My Endometriosis Journey

Enjoying the views in the Sawtooths (Idaho), photo credit: Paul Jantzi

Over the last two decades, my body has been plagued with the pain, discomfort, and abnormalities of Endometriosis.  Many people have no idea what Endometriosis is and often just correlate it with bad period cramps. 

So what is Endometriosis?

"Endometriosis is when the tissue that makes up the uterine lining (the lining of the womb) is present on other organs inside your body. Endometriosis is usually found in the lower abdomen, or pelvis, but can appear anywhere in the body. Women with endometriosis often have lower abdominal pain, pain with periods, or pain with sexual intercourse, and may report having a hard time getting pregnant. On the other hand, some women with endometriosis may not have any symptoms at all." (Source: http://obgyn.ucla.edu/endometriosis)

There are 11% of us suffering from this benign disease, that isn't as simple as this definition that is given. We all have a story to tell when it comes to our journey with Endometriosis, we have are fears, our frustrations, and often feel like prisoners in our own bodies. Personally, my biggest frustrations with this disease is the fact that there is so little research done and that doctors often do not take women who are truly suffering seriously. And the scariest thing that is starting to come out? As a person who suffers from this disease, research is starting to find that those who suffer from Endometriosis are 30% more likely to have Ovarian and Uterine Cancers.

 Real Talk.

My journey with Endometriosis started at 12. It was around this age that I started getting painful, lower abdomen pain that my mother called "stomach aches" and had to leave school at least once a month early. I continued to have the weird pain on and off for weeks. At 13, I had my first menses. The pain associated with my menstrual cycle was indescribable, I knew I was suppose to get cramps and be bloated. But damn, this seemed like more than I signed up for. I would spend the few days before and during feeling like I was dying. My symptoms included: vomiting, shaking from pain, diarrhea, distended stomach, large blood clots, and headaches. Being only 13, I thought that this was normal and just what a woman had to deal with.

Three years later, with the symptoms seeming to get worst, I finally went to the doctor. The 16-year-old virgin me was less than thrilled to get a pelvic exam by my childhood doctor. In the end, my doctor attributed my pain and symptoms to "bad cramps" and decided that it would be best to put me on a birth control that regulated my cycle to every three months. At 16, I was okay with this answer and hoped that I could live a little bit more pain free and unaffected life.

I wish I could say that "cured" me and everything was rainbows after that. I still had a lot of pain and it continued to really affect my life. If I was in pain and didn't have to go to work or school, you could find me in bed. My body was in pain 90% of the time and if you have ever suffered from an injury or anything that causes you intense pain, you know how exhausting it is. I never had energy and was always tired. I lived off pain medication and my heating pad was my best friend. At 19, the not-so-virgin me started having a lot of pain and discomfort during intercourse. I did not think much about it for the first few months, but soon realized the way I was feeling was not normal.

So, I went to the doctor. After conducting the exam, the doctor let me know that he had felt a mass in my ovary. (Ummmm WHAT?!) He let me know that I could need to get in for a transvaginal ultrasound ASAP and for the first time in my life, he gave me a referral for a specialist. This was all very overwhelming at 19. At this time, it wasn't quite clear if I had a cancerous mass inside of me. The next few months were spent with ultrasounds, doctors appointments, and follow ups. Not only was there a lemon sized mass in my left ovary, the ultrasound also revealed two lime sized cysts.

The specialist had decided that surgery was the only option to figure out exactly what was going on and that the mass and cysts needed to be removed. This meant, that I would be getting major surgery that they called, "exploratory". I would be getting my entire stomach cut open while they tried to figure out what was going on inside.  Now, I have a large scar on my lower stomach to remind me of this surgery.

At the time, I was more worried about the IV. Maybe I was in denial, but I didn't realize how serious the surgery was at the time. The unknow is scary. As I was wheeled into surgery, my specialist let me know that there was 50/50 chance I would come out of surgery with any of my reproductive organs. No big deal right?  I woke up crying from surgery (I guess that's a normal thing). When I was alert, they let me know they were able to save both my ovaries and that removed the mass that they referred to as a  dermoid tumor. My specialist referred to the dermoid tumor as my vanishing twin, which is pretty gross, but interesting. She was also able to remove my two cysts successfully.

As any 19-year-old would think, I was cured, right?

Every 4-6 months I was at the specialist for appointments and more ultrasounds. My pain didn't go away, over the next two years, they suggest I work out more and tried different birth controls. Helpful right?  The pain continued and they eventually found another lime sized cyst that had to be surgically removed and my family doctor would be in the surgery. Surgery happened, but when I woke up they let me know that the cyst must have burst. They were in awe that I hadn't gone to the emergency room when this happened because it is a very painful experience. At this point, I wanted to scream at them. I was in pain all the time, so what was the difference? As a consolation prize they gave me a bunch of photos of my ovaries and the assisting doctor let me know that he had never seen someone my age with Endometriosis so bad.

