part 2

Photo Credit: Cliff Birdsall

How is it that I was still so self conscious at Smith Rock?

Leaving Seattle was freeing.

I was sick of the high school atmosphere. Now, in hindsight, I wonder if society's addiction to social media has contributed to the high school vibe. I cut ties with many. I can't stand people who are fake and once you have hurt me, I usually walk away.

Trust me, I know I can be harsh.

Although, I felt let down by many in my younger years. I was blind sighted by the person I considered my best friend two years ago. I had just gone through a break-up with the man I thought I was going to marry.  I had got into hiking and joined an outdoor women's forum. I did not really have tons a friends, but who am I kidding? I have never been a girl with a ton of close friends. Friendships to me are sacred and I am very picky about who I let in my life. I met Kay on a group hike up Mount Saint Helens, we didn't instantly click, but she had a very similar schedule to mine. With schedules that matched we hiked.

I had prided myself that I spent 27 years covering up who I was. Damn, I did a good job of never showing anyone who I was. But I wanted to be real, I wanted real friendships. With that, I decided to open up and just be me with Kay. I was a slow hiker and very inexperienced, Kay was always willing to go hike with me. Kay was awkward, funny, and seemed to genuinely want to be my friend. Being friends with females has been difficult throughout my whole life, since I am very closed off emotionally. 

First, I want to be clear, I have been a bitch. I have been mean to many people, most unintentionally but sometimes intentionally. There was a friend who I called a bitch because she ditched me after I took a weekend off to go to Portland and she ditched me to go climb Rainier with my friends. Harsh? Yes, but I wasn't willing to be a doormat anymore. That girl still hates me and tells people that don't know me that I am a terrible person. Yes, I was pretty terrible to call her a bitch.

But back to the story.

Kay and I became fast friends, best friends. We hiked 2-3 days a week, shared our deepest darkest secrets, and honestly, I thought she was going to be my best friend until I was six feet under. I felt like I finally had a friend that knew me, for just me. No lies, no pretending, no keeping her at an arms length. She was my chosen family, but things started to get weird. Kay seemed to get jealous if  I had any other friends. It was weird how she would act when I started getting close to another girl, Lindy.
Kay would do everything in her power to make sure she could hang out with us, and almost would invite herself to hang out. I didn't think much of it at the time, and never really understood why she would say such mean things about my other friends. She made it clear that she didn't care about these people because she was my friend. 

I would always meet people on Instagram to hike, Kay had the nerve to call one girl a "fan girl" who just wanted to hang out with us because we took great pictures. I didn't really understand this, and would never think this of someone. Sad thing, she told this girl that I was the one who said this about her and the two are now close friends.

Kay was uncomfortable with the men I dated, they were always terrible people. One day, she even told me that my aunt was too  controlling in my life. My aunt, my best friend, and my biggest support system. But she was my friend, and I figured it was all in my best interest.

I still vividly remember the last two weeks of our friendship. My schedule had really changed and
I was not able to hang out with Kay as much as we use to. Typing this now, I really get the creeps, like single white female creeps. My friend, Emily and I had been hiking and rock climbing a lot together. Emily and I wanted to go catch the tulip festival in Skagit County. Kay had asked me what I was up to after she got off work, and I let her know. She insisted on coming, she had arranged with Emily to come with us. Kay got off too late, and we missed the festival. It was disturbing how  I could sense that she did not want me to hang out with Emily alone. Like a jealous boyfriend.

A few months prior, Kay had gone to a hot springs with a very close male friend of mine, Clay.  I had trusted Clay with my life and he had been nothing but supportive and there for me. When Kay returned from the Hot Springs, she immediately contacted me saying that Clay had made her feel uncomfortable and had taken advantage of her with nude photos. I instantly went into friend mode, telling Clay how horrible he was. Being a victim of sexual assault myself I couldn't stand for a friend being treated this way.

Those months, Kay, unraveled. She became possesive of our friendship, I watched her behave inappropriately with men who were not her boyfriend, and watched her behavior in a hot tub that seemed similar to the inappropriate behavior she said Clay had. Things were not adding up. She messaged me one morning about how her dad was mad at her for not going to a Bernie Sanders event. It was all about how she couldn't understand why her dad was mad at her for not going to an event that she had known about for a month. I told her that her dad was probably really hurt.

