5.10s.  Expectations seem to make things quite messy, there is a great need by many to have to define everything. Are we or aren't we? With climbing and dating, I have found that you often have to let go of expectations. Always expect the unexpected. Our passions kick our ass. Somedays, we just get our heart broken. I personally, know that myself and many of my friends are guilty of living in a fantasy of what their life should be. 

Social Media makes everyone so accessible, we get an "idea" of who this person is. The internet makes dating an all you can eat buffet. You can log on and pick apart every word, post, and picture. We talk more via text message than we do on the phone. When did we become so distant from each other? Is that why when we meet someone organically and bound that it makes the goodbye even more hurtful? 

And this is where I find myself, hanging on to those moments that were not done for social media or even brought together by social media. My most recent impact, was from a ridiculously good-looking crusher I met at Smith Rock. He blew me away the moment I met him. Why?  Because he was real, he wasn't something that I had judged previously by social media. It is a cheesy, short-lived event, but damn, he impacted me. We watched the starts at the overlook at Smith, he was a patient teacher, and was real. It was real-life, not social media bullshit. Our time together was as quick as a blink of an eye, but he impacted me. 

Thanks to him, I can properly climb cracks, breath through power movements, and  now know what is possible when people make their dreams a reality. His passion is what makes him beautiful and makes me respect him. You cannot let things break your heart like that. It does break my heart, that people like him do not come around very often. I know that in the future our paths will cross again.

There are a select few people and places that hold a piece of my heart. It is hard to understand why we have to get hurt by people, we can try to read into every sign. At the end, why can't we just let go? I find myself letting go, to let go is the only way to move forward in life. Sometimes we so desperately want to scream to people that we will wait for them. Life is not waiting for us, it is slowing down.  

The thing is, I have become a better climber because of the impact of certain people. You should use the journey to push you, push you to be better, stronger, and inspire. The fact that I had the pleasure of meeting and being impacted by such a strong person has made me a stronger person and climber. The fear that I was carrying before Smith Rock was not getting me to where I wanted to be, and yeah, my heart still feels a little bruised. Promising myself that I need to stop being so nice and not being open is not the answer. 

There are so many parallels of climbing and my love life, sometimes you give more that you get back. In the long run, the pay off is something magical. You struggle, you shed tears, and you question choices. Here is the thing, you never regret any of it. Despite the hurt and disappointment, because there is too much good to give it up. Being okay with yourself is the best thing you can do. Everything in life is temporary, we all have certain stops we take along the way, but we cannot get off the train. As badly as we want to sometimes, there is no stopping it. You cannot hang on to every stop along the way, all you can do is grow and learn from it. Take the positive for the experience, love and expect the people for who they are. You cannot runway from life. Along the way, you will encounter some who do not accept you, but you just move forward. The universe has a crazy way of making sure everything works out the way it is supposed to be.

"You Want To Be Homeless?"

Squamish, BC (PC: Lauren Hurst)

I am sitting in my room, looking at all of my material possessions. Wondering what the point of having all these things is? In the past few months, I have had some serious time to contemplate where I am going with my life. All the mistakes, successes, and what dreams I want to accomplish in my short time I have here.  I have learned so much more about myself than I ever thought was possible. Things that I had just dreamt of have become reality. I am grasping at all the possibilities and can almost reach out and touch it.

The layers that I have shed in the past few months have been incredible, I was told that I would want to eventually go back to the corporate world and be an adult again. But it seems quite the  opposite, I could not imagine my life without outside. My heart has been pulling me in the direction of following most would think would be impossible if they knew me a few years ago. Emerging for that dark place was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The transition makes me a stranger to those who knew me in those darkest days.

I had to shatter the person that I use to be, the person who I could barely look at in the mirror. I picked up bits and pieces of who I liked, but had to let go of the insecure, negative, scared little girl.  At some point, you have to let go. By no means, has my journey over the past two years been a perfect story of transition. Many moving parts have left me heartsick, discouraged, and angry at times. The thing is, you have to learn to let go of those things, take all of those experiences and turn them into something to grow from. Although, I am not a religious person, I truly believe that everyone comes in to your life for a reason, and everything is a learning experience. You have to take the good out of every experience, even if it is hard to see at the time. 