*I do want to note the expensive of all of these medical procedures and surgeries. My exploratory surgery was about $10,000plus, transvaginal ultrasounds cost about $1,000 a pop, and my second surgery was about $7,000. I feel very blessed that my parents were able to help me with both of these surgeries. My father is in the military and my mother works for a college, so this greatly off-set the cost. If I did not have insurance I don't know how we would have afforded it.

EndometWHAT?

This was the first time I had ever heard this term, Like any millennial, I googled everything I could find about Endometriosis. Nothing seemed to really change over the next three years. I had accept that fact that pain and discomfort was just a part of my life. Also, I had to accept that fact that I was slowly destroying my kidneys, stomach, and liver from all the ibuprofen I took. Throughout these years, I was shocked at how easily doctors would give me prescriptions to hardcore pain meds. Carrying a child was something I wondered about over this time period too. Never have I had a strong desire to have a child, but I at least wanted the choice.

Three years went by, and I finally got a great team of doctors in Tacoma (shout out to Bonnie Hill and Dr. Szeggti at Franciscan Women's Health).  They finally made me feel heard and validated with what was happening with my body. I was so tired of feeling like a prison in my body and feeling held back by this disease. We discussed options of birth control, hormone therapy, and a surgery to remove the scar tissues.

My personal feelings towards hormone therapy are no. I could not imagine trying something that may or may not work with some pretty terrible side effects that can last forever. We changed my birth control for like the billionth time. Finally, I decided I wanted to see if another surgery would help and I opted to have the HSG Test in my Fallopian Tubes to see if I was even able to carry a child. The surgery didn't have the most positive results. Again, I was told that the severity of my endometriosis was very uncommon for my age and they were still baffled that there were no other people in my family suffering from it. The HSG test showed that I had complete blockage and that the chances of carrying a child or even having a healthy pregnancy was probably not in the cards for me.  And finally, I was officially diagnosed with Endometriosis.

How does a 25-year-old deal with this?

I didn't.

It has taken me years to come to terms of this disease. I have learned to accept that no one really has any clue what Endometriosis is. All my doctors appointments mean being an advocate for myself and making sure I understand all my options.

At 27, I was considering a full hysterectomy to escape the pain and symptoms.

Instead, I was given the last resort option before the hysterectomy. The Mirena IUD had been showing some promise for women with Endometriosis. The only catch, it can be extremely painful to place in women if they haven't had children.  I decided that this sounded like a good option and scheduled my appointment. I decided it was worth the try.

For the past five years, I have put a band aid on the majority of my Endometriosis issues. The first four years of using the Mirena were great, I noticed  the cramping and pain went down significantly. I rarely had a menstrual cycle and my endo-belly (that embarrassing distended tummy that comes with Endometriosis). I felt like I was finally living a fairly healthy life.

Until this past year (the last year before I am due to get my Mirena replaced) things have gotten bad again. My pain has been reoccurring and I seem be having a period every other week. My symptoms are exhausting and can leave me bed ridden. My immune system is significantly lowered when my body is dealing with pain and I have been sickly. Many researchers have found that patients with Endometriosis are more likely to have multiple sclerosis, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis. Now, I feel like I am starting all over again. My biggest fear is that I am going to get my IUD replaced and my symptoms wont decrease. I'm scared that I may be looking at having a hysterectomy in the next year.

Yes, I get upset. It was hard to deal with not even having the choice to have a child. I'm thankful that if I ever decide I want to have a child, I could always adopt. I get made when I have bad reactions to food, then I remind myself of those who suffer from Crohn's Disease.  I rarely feel bad for myself, because life could be much worst. Endometriosis has made me a stronger person. Although, I don't quite know what the next chapter in the journey will look like, I like knowing that I do have some choice and that I have a support system.

Now, that I have basically shared my medical history, I do want to say that there are a lot of things that I have done that have helped me greatly.

1. Consistent Physical Activity/Working Out

I cannot stress how important it is to work out at least 3 to 4 times even when you feel like your uterus is going to fall out. I try to make sure I do something every day, even if it's just walking my dog for 45 to 60 minutes. Just keep moving.

2. Diet, Diet, Diet

About a year ago, I got sick of all the stomach issues I have dealt with. I started researching on my own and found that a plant based diet was recommended for women who suffer from Endometriosis. my I cut ALL meat (including fish) out of  diet. We eat Vegan 80% of the time ( I can't give up cheese and eggs). I try not to eat any dairy prior to my cycle and during. I still love my candy and coca cola, but try to not eat processed food. Changing my diet has helped so much with my bloating and pain.