It got really weird. Kay asked me why I didn't love her, and saying things that you would say to your significant other. I had never given Kay the impression that we had anything but friendship. I am not into girls. That night, she came over with her boyfriend to hang out with Emily and my roommates. Things seem to go fine, until the next morning she told me she needed a break and I was not giving her the love she needed. I was freaked out, and things seem to not be right. The lies where starting to unfold. It was like a slap in the face, I trusted her, and she lied.

It took me a while to realize that her elaborate story about Clay probably wasn't the truth. I sucked up my pride, and reached out. I felt awful, in my gut, I knew Kay had lied. Clay was so angry with me. Truth was Kay had asked Clay to take some tasteful images of her at the hot springs. She had told Emily and I that she had only removed her top and Clay had creepily taken photos of her when she was unsuspecting. Weird thing is, all the photos I saw of the day after talking with Clay were of Kay completely naked, smiling, and posing. Clay let me know that Kay had taken an edible and drank whiskey that day, she was a mess, and at one point she was falling asleep. He took her to dinner before dropping her off at her car, how could someone terrified for their life suggest dinner? ]

Then, the lies about me started to spill out. Kay said that I had taken advantage of financially. Saying she paid for everything when we went out hiking. I had given Kay a $20 often for driving to hikes,
I would pay for her to eat, and even paying for her to climb at the gym here and there. The shocker, she had told Clay that her and I had discussed being together. What the fuck? Never had I thought of her like that, or had we even discussed being together. But apparently, in her story we talked about it and it was something I didn't want.

WOW.

Gutted.

How could the first person that I let in as a friend do this? How could I be so stupid to trust them? Now, she still spreads her lies about me--what a user I am and the terrible things I say about people. The funny thing is, the terrible things that she usually says I said are what came out of her mouth. I am blunt, there is no talking about others behind their backs in my world.  Her elaborate story about Clay? Well, that's evolved into him drugging her and taking advantage of her. Straight up lies.

I have been so mad.
I have been so angry.

But I am sick of it. I am ready to release this pain that this person caused me.

Sure, this may not seem relevant to my story.  But it is so pivotal in shaping who I am and my experience. The loss of her in life was a huge blow. It felt like a total lie and was the ultimate shock. I was ready to let people in and this hurt. Friends aren't suppose to do these things.

This is something that I have hung on to. I took it with me to Smith Rock and lashed out at people who were just victims of my hurt. For a long time, I felt as if everyone had bad intentions. What's hurt the most is my friends who I introduced to Kay are now close friends with her.

I can only image what lies have been told to them. Tears that I have shed have been too many to count. How could I be so lied to and hurt, yet I was losing my friends. People acted like it was a silly fight, but friends don't say the things she said. Or deliberately hurt people the way she has. Or lie the way she does.

Showing up at Smith, all my emotions came back.  Maybe I was a bad person and everyone would see right through me.

People may think that this is completely inappropriate to post. Yes, I have changed the names out of respect, but this is my story, my truth. I am sick of the lies she tells, how she plays the innocent person, and has hurt people.

Most of all. I am tired. Tired of carrying this burden with me.

By writing this, I am letting go. Letting go of my anger, because I am better than that. I am not a bad person and I have a big heart. I treat the people in my life with respect. If you so desire to disrespect my friendship by believing these lies and want to disrespect me by choosing her friendship that's on you. It has hurt to lose every one of you, but in the end you weren't my friends. I feel bad for those who have  believed the lies and haven't gotten to know me.

And that's what I had to face a Smith right away. Letting go of my hurt and letting people in again.

Part One

 

 

 

 

Writing has been my outlet since I was a young child. It has been the way I have privately documented my pain and struggles. I have always kept notebooks to express myself and to put into words the aloneness, rejection, and depression that have been a burden that seemed too much to bear at times.

 

I spent most of middle and high school being bullied. My confidence was shot and I spent most of my time at school hunched over my desk, leaving me an easy target. Most of my classmates called me the hunchback. It destroyed me inside and made me want to hide even more. I never told my parents or anyone about the nickname. My pain was covered by my goofiness and not to serious attitude. I wasn't a drinker or smoker, my parents didn't have tons of money, and I lacked the emotional support I craved. Growing up, it was emotions that made you weak, and I never wanted appear weak to the outsider. It was important that I buried myself, not letting anything "real" about me show. Nobody could hurt me if I never let them in.