You have to let the experiences move you to your very core. I have never been more stoked or scared in my life over the past year. My most amazing experiences have left me thinking, "Holy Fucking Shit, this is terrifying and awesome---all at once." That is the amazing thing, to feel everything and let it shake your very being. People do not realize how much a short amount of time can change you. I have collected and treasured so many memories in the past month.

I know I have met some very pivotal people in my life in the past few months. After finding myself unemployed, I decided to dedicate myself to achieving some of my goals with all of my extra time. I aimed to climb 5 volcanoes for the month of  May. Only finding success on Mt. St. Helens and Mount Baker, weather just didn't want to make work for me. But there is no shame in the failure of not meeting the goal. No reason to dwell or beat myself up over it. Actually, I am happy it did not work out. I got to climb so much, and not to mention spend a week in Smith Rock, where I was connected with some very inspiring people who have re-awakened and ignited the fire to push the limits of my life. Smith Rock changed me.

Taking up the Sharp End at Smith Rock State Park (PC: Axel Hoffmann)

Smith Rock slapped me in the face. I was forced to look at my training and focus. Had I really been giving everything I had to Rock Climbing? The answer, no. Sure, I was spending a lot of my time climbing, but was I preparing my mind and body for the goals that I want to accomplish? No.  It was a slap in the face,  and promptly upon my return, I completely changed my focus and training. Climbing in the gym would include for bouldering, focus on footwork, crack climbing, and cardio. So far, I am already feeling stronger. I went to Leavenworth and Index this past week, and am already feeling and seeing improvements. 

Climbing with three insanely talented climbers in Smith was very motivating. Seeing how flawlessly they climbed and how they were not scared to fall made me realize that my fear of falling on lead was silly. Although, I could not even get halfway up on routes they were crushing, they encouraged me, and have pushed me more than they probably realize. I was comfortable, I never wanted to fall on top rope, let alone lead. But enough, was enough, I am the master of my success. There is no way I can get better if I am hanging on to fear. Letting go of the fear has been the best thing I can do. 

Rock climbing is scary. Best way to get over it? Force yourself to deal with the fear. I make myself fall on top rope if I feel like I am getting in my head. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to climbing, and whipping, it really is not as bad as you think. As a girl, you got to push it hard, focus, and toughen the fuck up. 

The real deal after my experiences in Smith, Leavenworth, and Index in the past few weeks.  My life in city is really wearing on me. I got a job, that I am going to work for a while, get my finances in line, and give myself a few months to figure out a few things.  I will probably be living in my car in a few months and have a few places in mind that sound pretty nice.  My focus is  how I can become a strong and safe rock climber. Each step I take needs to lead me to becoming self-sufficent and the path of working towards a Rock Guide Position. Props to all of the people who have been patient with me and taught me their skills. I know I still have a lot of work and dedication to go, but I know it is what I want. My family and some of my friends are still struggling to deal with the fact that I am striving to be "homeless,"  but they know if I am happy and supporting myself, that it will all be okay. Also, I think this is the year that I really need to follow my heart and see where it takes me. No sense in continuing to keep it so guarded. It's time to be open with my heart to more experiences. 

The best thing, I feel terrified and excited all at once. That is how I know I am living it right. No one ever regrets following their heart or doing something crazy every once in a while.


This blog has been a bit of a way for me to share my journey, and I hope that it can help at least one person. But I also want to share things that I am currently using as motivators, inspiration, and may just some fun random facts at the end of every blog post, because I think it is kind of fun. So hear goes.


Favorite Songs of the Moment:
"Devil Eyes" Hippie Sabotage
"This Is How We Walk On The Moon" Jose Gonzalez
"Heart It Races" Dr. Dog

 Favorite Current Climbs:
The Great Northern Slab (5.7 Multipitch) at Index Lower Town Wall
Classic Crack (5.8) Leavenworth, Eight Mile Rock
A Desperate Man (5.9) Smith Rock, Snake Rock

Instagram Inspiration Accounts:
@emilyaharrington
@zebblais
@t.botz
@thehanksmith

Until the next adventure all....

Beautifully Broken

Who am I? 

I feel like I find myself pondering this question every couple of months. I am no one great, I have no special talent, and have not done anything to impact any real change on society.  Life comes at you fast, and that is where we find ourselves worrying. We are constantly trying to prove ourselves to our parents, to our friends, and to ourselves. Our minds go crazy with our thoughts of self-doubt and worry. When we lose a lover, our heart breaks, we start to question what is wrong with us, what we did to make the relationship fail. Then, we find ourselves running, running from the reality of our problems. Acceptance, our we all not constantly running from it?