For Reference:
https://fightyourinfertility.com/69/10-deadly-foods-for-endometriosis-that-you-eat-everyday

3.  Alcohol Consumption

I rarely drink.  I enjoy a glass of wine here and there. Basically, the liver is super important to filter out all the bad toxins and bad estrogens. Drinking excessively basically aggravates the Endo.

4. Allow Your Body to Rest and Feel Pain

This is my own thing. I use to take pain meds like candy, but it really seemed to prolong the pain. If I'm having a bad flare up, I do what I need to do the day and am okay with watching Netflix. Pain is exhausting and your body needs to rest.

Endometriosis sucks.

I am not going to lie. I hope eventually to live a pain free life, but I don't know how realistic that is. People don't like talking about periods, vaginas, ovaries, and uteruses, but it's real life. Life isn't perfect. People are all on a journey and I think it's important to share so we become more comfortable with these topics. As well as, having compassion for those with diseases and other ailments. Life is tough, but it is easier if we support each other.

Love The Skin You Are In

When was the exact moment that I started being unkind to my body?

At what point did I get into the pattern of loathing myself and taking for granted the beautiful thing that is my body? My body has done some pretty incredible things for me, whether I am 140 pounds or 115 pounds.  I often wonder at what point most women begin to wish for bigger boobs, less cellulite on their thighs, and a tighter tummy. 

I wasn't always like this, but it's been almost two decades since I have since I didn't scrutinize my appearance. I was the girl who didn't care too much about her appearance. My mom made most of my clothes and what she didn't make my grandma usually would find me treasures at the thrift shop. I never thought there was anything wrong with my appearance and the thought of being pretty never really crossed my mind.  I chopped off my long hair at 6 because I hated having to sit still for my mom when she brushed it and even in dresses I had to wear shorts underneath because I had to keep up with all the boys.

The idea of having to fit in wasn't really a huge deal for me, until sixth grade. I was one of the first girls in my  class to start my period, I was confused on why I was being punished. I was flat chested and cried to my mom that I never wanted to grow up. I didn't understand why all these changes had to start happening to me, I didn't ask for any of it. Another memory comes to mind when I think about those weird teenage years and struggling with the forever-changing female. Flash forward to my 16th Birthday, I went to put on my favorite pair of size 0 Gap capris and couldn't get them over my hips. How could this be happening? For the first time ever in my life, I started to believe I was fat. My clothes didn't fit me anymore (and let's face it circa 2000 jeans were not the most flattering, why did we ever think super low hipsters were a good idea?) and I struggled with accepting my body. I didn't know what to do, besides starting to silently control every little thing that I put in my body. I would go through periods where I would not eat, perhaps my depression and anxiety went hand in hand with this. Feeling like the only thing I could control was what I ate. At 30, I have dealt with the my shoulders getting broader because of the outdoor activities. 

Over the past few months, I have seen a theme across social media. Women posting pictures that make them feel uncomfortable and dealing with negative self-talk. Opening up about their struggles to have the perfect body. How can we all not feel this way? Our mother's dealt with unrealistic images of supermodels on the cover of magazines, but our body comparisons have gotten more intimate. For most of us, we compare ourselves to others morning, noon, and night via social media. 

I am guilty of comparing.

I am guilty of secretly body shaming others in my head.

And what is that? Why do we feel it is okay to body shame others for the way their body looks? Nothing makes us superior to one another because of our weight.

Sometimes, I do not even know how it happens. The feelings of feeling insignificant and not good enough. When we moved to Boise, I had packed on 12 pounds. I wasn't as active as I had been the past summer and didn't have routine. You would think that living at a sport climbing destination would have given me my best body. Wrong. I didn't struggle so much with how I look, but how I felt. I felt incompetent and felt like I had cheated myself. How could I do this? Did I not have goals anymore? As I get older and my free time is still devoted to the outdoors, my body is more of my tool for success in the mountains.

This year, I decided it isn't about my appearance, but about how I feel about myself. I have made changes to become the healthiest version of myself. With my endometriosis bloating, cramping, and pain have been something that I use as a crutch. I committed to a eating vegan for a solid 30 days and now, have cut meat completely out of my diet and almost all dairy. I truly believe in eating for your body type. My results haven't come fast, I have busted my ass at the gym and on the trail for months. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally had the courage to weigh myself.  I have lost 10 pounds, it feels good, but I felt good before I weighed myself. 