 

As a 31-year-old woman, I look back at my youth, It is heartbreaking, to see the girl who distanced herself from most. I spent most of my weekends locked in my room listening to music and writing. Dreaming of the person I wanted to be. Happy moments in my childhood don't jump out like they do for most. I loved spending time camping with my grandparents and with my aunt, these were the places I could hide and be myself. The world didn't seem to be able to rip me apart in these safe places.

 

I'm not sure if I am ready to talk about my abandonment and self-worth issues comfortably yet. My biological father never was in my life, nor has he ever made too much of an effort. I think my Mom saw a lot of him in me, causing her to resent me. I felt like an outsider often in my own mixed family and lacked direction. For the record, I love my mother and I know she did the best she did.

 

But I was self destructive, things that I now look back on and grasp to understand continue to haunt me. Spending my senior year and my two years out of high school with a boy who was physically and emotionally abusive still baffles my mind. It took me until about two years ago to admit to the fact that he had at one point raped me. After the break-up, I spent the next few years drinking heavily and making choices that still make me wonder why? Often, the only thing I thought I could control was my weight, which turned into an eating disorder. And money?  It's only now that I am beginning to try to get my life on the track of making good financial decisions, my credit is destroyed.  

 

My health is something that never I can seem to get on track, at 19, doctor's found two lime sized ovarian cysts and a tumor in my left ovary. Since, I have had two other surgeries. At 23, I learned that I would never physically be able to get pregnant and have my own children. The affects on my mental health are embarrassing, if I thought my depression and anxiety could be bad, just add in a flair up of my endometriosis.  I deal with pain management often and have had to deal with the fact that my near future does involve the removal of my uterus and ovaries. But the pain is not the worst symptom, to feel like a victim of your body. Especially, when you live an active lifestyle.

 

Wow. Okay, that was heavy. 

 

Life is not perfect. God, how I know that. 

 

This isn't a sympathy posting. This is my life, and writing is my therapy.

 

My Instagram used to be the lies of who I was, pictures that had no real value or meaning. Three years ago, I deleted everything off my handle that weren't true to who I am. I vowed to be as honest as possible with my postings. No, I won't lie to you, I have used tags and hashtags to help market myself, but I do it to help more see my journey just in case it helps someone. Someone who is probably suffering in silence. You see, it's the people who you don't expect that are probably suffering the most.

 

Okay, now you are thinking, why the hell is she sharing all of this back story?

 

I am sharing this because it is a part of my journey.

 

I have been having a tough go of it this Spring and Summer. I feel like a failure. These grand plans to move to Smith Rock and become "Alpine As Fuck" seem to have not gone that way. Truly, I thought I wanted to be a guide and thought it could translate into a non-profit.

 

I don't want to guide, that is what I do know after this season.

 

Climbing became more of a chore for me while living at the bivy for the past 6 months. Yes, I lived at the Smith Rock Campground and Skull Hollow for the past 6 months. I feel back into self-hatred the first few months. Thoughts that plagued my mind: I am too fat, too out of shape, not good enough, and everyone knows what a joke you are.  My endometriosis and depression have been a struggle since before I left Seattle, like a bad habit, I covered it up.

 

Hiking into the park the first few months were a struggle. I was self conscious, everyone was so much better than I am. Did I really have any business even being here? Why is it the one thing that once brought me such happiness and joy was now feeling shameful and embarrassing? I cried, a lot. Paul, felt helpless in his attempts to comfort me. I considered getting in my car more times then I  can remember those first few months. I felt as if I didn't fit in and everyone could see what a phony I was.

 

Who am I?

 

Really, I am asking myself this again.

 

 

(to be continued....)



 

What I Think They Were Trying To Say. . .

    

Three Days No Shower, and I am okay with being imperfect. Photo Credit: Paul Jantzi

 

Okay Ladies, we've all been either ranting about or applauding certain accounts on social media.  We question the authenticity of certain females and wonder if they are really following the notion of #liveauthentic.

     Yeah, you know what I am talking about. Those articles that target some pretty elite instafamous ladies. The most notable articles were featured by @tetongravity and most recently,@missadventuresmag. These articles have us drawing our battle lines. Any of us would be lying if we didn't admit to judging the perfectly coifed hair and editorial shots on notable Instagram accounts.  We hide behind our smartphones saying incredibly judgmental and hurtful comments.

    Is this really judgment or jealous? And is it fair? It isn't fair. Human nature is bringing to light our own insecurities and jealous. These rad ladies are just as human and imperfect as all of us. They just are able to market themselves a little bit better than the rest of us. Social media has opened the flood gates to have high school follow us into adulthood.  Should high school popularity and bullying really ever be acceptable?

