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| Mount Stuart from Long's Pass. Photo Credit: Charlie Martin (@peakbeggar) |
Here I am enough.
Here is where all my worries and insecurities fade.
I have seven months left on my lease in the city.
Seven months to simplify my life. To get my finances in order, devise a plan, and get out of town.
The events that lead me here are hard for some to understand.
How did I get here?
The journey to get to this place is not a pretty one. I spent most of my life hating myself and trying to fit into the mold that society wanted me to fit into. Two years ago I had no idea who I was. My heart still breaks for the person I was. I thought I was in love and lost my soulmate two years ago. He was really my savior, he saved me from a life that I would never be happy in. He forced me to take a look at who I was, and become who I always was deep down inside. I don't think he will ever know how forever grateful I am to him.
It was a long time coming, the journey. My parents did the best they could, and I had to take a lot of time to let go of hurt that I felt growing up. Always being the odd man out. I wanted so badly for my mom to be happy with what I was doing, always trying to get her seal of approval. Now, looking back, I am not sure why I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't. Dating men I knew they would approve of, getting my degree from the University of Washington, and working a corporate job. None of those things really made me happy.
Heartbroken, lost, and fighting like hell to take control of my life. That is truly what got me here. Over the past six months, I have been tested by events in my life. I am guilty of letting people in a little too easily. I got my heart set on relationship with a man I knew for only a few weeks to be let down. Maybe it was his lust for life, he was well-traveled, and seemed to not be scared of anything was what made me fall for him. I had to let go of hurt from my childhood and re-evaluate friendships that were not mentally healthy for me. Life is hard, things do not go as planned, but it is how we choose to deal with those situations that makes us stronger. If you are not evolving and growing, what's the point? It is nice to want things, but you will be sadly disappointed if you expect to always get what you want. We always end up with what we really need.
Climbing has been my outlet since it was introduced to me. My injury this summer was a huge mental block, I thought about giving up so many times. Fearing that I was not strong enough or good enough to continue on. Just now, am I finding myself in a good place where I am feeling strong again. Getting over the fear and emotional impact of my fall has been tough. It is with the injury and moving forward that I believe that I am stronger.
That is what has lead me here, to this place. The place where I know it is time for me to move forward and push myself so I can start achieving some personal and professional goals. I love Western Washington for the mountains, but I think it is time to take a hiatus. We live in a big world, with lots of places to see and discover. With that discovery, I know that I will discover things about myself and be able to grow.
By doing this, I am forced to simplify my life. My closet has been cleaned with gave me glimpses of a girl that I use to be. Working has been my primary focus to save for wherever I end up. I'll be selling the majority of my furniture in the coming months, and won't have a home with four walls by the time my lease is up. It is scary, unknown, but most of all exciting. Why do we need material things? The experience is what I think means the most to me. The best days of my life don't involve what I had, but who I was with and the experience. There have been too many good times to just name one.
Where am I headed? It's still up in the air. Smith Rock, Yosemite, or Squamish that's what I have narrowed it down to. There are some moving parts, but whichever one I end up in, will be the right fit for me.
I am still of course growing and learning more and more about myself. I still have my bouts of depression and anxiety, but it is when I am doing what I love that I feel strong and like myself. Nothing in life is perfect. But I don't really need perfect, who really does?
But where I am now, here. It's important to embrace it, love the moments, and make sure that I am not focusing so much on the future that I don't forget what is in front of me. I think that is something everyone should remember. We all get so caught up on what we want and what we are waiting for, we forget that we need to focus on what we have now, what we have here.
Songs for Inspiration, because besides climbing and outside, I love music:
"Feel It All Around" Washed Out
"Coming Over-Filous Remix" James Hersey
"Let the Rhythm Just" The Polish Ambassador
"How Hard I Try" Filous, James Hersey