I don't know if it will ever be about the amount of pounds I lose or my weight anymore. I am doing things that I never thought I would enjoy doing. Trail running? Are you serious?  I hated running, and now I look forward to my evening trail runs. 

I feel strong. 

So, I don't feel ashamed and I don't have trouble pressing the post button on my social media accounts. I am healthy, beautiful, and perfect just the way I am. There is no mold I need to fit into. There is no mold you need to fit, think of all the things your body does for you. Be thankful for your health, you ability to walk, enjoy the hobbies that make your heart beat, because one day, we will all be six feet under.

You are beautiful, you matter, and are important.

So, You Wanna Go Outside?

Marmot Pass ( Early Spring 2015)

As the popularity of the outdoors continue to grow over the years, I continue to see the questions posted on outdoor forums on how to get started. Over the years we are all guilty of putting things off, saying maybe next year will be the year, we let our financial situation hold us back, and in my case the biggest factor was self-confidence and not knowing where to start.

I was raised in North Idaho. I spent most of my weekends up the Coeur d' Alene River with my grandparents as a child. Somehow, I lost touch with the outdoors as I got older. My free time was spent either partying with friends, working, or studying. Making time for the outdoors was something I did not do, but I found myself often thinking, " I want to get back into hiking and biking again." Honestly, I just didn't know where to start.  

After my break-up in 2015 and leaving my career, I found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. I spent many hours obsessively scrolling through @missholldoll, @annniegirl, and @roundtheworldgirl's Instagram accounts. How the hell could I do this? And why was I not doing this? Sure, I was intimidated, the cost of items and my physical ability were my main excuses. I had a pair of hiking boots that I had bought from REI a few years prior that were still in the box and had a REI Flash Pack. Seemed like enough to get started, right?

Hurricane Ridge ( February 2015)

This was before the days of PNW Outdoor Women, so there wasn't really a way to be "educated" on what I actually needed and what I should be doing. Let me tell you, it's pretty funny to think about when I first got back into hiking as a 28-year-old adult female. You are raised to believe that your life needs to be a certain way as you approach your 30s. But my relationship with the outdoors has pushed me to love more, believe in myself, and forgive. I've done more than I ever thought I would be capable of and know that I will continue to push my limits. I started as the slowest day hiker ever to climber to skier to now getting into trail running. 

So, you wanna go outside too?

First, stop making up reasons on why you can't. Just go, even if you can think of a million reasons why not to go. You aren't going to be the fastest and you aren't going to be climbing Mount Rainier right away. Accept where you are at physically and set small goals for yourself. My first hike was Lena Lake in the Oympics. From there, I just made it my goal to keep getting out.

You don't need fancy gear, I promise. 

Things you do need:

1. Hiking Boots:  
I say boots to start because they will provide the most stability for a new hiker. TRY ON EVERYTHING AT REI, walk up and down the stairs make sure you don't have rubbing that could cause blisters and pain when you are actually on a trail.  It doesn't matter what some Insta-famous girl wears in her pictures, it matters what fits YOUR FOOT. 
My personal preference for boots? Rocky Brands (little known brand in the hiking world, but the most comfortable hiking boots I have ever worn with my wide feet, ankle issues, and foot issues), Lowa, and Salewa.

2. Day Pack (18-28L):

I started with an 18 L Flash Pack from REI.  There isn't anything fancy to the pack, it has enough space for snacks, essentials, and a water bladder. Plus you can usually find them for under $50. Just make sure your pack has enough space for at least two layers, water,  essentials, and snacks. When you decide to make the commitment to longer hikes and overnights you need to take a lot more in to account for your pack. When you do decide to upgrade your pack, BUY IT FROM REI. I went through four packs before finding one that worked for me. Being an REI member I was able to return the previous 3 bags to find something that worked for me.  Weight should not be in your shoulders and hip belt should be above your hips. 

3. Water Source:

Now I often just use a water bottle for my day trips, but when you first start hiking, I cannot stress enough getting an 2 to 3 Liter Platypus Bladder. With the bladder system you will be less likely to get dehydrated and won't forget to drink. Sounds silly, but those headaches, body cramping, and fatigue all can relate back to dehydration.  I do what I call "water loading" before going on long trips. I just focus on drinking water non-stop for a week to help avoid dehydration when I am in the mountains. 

Gothic Basin (September 2016)

4. 10 Essentials:

So what are these? 

Compass/Map: 
These are great to have to start getting familiar with directions, if you are new, stick to straight forward trails. It's easy to get wide-eyed for trails off the beaten path that require navigation skills, but you'll get to do these. Grow your confidence and abilities first for your safety and others.