    To be fair, Instagram is not about authenticity. It is about the picture. How many of you can honestly say you've read the print below the picture before double clicking the crap out of an image? It is the beauty of a picture that has all of us loving it and adding the place to our never ending bucket list. 

   Deep breaths.

   This shouldn't be a shocker, but as women we live in a society where we feel we must look and be a certain way. The social media collective magnifies this even more. Just like the generation before us compared themselves to the Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss types, we are comparing ourselves to notable IGers. 

    Now, let us say it out loud, " We are jealous and insecure." You can deny it all you want, but yeah, your jealous. Sure, I wish I could have perfect hair after a day in the mountains, but that's usually not the case. Also, can we please all accept the fact that we are women? It is okay to wear or not wear make up. You are already out there being a badass, and its okay to do the things that make you feel good while doing. No one should be shamed for that.

     There is only one concern that I really ever have for these famous grammars, and it is losing touch of the experience. I have done this myself where I feel like I have to get the best shot for my social media, which is stupid. I have witnessed a friend cry because she did not feel pretty and did not get the shot she wanted. Why? Why consume ourselves with these pictures? Instead consume ourselves with the moment. In ten years, no one will care how cool you were on IG. Case and point, MySpace.

     So, why do we as women continue to be incredibly brutal to the same sex? I have not seen any articles focusing on the authenticity of famous male igers. Their photos are just as staged, yet we say nothing. In turn, is it okay for men to have the perfect shot, but not women?

   Here is the challenge to myself and other women, We have all judged others harshly and been judged harshly. It is time to separate our thoughts from thinking that "reality" is social media. Stop the snarky comments behind one others back. Work on accepting that we are all different, don't hide behind your phone and laptop. We aren't going to like everyone in our lives, and that's okay. We don't need to say negative things or trash talk. If something bothers you say something. Bette to speak your peace then get angry from never saying anything. Empowered women, empower women, Cliché I know, but it is the truth. Ganging up on authors isn't much better either. Embrace who you are and go with it. Wave your freak flag and be proud of who you are. There is only one you, one lifetime. We've all been judged and there are constant misconceptions floating around out there.

     My thoughts in closing,  (and remember these are just my thoughts) who am I to question someone else's commitment, authenticity, and love of the outdoors? Instgram is  place where we decide what we do and do not share. Pretty pictures are just pretty pictures. It is no concern of mine or yours if someone is #authentic.

    So what I think what they were really trying to say, the authors of these controversial articles, is Instagram is just Instagram. Do not compare yourself to everyone whether it is what they look like, how hard they climb, or how cool they look. We have to break these bad habits after lifetimes of self-hate and the constant need to compare ourselves to everyone. Love and support each other. Life is hard and the microscope of social media is making it harder to not pick out our flaws and each others. Why make life even harder?

    Next time you find yourself judging someone else, ask yourself why you are really feeling that way. Embrace you, we are all beautiful. Enjoy the journey.

Here Goes Nothing.

Processing emotions has never been a strong suit of mine.

As I sit here, typing this on the comfort on the blow up mattress that has recently replaced my bed, I struggle to find the words for how I am feeling.

Seven short weeks, that is all I have left in Western Washington.

I signed my name to my last rent check less than a week ago. I have sold the majority of my possessions, only a few remain, but they too will soon be gone.  Trying to fit my life into a few boxes to store with my family has been nostalgic. I have had waves of emotion wash over me, pictures of past boyfriends, glimpses of a girl who I barely recognize, and the realization that everything is about to change.

Deciding that my life was going this direction seemed like a no-brainer last year when I told my friend, Erin, that I craved more out of life and knew that Washington wasn't providing it for me anymore. We were up on Mountain Loop Highway, it was a rainy day, and we didn't get in any hiking, but we did get in some entertaining photos. Afterwards, I proclaimed to social media that I was giving myself six months to sell everything I owned and travel. It's been a little over six months, and I am making good on my promise.

The world is always tossing and turning. Throwing you a few curveballs along the way, things that you swore would never happen. Little did I know, that my second failed attempt on Mount Stuart would put someone important in my life.  Happily single, I did everything in my power to not fall for Paul. Paul was everything that I promised I would never get serious about, a bit younger than me, dedicated dirtbag, working only enough to support his climbing habit, I knew he had to be bad news.  Or so I thought.

