Hopeless Wanderer (Part 5 )

Smoke and Morning Light at Smith Rock State Park from the Bivy. Photo by: Laura Berridge

2017.

Where have you gone? 

I was thinking about everything that has happened this year. 

There were no alpine summits or ticks checked off my climbing list.

I see the accomplishments of others on my Instagram feed, big mountain dreams achieved. While I felt my dreams sat at a standstill.  The way I imagined how my life would play out this year is much different than I expected.

I would describe myself as a late bloomer. I spent most of my twenties confused about who I was, focusing on molding myself into be someone that society told me I had to be.  I have a college degree from one of the best universities on the west coast (University of Washington) and worked my way up the corporate latter where I made failing Applied Behavior Analysis Program successful. 

 I started hiking again at age 27. Then came the mountaineering, rock and ice climbing at 29. 

Yes, I am 31. ( I can hear the gasp through the computer screen.) 

Right after my 30th Birthday, I met Paul on Mount Stuart through our mutual friend. First off, I was as single as single could be. The idea of being in a relationship seemed like a good idea on some days, but most of the time I savored my single life. I had nothing holding me back from doing whatever I wanted. Plus, I seemed to have dated a long line of assholes that year.  When it comes down to it, I really enjoyed being able to pack up and head out whenever I wanted too.

I fought my feelings for Paul for the first year of our relationship. The commitment of moving to Smith Rock for a season was something that I would not give up and I made it clear to Paul that their was no changing my mind. For the record, Paul Jantzi is a saint. He has loved me since before I knew I love him. He accepts my flaws and has shown me what unconditional love is. Paul toughed it out the entire winter living in a tiny camper in Plain, Washington to make our relationship and my dream of Smith Rock a reality. 

Leading up to the move, I did not know if I would keep my sanity.  My work schedule was a nightmare, I split my time between being a Feathered Friends Sales Associate and Server/Bartender at Sansei Sushi. I worked 15-18 hours days Thursday through Saturday, and only had Sundays off.  Paul and I were lucky to see each other once a month. My time outside was rare, but convinced myself that it would all be worth it.

In my mind, it had to be worth it. My previous season started out so strong, I was in the best shape of my life. I was pushing myself and accomplishing goals, until I took a grounder on lead.  At first, I tried to deny that anything was wrong. It really messed me up and I have not lead trad in over a year. 

In January, Paul and I agreed with no question that he would go to Smith Rock State. This was the scariest thing that I did in 2017.  I had come to the realization that Paul coming with me meant taking an even bigger risk. The biggest risk of failure a relationship. Our relationship is something that doesn't come along often. We are completely ourselves with each other, there are no apologies  for who we are. You know all those weird quarks you thought you had to hide from someone before? Well, that wasn't an option for us. You can't hide anything when you live out of a car and a tent with someone.

*Side Note: Paul was hired as a rock climbing guide for Smith Rock Climbing Guides for the season when we took a quick weekend trip to the park in March before the move.

Paul and I at the base of the South Sister in the Sisters Wilderness outside of Bend, Oregon. (May 2017)

What makes our relationship even more unique is our climbing partnership. The ability to take away the  romantic relationship in the mountains can often be a difficult one. You see your partner at that worst, best, and see how they handle some of the most stressful situations. We have lucked out and have been able to make it work very well. It is what bonds us, it is what makes our relationship strong. When our relationship struggles, we know we need to set away time for the mountains so we can reconnect.

Have I mentioned that looks and comments that have been made when I have told people that I made the choice to live out of a tent with my boyfriend for 7 months? As a woman, it's harder to be a "climbing dirtbag" as opposed to being male. Society is still learning how to react to lady dirtbag, they seem to understand the man thing. Men are allowed to be filthy, covered in dirt, cuts, bruises, and be making questionable life choices until they find someone to settle down with.  When it comes down to it, I often wonder why this is such a hard thing to comprehend. Then again, society doesn't really get the whole sell all your possessions and minimalist living thing.

Trust me, before we left, I thought we needed all this money to buy things for our simpler living. I did not think we would be able to make it without certain things.  It was easier to part with everything that I had purchased throughout the years to furnish my first apartment. Over the final days, I was detached from most everything. My furniture and other items no longer served purpose in my life.

We spent a few days in Leavenworth, Washington and my hometown of Post Falls, Idaho on our way out to Smith Rock. We climbed, but I noticed in the pit of my stomach that the stoke was missing. At first, I thought this was just because I spent the past 6 months doing nothing but work.  It seemed to be something more as time went on.

The first few months at Smith Rock were cold and I was in search of my stoke. I found myself getting on top-rope and feeling terrified; it was as if I had never climbed a day in my life. I would cry and question whether or not I had made the right choice to drop my entire life and live this way. How would I ever be a guide if I couldn't even climb on top-rope?  That was my entire idea on why I wanted to give up everything and move to the park wasn't it?

Climbing was not fun anymore. I felt that I had lost myself and that I couldn't find the previous years stoke.  I would get on rock with the fear, it would take over every ounce of my being. Begging and pleading with Paul to let me come down. The negativity flowed over me, I couldn't find anything to be thankful for and my depression swept over me. 

