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| My best attempt at Neat & Cool (5.10a) with the Chief making an appearance in the background. PC: MT) |
Sometimes, I really wish that someone would stop this train. If only I could get off for a moment, catch my breath, and remind myself that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. The past few months have been a series of mistakes when it come to my personal life. My heart has been bruised a few too many times in the past few months, and I find sometimes that the world is getting the best of me when it comes to matters of the heart. I keep asking myself the same questions, am I too trusting, a push-over, too full of myself, do I share too much, or am I attracting what I am?
Maybe I think too much? At the end of the day, I may long for something that may not exist. Also, I will openly acknowledge that I am unharnessable, independent, noncommittal, talented, and wandering. All things that make it hard to put yourself out there. We are what we attract right? I value every person who has made an impact on my life, and it does not take years for some people to really leave their mark on your heart. I do not process emotion very well, that may be why I like climbing so much. It is a way for me to escape and release what is on my mind.
Saying how I really feel is something I struggle with. Being tough, it has always come very naturally to me, rejected and feeling disposed most of my life dates back to my childhood. I have never found myself "enough," or desiring of love for that matter. What am I really willing to share with those who are closest to me? When do any of us become completely vulnerable to those we are closest to? Sure, it seems okay in theory, but we have to openly make the choice for people to see our tears, let them know our hurt, and our joy. We share only the pieces of ourselves that we want to share on social media. When was the last time you saw an Instagram post that said, "Welp, I am at home drunk, crying, because the guy I thought was into me, lied, made me promises, and threw me away for something better" ? In my case, I have been ditched for the love of the mountains time and time again, it has been easier to be ditched for ex-girlfriend and lovers.
The thing is, I do not really blame these guys for their choices. The thought of having to give up anything on my end is really scary. Losing what I have worked so hard to become and find is the worst thing that could happen to me. Hell, I do not even know where I will be living in the next 6 months. Does this make me less desirable to the opposite sex? Do men really crave stability? Do I personally crave stability with the life I want to live? I have had friends tell me that I should stop dating climbers. I even had one guy that I rejected to go as far to call me a "groupie," which is laughable. Is it a crime to be attracted to men who have goals and are passionate about what you are passionate about?
I have had no serious relationships, have not really dated anyone in a serious manner in over two years. Just because I am hanging out with a guy, it does not mean that I am sleeping with them, most of my closet friends are men.
What would any relationship be without shared passions? I love climbing, although, I am far from mastering it, and am looking forward to the day that I can crush 5.10s. Expectations seem to make things quite messy, there is a great need by many to have to define everything. Are we or aren't we? With climbing and dating, I have found that you often have to let go of expectations. Always expect the unexpected. Our passions kick our ass. Somedays, we just get our heart broken. I personally, know that myself and many of my friends are guilty of living in a fantasy of what their life should be.
Social Media makes everyone so accessible, we get an "idea" of who this person is. The internet makes dating an all you can eat buffet. You can log on and pick apart every word, post, and picture. We talk more via text message than we do on the phone. When did we become so distant from each other? Is that why when we meet someone organically and bound that it makes the goodbye even more hurtful?
And this is where I find myself, hanging on to those moments that were not done for social media or even brought together by social media. My most recent impact, was from a ridiculously good-looking crusher I met at Smith Rock. He blew me away the moment I met him. Why? Because he was real, he wasn't something that I had judged previously by social media. It is a cheesy, short-lived event, but damn, he impacted me. We watched the starts at the overlook at Smith, he was a patient teacher, and was real. It was real-life, not social media bullshit. Our time together was as quick as a blink of an eye, but he impacted me.
Thanks to him, I can properly climb cracks, breath through power movements, and now know what is possible when people make their dreams a reality. His passion is what makes him beautiful and makes me respect him. You cannot let things break your heart like that. It does break my heart, that people like him do not come around very often. I know that in the future our paths will cross again.
There are a select few people and places that hold a piece of my heart. It is hard to understand why we have to get hurt by people, we can try to read into every sign. At the end, why can't we just let go? I find myself letting go, to let go is the only way to move forward in life. Sometimes we so desperately want to scream to people that we will wait for them. Life is not waiting for us, it is slowing down.
The thing is, I have become a better climber because of the impact of certain people. You should use the journey to push you, push you to be better, stronger, and inspire. The fact that I had the pleasure of meeting and being impacted by such a strong person has made me a stronger person and climber. The fear that I was carrying before Smith Rock was not getting me to where I wanted to be, and yeah, my heart still feels a little bruised. Promising myself that I need to stop being so nice and not being open is not the answer.
There are so many parallels of climbing and my love life, sometimes you give more that you get back. In the long run, the pay off is something magical. You struggle, you shed tears, and you question choices. Here is the thing, you never regret any of it. Despite the hurt and disappointment, because there is too much good to give it up. Being okay with yourself is the best thing you can do. Everything in life is temporary, we all have certain stops we take along the way, but we cannot get off the train. As badly as we want to sometimes, there is no stopping it. You cannot hang on to every stop along the way, all you can do is grow and learn from it. Take the positive for the experience, love and expect the people for who they are. You cannot runway from life. Along the way, you will encounter some who do not accept you, but you just move forward. The universe has a crazy way of making sure everything works out the way it is supposed to be.
