It's been awhile since I have given a truthful and honest entry on my blog. 

I have been only sharing half truths, because I just didn't feel like I wanted to burden anyone with my struggle and pain.

Truthfully, I haven't felt like I've had to offer to anyone over the past year.

The start of 2019, was very hard.

I kept my mental health battles to myself until they got to a boiling point.

Honestly, living with a Chronic Illness, Depression, and Anxiety can exhausting.

The shame I still feel for my "weakness" still prevents me from being vunerable.

Bellingham sucked.

Not because Bellingham really sucks or was their anything wrong with it.

I spent a lot of time in excruciating pain from my Endometriosis and when I would finally get out side to do something I loved I was crippled with Anxiety. I would find every excuse in the book to not get out of the car.

My Endometriosis symptoms seem to be nothing but constant.

I quit my first job that I had there because I was in such pain and crying non-stop on day two of training, I couldn't pull it together.

Me, crying in pain seems to be a constant in Bellingham.

I felt like I was in my early 20s again, wondering if I would ever be able to escape the prison that my body had become, yet again.

It's hard to admit when you feel defeated. Chronic Pain takes a hold of you and it is hard to get out of the dark place that it puts you in. Sometimes you get lost in the pain, wondering if it will ever end and you grow anger with the doctors who don't hear you or care to give you compassion.  Illness that give the victim the most pain are the ones that you feel the most invisible from the outside world. The pain often just beings and you hope that it will only last the day, instead the weeks turn into months, and you begin to wonder if there is ever a light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt hopefuless.

I was living in a place that I so badly wanted to be home, but it wasn't. January 1, was my breaking point. I just was done, done with feeling sorry for myself, done with my doctor ignoring my pain, done with letting my depression and anxiety holding me back.

I must have cried all day.

The release.

Growing up, my mom instilled in me that you only ever had one day to feel bad for yourself, after that, move forward.

I knew things weren't going to change overnight.

That my pain wouldn't magically go away.

But I needed to remind myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

It was okay for me to be exhausted.

Fighting a Chronic Illness for over 15 years wears you down and it takes a lot to keep fighting and pushing forward.

The next day, I set intentions.

Intentions for the things I wanted and needed in life.

If there is one thing I have learned about life, it seems like you are always having to step back and move forward more than you realize.

I had been trail running here and there since we moved from Boise, but I had let the passion fade quickly with my pain. I love running, I love being outside, so why wasn't I making myself do it?

Let me tell you, after getting knocked on my butt by my illness. It's freaking hard to get back up and get back to routine. But let's be real, I am no Spring Chicken, and fourty will be here before I know. Heart Disease, Intenstinal Issues, and Rheumtoid Arthritis also run in my family. So it's kind of important for me to stay active, well for me and my health.

I have to be honest here, this is where having a supportive, compassionate, and loving partner is important. I asked that Paul hold me accountable and help me with my goals. I signed up for a 25k and knew I would have to train to not embarrass myself. I returned to my Yoga Practice, something that I hate to neglect but find myself doing it more than I would life. Holding yourself accountable is worth it. These are things that if I stay consistant with, I find my depression and anxiety aren't an issue. 

I do want to add that giving myself boundaries has been important too. If I am exhausted and my body hurts, I listen to my body. This past year, I have been working on balance and knowing when I just need to honor my body and it's need to heal from constant pain.

Sometimes I wonder if I have let my fellow Endowarriors or Mental Health Advocates down by my lack of greatness. I have always wanted nothing more than to share my journey to maybe help one person who is also suffering.

I see all these people around me doing amazing things.

And yet, my list of goals continues to grow with not many being checked off.

Stupid, I know.

Maybe I just feel more like I am letting myself down, that I should have or could have done more.

 I still struggle to find balance.

I find it hard to open up about my struggles.

To let go.

To be vulnerable.

To acknowledge when I am hurting.