Sun Protection: 
I can't stress this enough! I use a face lotion that already has SPF. I don't go hiking any time of the year without sunblock, also I prefer to where hats in the Spring and Summer for even more coverage and I love my Outdoor Research SPF Hoodie on Glaciers when I am super exposed to the sun.

First Aid Supplies: 
REI sales pre-made first aid kits. When I started hiking I bought the Day Hiker for 2 kit. Since then with thousands of miles logged, I have added other items that I have found I have needed for my trips. (Including: Allergy meds (in case of allergic reactions), eye drops, tampons, wet wipes, and spare SPF Chapstick).

Insulation: 
I loved my Patagonia Nano Puff when I first started hiking because it was synthetic (if it got wet it wasn't the end of the world) and it folds into it's own pocket. The North Face also makes the Thermoball which is basically the same concept. You can find these on Ebay for CHEAP. Lots of people will get rid of these things if zippers break or they have had to patch. A patch doesn't change the effectiveness of a coat and almost all companies have a lifetime warranty on their items. If a zipper is broke or a seam is ripped you can almost always take it to Outdoor Research, Patagonia, and North Face and they will fix it or replace it just because it is their product. 
If you live in Washington, do yourself a favor in the beginning, by a Goretex Jacket. If you want new--Outdoor Research and The North Face both have options for $199. Waterproof is less expensive, but you won't be happy for very long when you soak through it because of sweat from the inside out or the rain soaks through onto your shoulders.
Also: Gloves, Beanie, and a buff are other nice items to keep in your pack.

Fire:
 I have both waterproof matches and a lighter in my pack at all times. 

Repair Kit and Tools: 
A Leatherman or Multitool should do the trick. I see these at thrift shops all the time.

Light:

Headlamp, headlamp, headlamp. Remember you are new, and just learning how fast you are and sometimes the day just runs out. Make sure you always have light. I love my Petzl Tikka Headlamps and they are under $20.

Water:

I already covered this in the beginning, but bring more than you think you will need. Maybe the hike is harder than expected or it's hotter than planned. Or you run into a hiker who is in great need of hydration, you'll have the ability to share and help someone out.

Nutrition: 

Of course takes snakes for the day, but plan for needing extra food. What if an emergency happens? My go to for day hikes? I always take an apple, crystal light packet, bars (and extras), candy, and 2 sandwiches. I also suggest jerky for meat eaters, cheese, and energy blocks.


Emergency Shelter:

I have an Coleman Emergency Blanket on me at all times. They are inexpensive, but will so the job.

Mount Saint Helens Whiteout 2016

5. Appropriate Clothing:

Yes, appropriate clothing for the weather. Check the weather, Mountain Foreca
st is my go too. Even now, I love my Nike Running Tights and hiking pants. I found my hiking pants at Goodwill for $10. They work great for rain resistance and you can layer them for colder days. I couldn't afford much when I started, I had two pairs of active tights, hiking pants, some work out quarter zips, and hiking socks. Yes, I wore cotton and I still do in the summers, because it is comfortable for me. In the winter, I  love wearing my $10 Costco Merino Wool BaseLayer and my $12 Target Merino Wool Tights. Socks are super important too, I love Cloudline. They are a local Seattle Company and they are comfortable and durable.

Squamish, 2016

Honorable Mentions:

Hiking Poles: If you have bad knees, ankle issues, or any sort of mobility issues these could be a great investment for you. Personally, I like to only use them now when I have a heavy pack or I know it is going to be a very steep hike for my knees and ankles.

Self-Care (Stretching): If you have big goals and you want to push your limits, take care of yourself. Eating crappy food, makes you feel like crap. Not stretching and doing the things to take care of your body is going to increase your chance of injury. Hard work pays off, you want to climb Mt. St. Helens? Commit to training, go on hikes that kick your butt and commit to a routine.


Perhaps, the most important thing you need to go outside is a sense of humor and acceptance. Although, I have done many amazing things since I started my journey, I have had a lot of setbacks and moments that tested me.  Now, I laugh at things that I once struggled with and think of how much I have grown. I froze on a snowy ridge by the summit of Mount Townsend my first few months of hiking. I literally couldn't move my body another step because I was scared. I've clung to "steep" ice and snow hikes crying and thinking I couldn't do it on Mount Defiance and Mount Elinor. On Mount Adams, I didn't know that I needed to have my crampons pre-fit to my mountaineering boots and laid on my side as my friend adjusted them for me. 

You are going to learn a lot. Everyone who has been doing it longer than you is going to think what they do is the best way. Find out what you like, take advice with a grain of salt, but make safety a priority. Usually hiking turns into mountaineering, climbing, and skiing. Make having fun and safety your goal. Not how "cool" you look online. 