Try as you may, you cannot escape your feelings, your past, or  your current experience. There is no pause button on life, you can't just lay in bed all day and think that everything will be fine. At some point, you have to force yourself into acceptance, because after we face acceptance, than we can start to push forward, grow, and learn. Once you find yourself in a good spot, there will be more challenges, and that is where you have to continue to focus on acceptance.

Do what you love, even when your heart is breaking, the anxiety is getting out of control, or you feel that the depression is eating you alive. Always focus on what you love, even if you are hurting. It is toxic and unfair to your one precious life to give up on yourself and what you love. There will be a mind battle, yes. But pushing through it will make you even stronger than you were before.

Feeling the Pump after a long day at Sunshine Wall in Vantage. PC: Erin Cunningham

I will never lie or hide my own personal struggles with anxiety and depression. They do not just go away, you do not wake up one day and say, "Hey, I am healed."  All I can do is hope to help others with sharing my story along the way.  I will continue to sound like a broken record, but it is finding what I loved that has really helped me. 

It is the relationship that I have with climbing that has really changed my perspective. Although, I am still new. Nothing has helped me see things more clearly. Rock climbing to me is an art form, it is beautiful when you see someone who loves it, moves with grace, and is not afraid to fall. They just keep pushing. Rock climbing is a very mental sport, you have to get out of your head. This past month, I have really struggled with "getting out of my head." Someone once told me, if you do not say or think you are going to fall, you won't . Thus far, this proves to be the truth. Kind of weird how that all works, positive vibes can go a long way. And perhaps, the belief in yourself can go a long way. Challenging yourself, and failing to get to the top is crushing, and over the past month, I feel that I have seen more of the failure than the success. 

Is it really failure? No. Did I learn something? Yes. That is when you have to get out of your thought process and stop that worry and toxic thoughts. I do not climb for anyone else but me. It gets hard to remember that when I climb with some pretty strong climbers. There is that little voice inside that says, now they won't want to climb with me, I am below them. Honestly, if they do not want to climb with me because I am new, they are assholes. They were not eating 5.12s for breakfast when they started. 

I try not to get caught up on grades either. I climb because I love it, sure, lots of people can muscle through a 5.10. But, to me, I want to make climbing that 5.8 look elegant, not like the struggle bus express. Pushing my limits has been a little rough, I still need to get use to falling. Now, I have thrown in leading trad and sport, which means I am due to take my first whipper. Nerve racking to someone who has not falling much on top rope, but that is where the little world, acceptance, comes into play. I have to accept that I am going to fall, I have to accept that I am going to be okay. What is a real fear and what is a fear that is coming from my mind.

Very much like everyday life. Our thoughts, they can drive us mad. Since I started climbing, I have started using my climbing logic. What is a fear that I am creating with my mind? What is an actual real fear? Climbing has caused me to take into account the bigger picture of life. What is it that I really need to be happy? You got to let the negativity out of your mind and ACCEPT that everything will not always be in your control. Negative thoughts, lead to negative outcomes. Positive thoughts, lead to positive outcomes. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like some hippy shit. Trust me, it really works. Life gets shitty, you can either let the negative engulf you or choose to say  YOLO and move forward. Reset your mind, weather it be taking extra time to climb, hike, go to yoga, or run. Do what makes you feel good. Do not say things out of emotion, sometimes it's best to take some time, step away from the situation, and do what you love. Return the situation after you have spent some time working on your relationship with yourself. When you are out of whack, you usually make really poor choices. Choices that cause you to say, why the fuck did I say/do that?  A lot like climbing, when you panic, you make mistakes. I have gone home a few times in the past few weeks and thought, why the heck did I panic and let that get the best of me? 

Nobody is perfect. Everyone is beautifully broken. You cannot make people love you, you cannot let others control your emotions, and you are stronger than you think you are. Best advice, do what you love, focus on the relationship with yourself, and take time to reset when things get a little crazy and you feel like you can't get a break from the trials of life.

Hey, music is pretty rad too. I love climbing, but music would be my second escape. It is always okay, to take time to feel things. Turn on  whatever your jam is, and feel something. If you need to cry, cry it out. If you need to be angry, feel being angry. If you want to dance, dance it out, or as I would do, twerk it out.  Nothing to be ashamed of, embrace the moment, embrace your life. It is okay.

