Life Update

Anthony Lakes Ski Area (Oregon). Photo by Paul Jantzi

What a difference a year makes. 

February 2017.  I was working long days at two jobs in preparation to hit the road and move to Smith Rock State Park for the season. Selling and donating most of what I had accumulated over the years was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I felt like a caged animal in my place just outside of Seattle, and I was craving something more in life.  My heart craved adventure. Why was I paying rent for a place I barely slept at?

I thought becoming a guide was what my passion was. The idea was that I would spend my summer getting strong, so I could break into the guiding world and eventually start a non-profit to help others who also suffered from depression and anxiety. Everyone kept telling me that they hoped I found what I was searching for. This greatly offended me at the time. I had gone through a great awakening only a few years prior after a tough break up from both a boyfriend and job. My return to the great outdoors was empowering and I felt confident in the strong woman I had become. Well, I was wrong. It is weird how you fantasy what your life will be like when you make these life-changing decisions. My expectations were high and I was lucky enough to have my other-half, Paul,  with me on this new adventure. 

The seven months I spent at Smith Rock were the best and worst times of my life.

I was on this great adventure, but kept asking myself if I was insane for making this choice. Did I have any business living out of my tent and car? After all, I was thirty-years-old. Our daily routine soon became easier. It's funny how little you really need to be happy.  Most of my peers our focused on what they need to make themselves happy, but it terms out you don't really need much.

The bivy provided me with all that I really needed. My heart longs to go back to the sunsets, the warm sun in the mornings, and even the sounds of the geese. We had a built in family with the people who were also there for the summer and the weekend climbers always provided some sort of entertainment.  

My favorite home location at Smith Rock on the Crater Rim in the late Summer. (Smith Rock State Park, Oregon)

It soon became clear that my stoke and passion for climbing was missing.  How could the thing that brought me most joy, just not be there anymore? That was a hard pill to swallow. I gave up my life in the city for this one, just to find that maybe I did not like climbing anymore. My self-doubt kick in, I thought about going back to Washington often. Without Paul, I would have left and given up. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. THANK GOD I STAYED. 

I was looking for something.

The thing I was looking for was myself. Funny how that works? You think you have it all figured out, but in reality. You have no clue what you are doing and somehow if take time to feel and listen the the experience you'll find your way. I did get a chance to guide on some bigger groups for Smith Rock Climbing Guides (shout out to David Potter) and I had a great time with the high school and college groups.  Although, I knew guiding was not for me, something started to pull at my heart strings. 

Teaching has always been something I talked about. When I graduated from the University of Washington in 2012, I talked about continue my education to my boyfriend at the time who talked me out of it. I started to throw around the idea of teaching again, remembering that the thing that I had always most enjoyed was when I volunteered a summer at the Refugee Transition Center at Kent School District as a Teaching Assistant. 

Probably one of the only times we will ever get to work together. Paul and I guiding a group  for Smith Rock Climbing Guides. Photo by Derrick Peppers (Smith Rock State Park)

We had no idea where we would be over the winter season, and finally we decided on Boise to be close to family. Paul was encouraging of me pursuing my ambitions of teaching. Could I really start all over again? It was in October where I spent some time back up in Seattle that I met with a advisor at Western Washington University for a Master's in Teaching. The choice seemed clear to me, this is what I am suppose to be doing. Although climbing wasn't what I wanted to do as a job, it is my passion and I did not want to stop doing it. Teaching is the outlet where I can make an impact, but still have time for my hobbies.

So, I guess this post is basically a general life update for my family and friends who have been following along with my journey. Wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.

Paul and I are still working through what our normal looks like. We both miss Smith Rock and are fully aware that the fact that we made it through together speaks volumes about our relationship. Not many people could have made it through. We also have spent a lot of time talking about our goals and what we want out of life. We have been making the best out of our time here in Boise. We will be moving to Bellingham towards the end of the summer, we just couldn't see not enjoying a summer in the the Sawtooths and time with our nephew. Paul has made the difficult decision to not pursue guiding as a career. He will be also attending school in the fall to start his pre-nursing program and hopes to volunteer his time with Search and Rescue. 

It's been hard to transition to the idea that we will now be "weekend warriors," but we know that the choices we are making now will make climbing and travel a lot easier in the coming years. We have been lucky enough to take a few trips this winter and have more planned.

First overnight cross country ski trip to Stanley Lake in the Sawtooths was amazing.
Photo by Paul Jantzi (Sawtooth Wilderness, Idaho)

Smith Rock reminded me of how important the relationship I have with myself is.