To accept that my Chronic Illness impacts more than just my pain levels.

That's the truth.

If you are suffering, you aren't alone.

I see you. 

I hear you.

I am here for you.

You are not alone. 

Why I Choose to Be Vegan.

     Growing up, I wasn't instilled with the healthiest eating habits. My mom limited our fast food, candy, and soda intake, but we were a meat and potatoes kind of family. Often times my family ate what was easy and affordable--that seems to happen when you are raising four kids and your husband is deployed every six months. Hot pockets, Hamburger Helper, and Spaghetti were staples of my childhood. As a teenager, I worked at a local grocery store which meant most of my meals at work came from the deli. My high school offered pizza, sodas, and salads for lunch. I often would eat a "healthy" salad drenched in ranch dressing. I would come home from school and grab a soda, eat slices of cheddar cheese, and always have ice cream for dessert. When I started college, I ate A LOT of fast food. At 21, I started to drink, a lot.

     Endometriosis and its pain have been a part of my life since I was about 15. I struggled with what I thought was irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), but still continued to eat food that wasn't nourishing or doing me any good. At 24, I started to cut out the majority of meat I consumed. At 26, I cut out all pork and limited my red meat intake. At 30, I started to become more aware of my bad genetic. My grandfather has suffered from a number of heart attacks and is diabetic, my grandmother's father also died of a heart attack, and my mom was recently diagnosis with Rheumatoid Arthritis. For me, food is medicine and can cause you either pain or give you relief.

    I had realized that over half of my life, I thought consuming pain pills, upset stomach, and constant bowel movements was normal because of my Endometriosis. As I have gotten older, I have started to look at food differently. We are what we eat right? I started to research how food could be a factor in my chronic pain and found more articles than I could count that had found that eating Vegan had helped make life more bearable for women suffering from Endometriosis.  Endometriosis is not just bad period cramps. I think that Jessica Murnane has put into words perfectly:

“For a lot of women, it’s not just feeling pain during your period; you feel it the week before, you can feel it all month. Living with chronic pain, it can really cause you to have deep depression and feel like ‘If this is going to happen every single month, what the fuck is my life,’ you know? Do I have to live like this forever!? It’s hard to be positive.”

In the Fall of 2017, I started to make my transition to a plant-based lifestyle. I am not going to lie, it was god-damn hard. I would stay strict to the diet for a month or two, then find myself eating a tub of ice cream.  I had already cut out meat completely, so that part wasn't hard for me. The first year was the hardest for me personally, because often times people think "Vegan" automatically means "healthy," which is not the case for many. Let me be clear, being Vegan is not a health food kick or a fad. It's a lifestyle choice and every week your meals have to be planned out to make sure you are getting all the nurtients you need to stay health. 

     Nothing about the process was easy for me. Yes, I love cheese, but it isn't good for my body. When I finally committed fully to the lifestyle, I noticed changes within the first month. Now, I can happily report that I do not feel like I am spending extended periods of time in the bathroom, Endo-Belly is not a thing that happens to me, and that my pain had substantially gone down in the past year. Yes, I do use other forms of treatment on my "bad" days, but have really commited to more of a natural approach. How can one really justify taking pain medication on a weekly basis and think that is maintainable? 

     I have been a part of many "Endometeroisis Support Groups," basically the majority of the conversation relates back to pain. Many of these women are living on pain medication and surgeries. Although I am no medical professional, I truly believe that what we put into our bodies greatly effects how we feel. I'm not saying that everyone should go full Vegan who is suffering from chronic pain, but I do honestly think it's worth trying for a few months to see if it could help with your pain. My choice to go Vegan was primarily for my health, but I will also credit ethical and enviromental reasons.

Lately, I have gotten quite a few messages about going Vegan.

So you want to go Vegan? Where do you start?

1.  Do Your Research

Being Vegan does not mean you are going to be automatically healthy.