I couldn't deal. How is it that I loved something so much and now it felt like the worst thing in the world to me? I struggled, but I was surrounded by the most amazing people who were also long term residents at the Smith Rock Bivy. We had structure with our morning yoga routines, Albert would play John Mayer songs while we searched for motivation to climb, Brian and Matt would smoke themselves silly while contemplating mysteries of the world, and I would perfect my culinary skills on the Coleman Camp Stove. I worked three days a week at a bar in town as a bartender to keep some sort of income.

In July, I finally started feeling like myself again. 

It was time to get back on lead, so I started working Nine Gallon Buckets (5.10) and was making progress and feeling strong. I found myself scared on lead when climbing the fourth bolt, and that's when I decided I needed to take the fall. What was I so scared of? I had already had the worst thing happen last year with my grounder and the injury to my ankle. I let go of fear in that moment and fell. It was a 20 foot whip, but little did I know the injury that was in store for me. My right middle finger pulley would pay the price for my fall. It was freeing when I fell, letting go, and telling myself that I would be okay. Unfortunately for me, pulley injuries take a lot of time to heal.

The negative consumed me again. I couldn't climb. Pulling down on my finger killed.

Paul Jantzi enjoying one of his favorite activities in his living room at the Smith Rock Bivy. (Photo by Laura Berridge)

Just when I started to feel better about climbing and started to let go, I found myself hurt, again. I felt like it was the universe telling me to give up climbing. Why did I push myself to do such a stupid activity I thought? Why did I give up everything to do nothing? I could not get into the mountains because the fires shut down the Sisters Wilderness. All the people I knew in Washington were crushing it. We didn't have the fund to travel and climb. My job barely covered our bills and Paul guiding was so unreliable. I felt stuck, I questioned every choice, and thought about coming back to Washington all the time. 

In August, I started helping out with the big groups for Smith Rock Climbing Guides. It was official, I never would be a guide.  We had also saved just enough to take a week long trip to Washington. We had a permit to camp up in the Enchantments at Stuart Lake with Sherpa Peak in mind and considered the West Ridge of Stuart (which I had figured was off the table with my low confidence and feelings about climbing).This was the trip I needed.

We spent our entire trip detached from everyone and everything. Our relationship had been hard, we struggled, you know how hard it is to adjust to living with someone 24.7?  We felt home again, we slept at the Barney's Rubble Parking Lot where we had so many nights the previous summer, swam at our spot on the river, and swooned over the granite that we had missed so much. 

When it was time for our trip up to Stuart Lake, I was terrified. All I had done that past summer was hike the park, so I was feeling like I was going to be the weak link. We loaded up our climbing gear and headed up. My pack was heavy, but nothing seemed so bad. All that I loved and missed was right in front of me. We danced when we found our perfect camping spot, enjoyed some sips of whiskey,  and went over the plan for Sherpa Peak the next morning. 

We woke up before 4am to find ominous skies and rain. Instead of type 2 fun, we would be settling for a hike up to Colchuck Lake. I wasn't even mad because we had experienced so much happiness. We got back down to the car around dinner time. That's when Paul said that we should attempt the West Ridge of Stuart on our last few days. I was reluctant and afraid, but he said he knew I could do it. So we packed for the next day. The conditions were perfect, we had the creek campsites to ourselves, we woke up the next morning to realize that this was happening.  We followed our BETA and enjoyed a rockfall filled climb. We decided to go light and fast because we did not want to have to bivy and had a turnaround time at 3pm. At 2:15pm, we realized that somewhere we had gone the wrong way and found ourselves on the opposite side of the summit (about 800ft below). I was heartbroken, but accepted that was our summit for the day.

The descent took over 8 hours, it was full of rusty pitons, tree rappels, and avoiding getting taken out by rockfall. By the time we had made it back to our tent I was delirious and exhausted. We didn't make dinner that night and just ate all of our snacks. The trek out the next morning was exhausting and I was happy to sleep in a real bed that evening. At first, I felt sad about not making the summit. My entire year felt like a failure and I believed I was a failure. Living at Smith Rock surrounded by crushers and watching my friends in Washington climb big alpine objectives left me wanting more. 

The realization happened shortly after we returned to the park. Daily cragging isn't my passion, it's the type 2 alpine climbing that is what makes me feel alive. I use to spend all of my time comparing myself to all these people at the park who were crushing all these hard routes. Then I realized that the majority of these people would not find enjoyment out of hiking 40 miles in a few days with 40-50 pound packs to be rained out or shut down by navigation issues. 

I pushed through until September, headed to Washington for the month of October to make money for our move to Boise. I was able to get back into my routine of Hot Yoga and got to check off some hikes in the area. Struggling with the idea that maybe I wasted 7 months of my life. What was I doing with my life?  

I have been in Boise, Idaho for two months now.  And you don't know what you really have until it is gone.  I miss Smith Rock, I cried the day we left. Smith Rock would never be home again, I would never feel the same. Nothing can explain how beautiful the evening ski filled with starts and the shadows of the rock towers makes you feel. How being in this situation changed my life. I am not even close to the same person that I was a year ago. All those things I thought I needed when we moved there? Yeah, I did not need any of them. It doesn't take much to make me happy.  