XC Ski at Stanley Lake 2017

Going on the hike to Lena Lake was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have grown so much as a person.  Our years, months, days, hours, and minutes are so limited on this earth. It is easy to put off doing the things that call to us. But why? 

When my world is going crazy I retreat to the mountains to find clarity and peace.  The past year, I have focused on not comparing myself to anyone. I am thankful for what I  do have, the relationship I have with myself and the mountains.  I don't care about having the newest leggings, jackets, and other gear. I would rather spend my money on the experience. I take time out of my work weeks to go hiking after work and try to spend my weekends outside. If I can do it, anyone can. You are never to old to do what you always wanted to do.

Until the next adventure.

Ramblings of My Past.

I stared at the emptiness of the space that was once filled with my material possessions.  A closet once filled with numerous dresses and too many pairs of shoes to count was now empty.  I tried to remember the events that had lead me up to the most recent life changing events.

Two years prior, I went through a bad break up with a career and a romantic relationship. Back in those days I cared more about what I had. Looking back, I had no idea who I was. I wanted so badly to keep up the appearances of the life society wanted me to lead. Writing this now, I had a house full of things but was completely empty inside.

There are so many things that I had assumed my life would before I hit thirty. The expectations of marriage and settling down seemed to be a reoccurring theme that surrounded my life. The Seattle vibe pushed for a career, money, and all the fancy things that you could charge on a credit card. After releasing my negativity and anger towards my break-ups, a reoccurring theme started.

Who am I?

Twenty-seven years living, and yet, I had no idea who I was. I spent my life being someone for everyone else. I molded my life to fit the needs of others. The fear of disappointing others ran rampant through my veins.  I was a passenger in my own life.

I could not remember the last time I went out of my way to do something for myself. Life was about others, their needs, and appearances.  Passions, dreams, desires did not exist for me independently.  It was a zombie-like cycle of a 60 hour work week, dividing my time up for my boyfriend's son, and my boyfriend's passions. Saturdays were spent watching middle-aged men play soccer tournaments, meal planning, and drinking heavily while watching sports.

Hating myself.

Who am I?

It was when I discovered a correspondence my boyfriend was having with another female online that discussed his feelings on marriage, children, and how that pertained to our relationship, he ended things. He made sure to put the break-up on me. Making me feel incompetent and that I was mentally unstable. I begged him to give me another chance. Telling him we could work through our issues and that I did not want to live my life without him.

Who was I without him?

My life would be nothing without him (or so I thought). I cried, begged, and was pathetic. How was I desperate over a man who gave me no choices? He was almost ten years older than I was, he had been married, and had a child. When it came to our relationship, he made it clear that marriage would never be a priority and if I wanted kids, I was just out of luck.  I barely could handle moving out. I felt as if I fail him and felt like I failed at life.  My ex of course handle the break up in a mature fashion with partying and keeping me on a string to pull me in whenever he wanted me to come around.

Feeling insane, I started therapy.

What was wrong with me?

Why didn't he love me.

Constantly, I wondered why I was not good enough. I needed something to make me feel needed. I was diligent and committed to helping myself. My ex did eventually come to a therapy session with me, because he claimed he wanted to "work on things".  After the session, my therapist let me know that he wasn't there for the right reasons.  I started dealing with all my mommy, daddy, and every damn problem that shaped how I felt about myself.

Yet, I still had my self-destructive tendencies. I wanted to feel needed and important to someone.  I knew that my ex was looking out for his needs, so it was only fair in my mind that I had someone. I did find someone to pass the time with, Kevin. Still to this day, I feel back for hurting him. But thankful my interaction with this person forced me to look in the mirror. Kevin was a pleaser, much like myself. He would mold himself to like and be who I wanted him to be.

On January 1 of that year, I found myself hiking. A few months prior I considered reaching out to an old co-worker who I knew climbed and hiked to see if I could tag along on some of her adventures. Sadly, she passed away in an avalanche the previous September.  With too much time on my hands and the latest social media obsession, Instagram, I found myself constantly dreaming of mountains. I decided there was no real reason I couldn't be getting outside.

To me now, the hike up to Lena Lake in the Olympic National Forest was nothing compared to the miles I have clocked. But it was what awakened my soul. I was lost, buried deep inside the shell of a person who simply just existed.

It is a weird thing to spend your entire life not knowing who you are. Can you imagine? Going through twenty-seven years of life barely about to touch the surface of who you are. Hiding the depression and anxiety that you had been taught to be ashamed of? This is where things get heavy. I have spent twenty-seven years in denial of my depression. It took me that long to realize that you should not hate what you see in the mirror. The idea of taking your own life wasn't a normal one and that I needed to learn to love myself. Not mold myself to fit someone else's life.