I tend to stay away from highly processed meat substutites (Sorry for all you Beyond Meat Lovers, but processed food is not good for anyone.)

Understand how to get COMPLETE PROTIENS. Eating just Black Beans or Peanut Butter is not going to give you a complete protein. 

2. Don't Be Afraid to Try New Things/Make Sure You Are Changing It Up

Meal Plan, Meal Plan, Meal Plan.

It is super easy to get stuck in a funk if you aren't trying new reciepes and planning out your meals for the week. Being Vegan does mean more attention and prep for the food you are eating if you are doing it the right way. You can't eat pizza and tofu scrambles all week.

3. Understand What Your Body Needs 

Even if you aren't Vegan, I strongly advocate knowing this information. Are you getting enough fiber and vitamins you need? Especially if you live an active lifestyle, knowing what the foods you eat do for you is empowering. 

4. Getting Enough Calories 

More Veggies mean your body is going to have to eat more than it use to. I know I personally get more fiber in my diet now and my body isn't working to digest meat so everything works through my system faster. Personally, I eat 4-5 small meals a day. I also love having smoothies for snacks. 

5. Don't Forget About Iron and Calcium! 

When I was researching common mistakes Vegans make this was a top mistake. Personally, I love Spinach and eat it every day. But there are tons of other sources for Iron that I personally include in a majority of meals. 

For Calcium, I read labels. I have sweet tooth and love Chocolate Almond Milk that has been fortified with Calcium. I also love Dried Figs and add Flax Seeds to my Smoothies. 

6. Follow Recipes in the Beginning for Reliable Sources

Cooking Vegan doesn't mean eating bland food. My other half is a meat eater, but he primarily eats Vegan because I do the cooking. I followed recipes in the beginning to make sure I was getting the nutrients I needed. 

Check out: From My Bowl, Namaste Vegan, Oh She Glows, and Minimilist Baker. 

7. B12 

Yes, there are very few options on ways to get this when you are Vegan. I like to take Live Well's Vegan B12 Liquid in my Smoothies. 

Last, I want to say meal planning again has been the most important thing I have done to stay healthy. Also, I still keep a list on my fridge that has Vegan food sources for Omegas, Calcium, Fiber, Protien, etc. And go easy on yourself, if you want a cookie every once and a while that may have egg in it or you eat a farm fresh eggs here and there, that doesn't make you a bad Vegan.

     Also, I want to make something clear that are my two biggest pet peeves about being Vegan. Being Vegan does not make you better than someone who eats meat. Just because you are Vegan, you do not have the right to be self-rightous and judge others who consume meat. This is the United States of America where we are raised to eat meat, please be kind. Being Vegan is not attainable for a lot of people, but I do advocate cutting out meat products out of your diet a few days a week  and trying to source your meat from ethical sources (buying a cow from a local farmer). Small changes can drastically help with the state of the environment.  Second, if you are not Vegan please stop asking Vegans how they get their protien, vitamins, and nutrients. It is probably the most ignorant question I personally hear. Meat does not give you all the nutrients your body needs. Ever heard of vegetables, whole grains, and fruit? I can guarntee that I know much more about what is going into my body on a day to day basis than most people. 

If you are reading this and do suffer from Endometeroisis. I do credit my pain level going down because of my Vegan Lifestyle, but it isn't the only thing I have done to live with less pain. I use CBD with a small percentage of THC Tinctures and pills during my time of the month or if I do have a flare up. Also, I force myself to be active at least 4-5 times a week, even if I have pain. It can be hard and I do have to make myself run when I do have cramping. Exercise helps blood flow, releases endorphins, and lowers estrogen levels. Which means pain levels will go down.  Another suggestion is finding pelvic floor exercises that you can do a few times a week. I have found relief with Inferno Hot Pilates which focuses on the pelvic floor and core strengthing. I've also cut out alcohol and gluten drastically from my diet. Both cause inflammation. Last, listen to your body, if your tired rest.