The moral of the story? All those people who kicked ass on their goals this year, congratulations. Sometimes it's not accomplishing the objectives that really makes you grow. I was forced out of my element, to see what life is really made of, and to grow. To look my demons square in the face and say this is me.

Goals for 2018?

I have them, but I don't have my heart set on anything (okay, except for finally sitting on the summit of Mount Stuart).  I am still a hopeless wanderer and probably will even as I turn into an old lady. I'll be focusing on gaining some ski skills, ice climbing, yoga, and loving/accepting myself.  I'll start school to continue my education in Fall 2018 at Western Washington University. I think history and  teaching has always been my true passion. With this career change I'll be able to make a positive impact on kiddos, but be able to have the flexibility to do the things I love. Paul had made a pretty big change of plans over the past few weeks and I am very excited for him.We both know Western Washington is home and are excited for our own place in the coming months closer to our friends and the mountains we love so much. 

I don't regret a thing from this year.  It's the things we don't do that we regret most in our life and I have grown so much from 2017. Here is to another amazing year.

Until the next adventure.

Tips for Living with Depression

It is that time of the year, where the days get shorter and we find our daylight limited. I call this time of year, the wait period. Waiting for the ice to get nice, the ski resorts to open, avoiding avalanche danger and  the downpour of rain the mountains offer. Yeah, it's basically the time of year I dread the most, because my depression seems to kick into high gear. After a rough year that kicked off its reign last November,  I decided I was no longer going to be a prison to my depression. 

I decided to be brutally honest with myself and re-examine the things that help me live a happier, healthy life.  I am no expert and never will claim to be. But I want to share what it is I do to be the best me I can be throughout the winter and anytime of the year.  

1. Acknowledge How You Feel/ Self-Awarness:

It is okay to look in the mirror and say, " I am not fine today." Being able to acknowledge where you are at, but not beating yourself over your emotions. It is okay to say, I am depressed and that does not define who I am. For me, I try to hold myself accountable for self-scans of my mind and body. The number one way I do this is with my yoga practice. I go to class 2 to 3 times a week to stay in tune. When I feel a certain way I feel it, I acknowledge the presence of the feeling. There is something empowering about being able to sit with your feelings and say, I am feeling this way and that is okay.

2. Friendship

Having friends that you can talk to and be there for you when you are not feeling too hot is very important. People who love you no matter what. It has also become a personal rule to not drag my support system down with negativity (or myself). Your friends hold you accountable when you feel like you cannot fight the depression alone.

3. Working Out

I make it a point to include cardio in my weekly routine. Sometimes it's just jumping on the stationary bike or row machine for 30 minutes. But most of the time it's going to a group class that pushes me and makes me work hard. Trust me, most of the time I would rather go straight home and crawl into bed after a long work day, but I feel so much better about myself after a work out.

4. Going Outside

I feel like this is a no brainer, but for me, it is probably the hardest one. It's COLD, and I don't like being cold, and I don't like getting rained on. Recently, I have made "getting outside" apart of my routine 4-5 days a week with my bike/walk routine. I get 15-30 minutes to and from work to be with my thoughts. To notice the beauty of the world around me, like cute squirrels or the changing of the colors of leaves. When the sun is out, even if I have only an hour, I make myself go hiking. Even if it's the local hiking spot. When I have a full day, I do everything to do a bigger hike.

5. Setting Small Goals

I am guilty, guilty of obsessing over the big mountains, the big picture. Recently, I have slowed down. Realized that small goals get you to the big goals. Maybe it's getting in a certain amount of mileage on the trails, having a route at the climbing gym as a project, or one winter goal. For me, that winter goal is becoming a decent skier.

6. Healthy Eating

We are what we eat. Yeah, it's cliche, but it works for me. I get lazy, it's easy to eat pizza, fast food, and out a lot when I do not want to cook. At the end of the day, what I put in the body has a lot to do with how I view my body. I put crappy food into it, I feel pretty crappy about myself. The thing that has worked best for me is cutting meat and processed food out of my diet. I've even made it a point to ensure that lunch and dinner are Vegan meals. It's amazing how little you crave bad food when you are eating healthy, yummy food.

7. Positive Self Talk

I have said some pretty terrible things about myself. Looked in the mirror and picked out ever imperfection. But you know what, that isn't good for me. I often repeat a few times a day, " I am capable, I am smart, and I am strong." I try not to let myself bad mouth me. I look in the mirror and focus on the positives that make me great. I don't allow myself to say things about myself that I would not say about my friends. 

8. Routine

Sounds funny right? But working and having a routine helps me to keep my life in check. I am not consumed with my thoughts and I don't have a ton of free time to feel sorry for myself. I work a schedule that doesn't change very often. I have certain yoga and gym classes that I go to every week. In my opinion, we all crave a little bit of routine.

These are all just suggestions, but they have really helped me. I know that things will always be changing, but I hope by following along with these things I will be a better healthier me.