Processing emotions has never been a strong suit of mine.
As I sit here, typing this on the comfort on the blow up mattress that has recently replaced my bed, I struggle to find the words for how I am feeling.
Seven short weeks, that is all I have left in Western Washington.
I signed my name to my last rent check less than a week ago. I have sold the majority of my possessions, only a few remain, but they too will soon be gone. Trying to fit my life into a few boxes to store with my family has been nostalgic. I have had waves of emotion wash over me, pictures of past boyfriends, glimpses of a girl who I barely recognize, and the realization that everything is about to change.
Deciding that my life was going this direction seemed like a no-brainer last year when I told my friend, Erin, that I craved more out of life and knew that Washington wasn't providing it for me anymore. We were up on Mountain Loop Highway, it was a rainy day, and we didn't get in any hiking, but we did get in some entertaining photos. Afterwards, I proclaimed to social media that I was giving myself six months to sell everything I owned and travel. It's been a little over six months, and I am making good on my promise.
The world is always tossing and turning. Throwing you a few curveballs along the way, things that you swore would never happen. Little did I know, that my second failed attempt on Mount Stuart would put someone important in my life. Happily single, I did everything in my power to not fall for Paul. Paul was everything that I promised I would never get serious about, a bit younger than me, dedicated dirtbag, working only enough to support his climbing habit, I knew he had to be bad news. Or so I thought.
Paul, as it turns out, has been a pivotal part of helping me to recover from the mental effects of my fall this past summer. He also sees me as an equal, although he crushes 5.12 in Yosemite, he has never made me feel like I have to apologize for being myself, he accepts my imperfections and supports me ever step of the way. Trust me, I am not an easy person to get to know, I protect myself very well. I am not sure where our journey will take us, but it is nice having someone to share the moments with.
Friends, true friends, are hard to find. Lucky for me, I also get to head to Smith Rock with an amazingly strong woman. It is funny how the universe sends people your way, just like the song. You don't always get what you want, you get what you need.
Sure, I still question my choices, almost everyday.
Often, when I find myself reflecting, it is like a flash, where I think of people who rocked me to my very core. Emotions are funny like that, there are two people who stand out in my mind. I often think of them, the impact they made on me. Neither of them are really apart of my life, one I spent an entire year pining over, wishing that I was good enough. He introduced me to the alpine, it changed my life. Perhaps, that is why it took so long for me to let go of the idea of him because I associated so much of my love of climbing with him. Ultimately, I have realized he collects women and when he is finished quickly disposes of them.
Smith was key to my evolution, I spent two weeks there this summer. I met so many amazing people, that I will forever hold close in my heart, but the one who stands out, will never know how much he influenced me. I think of him often, although we spent little time together, and he will hold a special place in my heart for a long time.
We can't be afraid to self-reflect or be afraid to care so deeply. It is what makes us beautiful.
I have no clue what I am doing, but I do know I have never felt more sure about anything in my life. There is no roadmap to how any of us are supposed to live this life. No manual that tells us how to live. All we can really do is follow our hearts.
I am terrified, but have never felt more sure about anything in my life.
Sometime, the best plan to have, is not to have a plan.
I'll spend my Spring and Summer at Smith Rock. After that, I am not sure. I would love to travel for a while, but I do know that a little money is needed for that. Helping others is very important to me. I hope to work towards my personal goals and make those things a little bit more of a reality in the coming year.
I only have this life.
This life is mine to live. No one else is going to do it for me.
So here goes nothing.
Until the next adventure.
