It's been awhile since I have given a truthful and honest entry on my blog. 

I have been only sharing half truths, because I just didn't feel like I wanted to burden anyone with my struggle and pain.

Truthfully, I haven't felt like I've had to offer to anyone over the past year.

The start of 2019, was very hard.

I kept my mental health battles to myself until they got to a boiling point.

Honestly, living with a Chronic Illness, Depression, and Anxiety can exhausting.

The shame I still feel for my "weakness" still prevents me from being vunerable.

Bellingham sucked.

Not because Bellingham really sucks or was their anything wrong with it.

I spent a lot of time in excruciating pain from my Endometriosis and when I would finally get out side to do something I loved I was crippled with Anxiety. I would find every excuse in the book to not get out of the car.

My Endometriosis symptoms seem to be nothing but constant.

I quit my first job that I had there because I was in such pain and crying non-stop on day two of training, I couldn't pull it together.

Me, crying in pain seems to be a constant in Bellingham.

I felt like I was in my early 20s again, wondering if I would ever be able to escape the prison that my body had become, yet again.

It's hard to admit when you feel defeated. Chronic Pain takes a hold of you and it is hard to get out of the dark place that it puts you in. Sometimes you get lost in the pain, wondering if it will ever end and you grow anger with the doctors who don't hear you or care to give you compassion.  Illness that give the victim the most pain are the ones that you feel the most invisible from the outside world. The pain often just beings and you hope that it will only last the day, instead the weeks turn into months, and you begin to wonder if there is ever a light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt hopefuless.

I was living in a place that I so badly wanted to be home, but it wasn't. January 1, was my breaking point. I just was done, done with feeling sorry for myself, done with my doctor ignoring my pain, done with letting my depression and anxiety holding me back.

I must have cried all day.

The release.

Growing up, my mom instilled in me that you only ever had one day to feel bad for yourself, after that, move forward.

I knew things weren't going to change overnight.

That my pain wouldn't magically go away.

But I needed to remind myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

It was okay for me to be exhausted.

Fighting a Chronic Illness for over 15 years wears you down and it takes a lot to keep fighting and pushing forward.

The next day, I set intentions.

Intentions for the things I wanted and needed in life.

If there is one thing I have learned about life, it seems like you are always having to step back and move forward more than you realize.

I had been trail running here and there since we moved from Boise, but I had let the passion fade quickly with my pain. I love running, I love being outside, so why wasn't I making myself do it?

Let me tell you, after getting knocked on my butt by my illness. It's freaking hard to get back up and get back to routine. But let's be real, I am no Spring Chicken, and fourty will be here before I know. Heart Disease, Intenstinal Issues, and Rheumtoid Arthritis also run in my family. So it's kind of important for me to stay active, well for me and my health.

I have to be honest here, this is where having a supportive, compassionate, and loving partner is important. I asked that Paul hold me accountable and help me with my goals. I signed up for a 25k and knew I would have to train to not embarrass myself. I returned to my Yoga Practice, something that I hate to neglect but find myself doing it more than I would life. Holding yourself accountable is worth it. These are things that if I stay consistant with, I find my depression and anxiety aren't an issue. 

I do want to add that giving myself boundaries has been important too. If I am exhausted and my body hurts, I listen to my body. This past year, I have been working on balance and knowing when I just need to honor my body and it's need to heal from constant pain.

Sometimes I wonder if I have let my fellow Endowarriors or Mental Health Advocates down by my lack of greatness. I have always wanted nothing more than to share my journey to maybe help one person who is also suffering.

I see all these people around me doing amazing things.

And yet, my list of goals continues to grow with not many being checked off.

Stupid, I know.

Maybe I just feel more like I am letting myself down, that I should have or could have done more.

 I still struggle to find balance.

I find it hard to open up about my struggles.

To let go.

To be vulnerable.

To acknowledge when I am hurting.

To accept that my Chronic Illness impacts more than just my pain levels.

That's the truth.

If you are suffering, you aren't alone.

I see you. 

I hear you.

I am here for you.

You are not alone.