Life Update

Anthony Lakes Ski Area (Oregon). Photo by Paul Jantzi

What a difference a year makes. 

February 2017.  I was working long days at two jobs in preparation to hit the road and move to Smith Rock State Park for the season. Selling and donating most of what I had accumulated over the years was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I felt like a caged animal in my place just outside of Seattle, and I was craving something more in life.  My heart craved adventure. Why was I paying rent for a place I barely slept at?

I thought becoming a guide was what my passion was. The idea was that I would spend my summer getting strong, so I could break into the guiding world and eventually start a non-profit to help others who also suffered from depression and anxiety. Everyone kept telling me that they hoped I found what I was searching for. This greatly offended me at the time. I had gone through a great awakening only a few years prior after a tough break up from both a boyfriend and job. My return to the great outdoors was empowering and I felt confident in the strong woman I had become. Well, I was wrong. It is weird how you fantasy what your life will be like when you make these life-changing decisions. My expectations were high and I was lucky enough to have my other-half, Paul,  with me on this new adventure. 

The seven months I spent at Smith Rock were the best and worst times of my life.

I was on this great adventure, but kept asking myself if I was insane for making this choice. Did I have any business living out of my tent and car? After all, I was thirty-years-old. Our daily routine soon became easier. It's funny how little you really need to be happy.  Most of my peers our focused on what they need to make themselves happy, but it terms out you don't really need much.

The bivy provided me with all that I really needed. My heart longs to go back to the sunsets, the warm sun in the mornings, and even the sounds of the geese. We had a built in family with the people who were also there for the summer and the weekend climbers always provided some sort of entertainment.  

My favorite home location at Smith Rock on the Crater Rim in the late Summer. (Smith Rock State Park, Oregon)

It soon became clear that my stoke and passion for climbing was missing.  How could the thing that brought me most joy, just not be there anymore? That was a hard pill to swallow. I gave up my life in the city for this one, just to find that maybe I did not like climbing anymore. My self-doubt kick in, I thought about going back to Washington often. Without Paul, I would have left and given up. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. THANK GOD I STAYED. 

I was looking for something.

The thing I was looking for was myself. Funny how that works? You think you have it all figured out, but in reality. You have no clue what you are doing and somehow if take time to feel and listen the the experience you'll find your way. I did get a chance to guide on some bigger groups for Smith Rock Climbing Guides (shout out to David Potter) and I had a great time with the high school and college groups.  Although, I knew guiding was not for me, something started to pull at my heart strings. 

Teaching has always been something I talked about. When I graduated from the University of Washington in 2012, I talked about continue my education to my boyfriend at the time who talked me out of it. I started to throw around the idea of teaching again, remembering that the thing that I had always most enjoyed was when I volunteered a summer at the Refugee Transition Center at Kent School District as a Teaching Assistant. 

Probably one of the only times we will ever get to work together. Paul and I guiding a group  for Smith Rock Climbing Guides. Photo by Derrick Peppers (Smith Rock State Park)

We had no idea where we would be over the winter season, and finally we decided on Boise to be close to family. Paul was encouraging of me pursuing my ambitions of teaching. Could I really start all over again? It was in October where I spent some time back up in Seattle that I met with a advisor at Western Washington University for a Master's in Teaching. The choice seemed clear to me, this is what I am suppose to be doing. Although climbing wasn't what I wanted to do as a job, it is my passion and I did not want to stop doing it. Teaching is the outlet where I can make an impact, but still have time for my hobbies.

So, I guess this post is basically a general life update for my family and friends who have been following along with my journey. Wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.

Paul and I are still working through what our normal looks like. We both miss Smith Rock and are fully aware that the fact that we made it through together speaks volumes about our relationship. Not many people could have made it through. We also have spent a lot of time talking about our goals and what we want out of life. We have been making the best out of our time here in Boise. We will be moving to Bellingham towards the end of the summer, we just couldn't see not enjoying a summer in the the Sawtooths and time with our nephew. Paul has made the difficult decision to not pursue guiding as a career. He will be also attending school in the fall to start his pre-nursing program and hopes to volunteer his time with Search and Rescue. 

It's been hard to transition to the idea that we will now be "weekend warriors," but we know that the choices we are making now will make climbing and travel a lot easier in the coming years. We have been lucky enough to take a few trips this winter and have more planned.

First overnight cross country ski trip to Stanley Lake in the Sawtooths was amazing.
Photo by Paul Jantzi (Sawtooth Wilderness, Idaho)

Smith Rock reminded me of how important the relationship I have with myself is.