I wish I could be like the girls that I see on social media who are carefree that travel and make home anywhere. Smith Rock will always be a very special place for me, and we hope we can spend an extended amount of time there every year, but I like routine. As we arrived in Boise, I made sure to focus on routine. My physical health is very much apart of my mental health. I committed to a gym routine and am feeling strong and healthy. Let me tell you, I am addicted to the Body Pump Classes. Focusing on continuing my education has been a good stress. Hopefully, I will get to do some sub teaching while we are here in Boise, but no matter what I am excited to start school in the fall.

My break from climbing has also been freeing.

Being caught up on how hard I was climbing and comparing myself to others is pretty stupid. Honestly, I do not really care what others are doing. It is awesome to see others pushing themselves and accomplishing their goals, but I cannot define myself by what others do. I have had more fun with getting out and being silly. The best times I have had have been with Paul where we are just laughing and enjoying the outdoors.  Learning to ski this winter has been FUN. I don't feel like I have to be the best skier. Honestly, I don't care if I am the best at anything outdoors. Letting go of expectations has been freeing. 

Paul and I at Stargaze Point. (Idaho)

And of course, I have missed Washington.

Washington is home and it is nice finally knowing where my home is. Some people search their whole lives to find a place to call home. Sometimes it takes leaving to realize that is where you have always belonged. Returning to my home state of Idaho has reminded me of why I left and made me thankful for how far I have come.  I do love that moving here has showed me how to live an active lifestyle in a "city" setting.  I have started to face my fears when it comes to bike community. Yeah, I still mainly ride on the sidewalk, but it is pretty awesome to ride my bike 4 miles a day to and from work. I also love that I can go  for a quick hike after work at Camel Back State Park, or I can drive 45 minutes up to Bogus Basin to ski (Shout out to Michele for hooking me up with some park skis). 

One bad thing, our car was stolen about a month ago. After it was stolen, we started talking about replacing it with a van so trips would be easier on the weekends. A week later, the police found out car.  Good news, we are still going to get a van.  We have been pretty lucky with our time here and I feel very blessed to have Paul's brother Ben, his wife, Jackie, and their son, Obi, around. They have made living here  special and made it easier to be away from other family.  They will be what I miss most when we leave.  

I still have lots of big mountain dreams, but I have more realistic expectations for myself.

Perhaps, the most important lesson that I take from last year is that I am capable of anything, but I am my own worst enemy. Once I let that voice say I can't, well I can't. It is easy to get caught up on what you wish you could be doing.  All the people I know in Washington will soon be posting pictures of TC on Dragontail and the North Ridge of Baker, but I am content with what we have here. Those mountains are not going anywhere and right now, it probably isn't the best time for me to be doing those things. Sure, I have an endless list in Washington, but I won't be there for much of alpine season. But I do plan on climbing Mount Rainier and N. Ridge of Mount Stuart this year. All attainable goals, all things I am capable of .

Plus, I think the Sawtooths will keep me more than occupied for the rest of our time here. Did I mention that we are close to Utah and Wyoming too? And for those of you who are interested, my bucket list out here includes:

The Grand Teton

Climbing at Indian Creek

CITY OF ROCKS (duh)

Mount Heyburn

Borah Peak

Anything Lost River Range

Yellowstone National Park

My Project at Smith Rock

Three Sisters Traverse

Seven Devils Hike

And anything else that comes my way in the Sawtooths or Lost River Range.

Evening hike at Camel Back State Park. (Boise, Idaho)

And I am still looking for something, we all are.

I think once I stop looking for something,  I will stop growing and evolving. I plan on living a long and happy life. If I can't keep learning and becoming a better me, what's the point?  Life is one big adventure and I hope to still be roaming the mountains well into my 70s (yeah, the PCT is on my bucket list) and with luck, Paul will be by my side.

Life isn't perfect, but there are so many perfect moments.

I know things will always be changing and times will get hard. My life isn't perfect, I struggle often with my anxiety and depression. I am broken, but I think that is what makes me that much more appreciative for what I have. People will always judge me for being me and the choices I make. I know I have been a bad friend and family member sometimes, not gone to weddings and other events, but I love my people.  My hope is to be able to balance family and adventure better in the coming years.  But please know, often times my lack of physical presence doesn't mean I don't care.

To Paul, thank you for enjoying the journey with me, even when the times our tough and when I freak out about money. Thank you for being the provider the past few months, your unconditional love, random dance parties, and your constant support.  Growing old with you is something that I look forward too.  

This is not what I imagined life being like a year ago, but I do know that the outdoors will always be my place where I am most me. To Smith Rock, thank you for helping me to find what I was looking for. Thank you for making me push myself, cry, and love and hate you.

Bogus Basin, November. Photo by Paul Jantzi (Idaho)