Until the next adventure.

The Life You Love

Lake Wentachee, Washington.  Photo Credit: Erin Cunningham

Finally, I am taking time to write. It has been a while since I have taken time out to sort my thoughts and get them all written down. Perhaps, it is because I finally have had the time to absorb and process all the events of the past year.  

I cannot even recognize the person I was in old pictures. I was negative, uncomfortable in my skin, and so unhappy. I was grasping for something, that I did not know I was grasping for. At the end of the day, I found myself outside. Outside is not just a weekend thing for me. Sure, I think a lot of my friends thought it was a phase and I had to give up a lot of things in order to focus on making outside my life. I have lost touch with friends, they are all great people, we just do not share common interest anymore. The idea of what society wants from me was the first thing I really threw out the window. Why do I have to have a corporate job that I feel is meaningless? As well as, thoughts of why children, marriage, house, and all the materialistic things mattered so much to people.

Letting go of my last serious boyfriend seemed like such a hard thing to do, but when I look it now, he was holding me back from myself. We just were not right for each other, and I am so happy I took time to realize this. He really never knew me.  Losing my job, that sucked at the time, but now, I realize how lucky I got to get out of there. You have all heard this story before though.

Finally, in May of last year, I felt comfortable with me, just me. I credit this to a strong support group of friends and family. Life is pretty great when you get to do the things you love with the people you love. So there I was, minding my own business, plotting my next adventures. 

From out of the middle of nowhere, the universe threw me a curveball. A curveball in the form of a good-looking mountain guide, who had an interest in yours truly. Everything was fun with him, we hit it off and shared lots of laughs. He changed me, more than you would think for such a small amount of time we spent together. I was in awe of how beautiful he made the alpine look, not only with his photos, but with how his passion and dedication shined through. He made the life he lived truly beautiful.

In a short amount of time he showed me some of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  Opened my eyes to how strong and capable I really am. Shuksan, SEWS, agreeing to attempt Stuart, climbing in Leavenworth, and the grand finale of the relationship being Joshua Tree and Red Rock Canyon. I put on my brave face when I went home, knowing it was over. Boarding my plane back to Washington, I knew it was over. Summer had faded away, like us. I was broken hearted, I can't even lie. No one probably knew how heart broken I really was. 

Now, months later, I have had time to reflect on the events of the summer. How important it was for me to meet him and share those experiences.  Without him coming into my life, I would never had the final push I needed to make outside my life.  Not to mention, getting thrown in to rock climbing and discovering that passion has been pretty rad too.

That's the thing we forget about, we forget to embrace the moment. Remember everyone comes into our life for a reason. Life is not made up of the should have, could have, would have moments. But the real raw moments, the moments where we push ourselves to the limit. Feeling everything, the hurt, pain, happiness, passion, and beauty in each moment. You cannot forget to take in the moment, even if things seem bad, there is so much to be thankful for in this one life we get.  Do not be that person that gets caught up in the negativity of the moment. If someone does not want to take the time to get to know me, I really do not care. It's their loss at the end of the day. I know what I have to offer.

It is also really entertaining all the people who have formulated opinions on who I am that use to know me. Or the people who do not know me at all. They think of me one way, but have taken no time to get to know me or get to know me again. Someone use to always tell me that it was not possible for people to change. I laugh when I hear that now, because I am living proof that it is possible to change. You have to decide what your worth is, and what you need out of life to be happy. Not what others need to give you in life to make you happy.

With all of this being said. I have decided to build the life that I love. Not a life that my parents, friends, and society wants me to have. I live a pretty simple life. I work to pay my bills and have enough money to travel and get some gear from time to time. But it's a life that allows me to do what I want.  A life that truly excites and makes me feel truly alive. I choose outside, because there is nothing in the world that makes me feel more like myself or happier.  How many people can really say that they are living the life they want?

I have been spending my winter months working on my climbing and focusing on what I need to do to get to where I need to  be.  It has become more and more obvious that I crave a life where I can share my passion and teach others about the outdoors. It is my hope that I can get some more experience and education in the alpine. So, by this time next year, I can be gearing up to guide clients and teach the younger generation about how empowering outside can be.

These days, I do not let much  get me too upset. Everything is only temporary, and nothing last forever. You have to embrace the moment, be thankful for your life. Make sure you drink a few beers, make some great friends, and live in the moment.

Until the next adventure my friends.