I wish I could be like the girls that I see on social media who are carefree that travel and make home anywhere. Smith Rock will always be a very special place for me, and we hope we can spend an extended amount of time there every year, but I like routine. As we arrived in Boise, I made sure to focus on routine. My physical health is very much apart of my mental health. I committed to a gym routine and am feeling strong and healthy. Let me tell you, I am addicted to the Body Pump Classes. Focusing on continuing my education has been a good stress. Hopefully, I will get to do some sub teaching while we are here in Boise, but no matter what I am excited to start school in the fall.

My break from climbing has also been freeing.

Being caught up on how hard I was climbing and comparing myself to others is pretty stupid. Honestly, I do not really care what others are doing. It is awesome to see others pushing themselves and accomplishing their goals, but I cannot define myself by what others do. I have had more fun with getting out and being silly. The best times I have had have been with Paul where we are just laughing and enjoying the outdoors.  Learning to ski this winter has been FUN. I don't feel like I have to be the best skier. Honestly, I don't care if I am the best at anything outdoors. Letting go of expectations has been freeing. 

Paul and I at Stargaze Point. (Idaho)

And of course, I have missed Washington.

Washington is home and it is nice finally knowing where my home is. Some people search their whole lives to find a place to call home. Sometimes it takes leaving to realize that is where you have always belonged. Returning to my home state of Idaho has reminded me of why I left and made me thankful for how far I have come.  I do love that moving here has showed me how to live an active lifestyle in a "city" setting.  I have started to face my fears when it comes to bike community. Yeah, I still mainly ride on the sidewalk, but it is pretty awesome to ride my bike 4 miles a day to and from work. I also love that I can go  for a quick hike after work at Camel Back State Park, or I can drive 45 minutes up to Bogus Basin to ski (Shout out to Michele for hooking me up with some park skis). 

One bad thing, our car was stolen about a month ago. After it was stolen, we started talking about replacing it with a van so trips would be easier on the weekends. A week later, the police found out car.  Good news, we are still going to get a van.  We have been pretty lucky with our time here and I feel very blessed to have Paul's brother Ben, his wife, Jackie, and their son, Obi, around. They have made living here  special and made it easier to be away from other family.  They will be what I miss most when we leave.  

I still have lots of big mountain dreams, but I have more realistic expectations for myself.

Perhaps, the most important lesson that I take from last year is that I am capable of anything, but I am my own worst enemy. Once I let that voice say I can't, well I can't. It is easy to get caught up on what you wish you could be doing.  All the people I know in Washington will soon be posting pictures of TC on Dragontail and the North Ridge of Baker, but I am content with what we have here. Those mountains are not going anywhere and right now, it probably isn't the best time for me to be doing those things. Sure, I have an endless list in Washington, but I won't be there for much of alpine season. But I do plan on climbing Mount Rainier and N. Ridge of Mount Stuart this year. All attainable goals, all things I am capable of .

Plus, I think the Sawtooths will keep me more than occupied for the rest of our time here. Did I mention that we are close to Utah and Wyoming too? And for those of you who are interested, my bucket list out here includes:

The Grand Teton

Climbing at Indian Creek

CITY OF ROCKS (duh)

Mount Heyburn

Borah Peak

Anything Lost River Range

Yellowstone National Park

My Project at Smith Rock

Three Sisters Traverse

Seven Devils Hike

And anything else that comes my way in the Sawtooths or Lost River Range.

Evening hike at Camel Back State Park. (Boise, Idaho)

And I am still looking for something, we all are.

I think once I stop looking for something,  I will stop growing and evolving. I plan on living a long and happy life. If I can't keep learning and becoming a better me, what's the point?  Life is one big adventure and I hope to still be roaming the mountains well into my 70s (yeah, the PCT is on my bucket list) and with luck, Paul will be by my side.

Life isn't perfect, but there are so many perfect moments.

I know things will always be changing and times will get hard. My life isn't perfect, I struggle often with my anxiety and depression. I am broken, but I think that is what makes me that much more appreciative for what I have. People will always judge me for being me and the choices I make. I know I have been a bad friend and family member sometimes, not gone to weddings and other events, but I love my people.  My hope is to be able to balance family and adventure better in the coming years.  But please know, often times my lack of physical presence doesn't mean I don't care.

To Paul, thank you for enjoying the journey with me, even when the times our tough and when I freak out about money. Thank you for being the provider the past few months, your unconditional love, random dance parties, and your constant support.  Growing old with you is something that I look forward too.  

This is not what I imagined life being like a year ago, but I do know that the outdoors will always be my place where I am most me. To Smith Rock, thank you for helping me to find what I was looking for. Thank you for making me push myself, cry, and love and hate you.

Bogus Basin, November. Photo by Paul Jantzi (Idaho)