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| Leavenworth, Washington (Photo Credit: Avi Katz) |
What is it that makes us fear
certain things? The biggest battle that I have fought my entire life has been
the fear of failing. I have never wanted to let down those closest to me, or
hurt anyone because of my failures. This has been something I have battled for
all my life. It unfortunately, has followed me to almost all aspects of my life, even in the outdoors. After deciding
that my ankle and mind were not ready to push towards the summit of Mount
Stuart this past weekend, my friend asked me if I was competitive on the hike
down. I thought for a minute, and said only with myself.
Like most I strive for perfection,
but why not progression not perfection? I have put so many expectations on myself, I
should be skinnier, stronger, smarter, and better than I am. Society has brainwashed
us to believe that we need to look and be a certain way to be accepted. Sometimes, I really believe
this. My life has never been perfect, I am far from perfect and have made too
many mistakes to remember. And yet, I
still make mistakes all the time. Mistakes are what make us stronger, but only if we learn from them.
Dealing with emotions and feelings
is very hard for me. I want to believe the best in people, and often times find
myself letting people into my life too easily, and forgiving them easily
after they have hurt me. Leaving me to
wonder if this makes me weak? Why do I
allow people into my life that have hurt me and treated me as if I am
disposable? Am I under valuing myself? Am I failing myself by doing this? At the end, I let people into my life
who are distant, make promises, and then, are gone. What does this say about
myself I wonder? These are questions that I am still grasping to answer. Relationships are hard, but at what point do we need to let go of something that is toxic for us? I see so many people I care about hanging on to people and situations that are not good for them. I do know, that the reality of actually being in a
relationship again after being single for 2 years is terrifying.
I have grown so much in the past
two years, most of my old friends have no idea who I am now. I look at the
person I was in my last two relationships: a sad scared girl who had no idea
who she was. Now, I really feel like I know who I am, but cannot imagine giving
up any part of who I am now. Maybe that is why I date the wrong guys? Pine after
guys who I know will never settle down, because deep down inside, I don’t want
to settle down. Who am I kidding? If it came to the mountains or a guy, I would choose the mountains any day. How could I blame a love interest for doing the same? Commitment means having to make sacrifices for someone else,
and I do not know if I can do that. I can barely keep up with my friendships.
Ultimately, it is my fear of
failure that holds me back from goals at times. My heart belongs to the mountains and my dreams these days. For the
record, I have never been a little girl who dreamt of my wedding or a prince
charming. My dreams and goals of the
summer have seemed to be stagnet, because of an ankle injury. And maybe the
great inner battle I am having with myself.
I feel that I was my strongest right after summiting Mount Baker and
after over a week spent at Smith Rock. Only to be brought back down to reality
after falling in Leavenworth on lead and spraining my ankle very badly. Right after the fall, I did not think that this experience was going to affect me the way it did.
Fear has had a strong grasp on me.
I cried on top rope on Castle Rock in Leavenworth because I was uncontrollably
shaking from terror and my ankle got to my head this last weekend on Mount
Stuart. It was swollen and achy, but it was my head that really was getting to
me. What if I was not strong enough? What if I am putting my partner and myself
in danger by ignoring my ankle? What if, I am just not strong enough? These
were my thoughts heading up to the climb at 5am in the morning. This is not
really the mindset you want to be in before scrambling up some pretty exposed
stuff and then climbing. I made the decision, that it was not the day for the summit attempt.
It is hard thing to deal
with. The demons that are inside of us, that prevent us from our dreams. Our emotional scars that we carry with us can fade. But it is up to us to decide whether or not those define us or make us
stronger. My philosophy is to use those
experiences of our past to make us stronger, to let go. Letting go is the hardest thing you can do, but it does make you a more positive and open person. Perhaps, that is why I
trust and forgive so easily, because I believe we are all flawed and good
people. I often feel that my heart is something that I only give pieces of, not really letting
anyone in completely, because I often feel I have nothing left to give.
Somehow, I still find myself giving pieces of myself to others and taking a
piece of them with me.
I have been so profoundly changed
by a select few this summer. Those select few have no idea how much they have
changed me and how I still think of them. Hell, they probably do not even know who they are. It does not take much to rock someone
to their very core. See the thing is, I let every experience move me and try to
learn and grow from everything. It is my
belief that we can take the good even out of bad experiences, there is too much
beauty around us to focus on the bad.
Self-reflection and acceptance makes it much easier to live this
way. Being alone with your thoughts and
being able to short through them is one of the healthiest things you can do for
yourself. You should never be afraid to sit with your own thoughts, to be alone. This is how we grow.
Take time for you, take time to go
to that yoga class, even if you worked a 10 hour shift, because you deserve to
be alone and do what you want. You should never be too busy or tired for yourself. Take time to cry. Cry for what you thought you
had or what you have lost. It’s okay to mourn the idea of something you thought
you had. Smile and laugh, tell your
friends how thankful you are for the moment you have shared with them. Hike and climb, but make sure to
look around and listen to what nature has to offer you. Be grateful for the moments you have, because you only have so
many of them. Life can be over in an instant.
Life is tough, and how we look at failure can change our entire lookout
on life. You are who you create, you can
only run from yourself for so long. For a long time, I thought I needed a different
job or this and that, when I realized, I did not need those things. What I
needed was an attitude adjustment, I needed to change the way I saw myself and
the world around me. Life was not out to
get me, and I was ruining the experience with my negative attitude. I was
alienating myself from the people I loved and looking at my life as a
failure. You cannot run from yourself forever, at some point, you have to face yourself. Look in the mirror, accept you are the one who is responsible for you. You can only blame others for so long, but once you take responsibility for who you are, then you can grow.
It was a long journey to get to
where I am today, and I find myself still battling my inner demons from time to
time. The idea that I am not good enough seems to be the one that will be a
constant battle, but I will no longer let that control my attitude of how I
live. Is there really such thing as
failure in the mountains? If I had fun, made memories, and made it home
safe, I would say that is a success. Chasing summits is fun, but if I do not get the summit, it will not ruin my day. Who cares if that girl from Instagram summited a million mountains, I am not living my life for her or anyone else.
I had a hard time dealing with my injury. Feeling like a failure, like I had wasted weeks of my summer when I finally decided to take some time off. It was not easy to admit that I was struggling. I am terrified to ever lead Trad again, but I will go back to the basics: following, mock leading, and leading easy climbs where I gear can be checked. Sometimes you need to start over to get stronger. During this time, I have developed a strong liking for sport climbing (call me crazy), but it is pretty fun. Seriously, it is fun. Crimps, overhangs, and clips.
The point is, we are all searching for something. We all have setbacks and bad days. It does not mean we have a bad life, but we have to make sure we limit those bad days. Also, making sure you are not making a big deal about something that is not even worth being upset about. I see a lot of unhappy people who want to escape who they are, at the end, we control our attitudes. No one else, if you are blaming others for where you are, you are letting yourself down. How about dealing with who you are, what could you be doing better? Is your relationship really is working for you? Is your job really the problem? I can only speak from my own experience. I was with someone who is amazing, just not amazing for me. He seemed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but in hindsight, he was holding me back and I was probably holding him back. My job, it was sucking the life out of me, so I left, and now am trying to find a career that works for my life. My attitude, it was terrible, everything was negative. It alienated me from friend, family, and life itself. So, I looked in the mirror, and said, I am failing myself. That is when I decided that I was the problem. I needed to work on loving myself, because you will never be happy in life if you can't love yourself. I stopped running from who I was. The only failure any of us should be afraid of is not living our lives in a positive and happy manner.
Until the next adventure.