Paul, as it turns out, has been a pivotal part of helping me to recover from the mental effects of my fall this past summer. He also sees me as an equal, although he crushes 5.12 in Yosemite, he has never made me feel like I have to apologize for being myself, he accepts my imperfections and supports me ever step of the way.  Trust me, I am not an easy person to get to know, I protect myself very well. I am not sure where our journey will take us, but it is nice having someone to share the moments with.

Friends, true friends, are hard to find. Lucky for me, I also get to head to Smith Rock with an amazingly strong woman. It is funny how the universe sends people your way, just like the song. You don't always get what you want, you get what you need.

Sure, I still question my choices, almost everyday.

Often, when I find myself reflecting, it is like a flash, where I think of people who rocked me to my very core. Emotions are funny like that, there are two people who stand out in my mind. I often think of them, the impact they made on me. Neither of them are really apart of my life, one I spent an entire year pining over, wishing that I was good enough. He introduced me to the alpine, it changed my life. Perhaps, that is why it took so long for me to let go of the idea of him because I associated so much of my love of climbing with him. Ultimately, I have realized he collects women and when he is finished quickly disposes of them.

Smith was key to my evolution, I spent two weeks there this summer. I met so many amazing people, that I will forever hold close in my heart, but the one who stands out, will never know how much he influenced me. I think of him often, although we spent little time together, and he will hold a special place in my heart for a long time.

We can't be afraid to self-reflect or be afraid to care so deeply. It is what makes us beautiful.

I have no clue what I am doing, but I do know I have never felt more sure about anything in my life. There is no roadmap to how any of us are supposed to live this life. No manual that tells us how to live. All we can really do is follow our hearts.

I am terrified, but have never felt more sure about anything in my life.

Sometime, the best plan to have, is not to have a plan.

I'll spend my Spring and Summer at Smith Rock. After that, I am not sure. I would love to travel for a while, but  I do know that a little money is needed for that. Helping others is very important to me. I hope to work towards my personal goals and make those things a little bit more of a reality in the coming year.

I only have this life.

This life is mine to live. No one else is going to do it for me.

So here goes nothing.

Until the next adventure.

Social Media Culture

North Cascades, Mountain Loop Highway (Photo Credit: Cliff Birdsall)

 A pretty picture is just that, a pretty picture. It does not exam the depths of a person, show the pain and the pain that the person may be experiencing. That is the thing about social media, we control how much of the world we want to let it, we manipulate how much we want people to view us. We are able to manipulate our image so much, where we are falsely projecting our self. Time and time again, I see so many posting about what grand mountaineers and climbers they are, but there is not much experience when you dig down to the truth of it.  

Personally, I am no one special. Although, I am sure my social media image makes me seem like I am so much more. It seems lately, that social media is defining us. We can try to hide from it, but the end the day, the social media beast has created a bit of a high school vibe. It seems that we are always trying to one-up one another, trying to be cooler than the other girl. In my experiences, it has created a high school culture throughout the Pacific Northwest. People gossiping over who is doing what and bad-mouthing one another. Then, the next day going out with that person and getting the perfect shot for the gram.

I too have been guilty of saying some not so flattering things about others, but in the end, I am a person who cannot stand for the superficial bullshit and two-faced relationships. I moved to Seattle over a year ago, looking for a fresh start from Tacoma/Gig Harbor. I left my hometown of Post Falls, Idaho only five years prior.  I had found my passions in Rock Climbing and Mountaineering only the previous year, and was excited to be closer to my closet friends and meet people who I had met through social media. Little did I know, that I would never feel more confused, ashamed, and counting down the days to leave. 

Only a few months upon my arrival, I lost my best friend. She tarnished a close friends name by creating lies, but most of all she created lies about our friendship. Saying things about me to others that were complete lies, lies which she to this day, still continues to spread. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. Why? Because I do not open up to many, and she was the first person I truly 100 percent trusted. Not only that, but the fact that I would do anything for the friends in my life. It stung, and it still does. The sting was made worst after seeing people who I believed where my friends, who had bad mouthed her, plastered all over one another's Instagram's feeds.

Trust me, I am far from perfect. My blunt attitude can often be interpreted the wrong way. I have no problem saying how I feel to someone's place and have no time to play high school politics with talking about someone behind their back. My mistakes are something I will not regret, because they have made me who I am. There have been plenty of things in my life that I have not been proud of, but I have always been a trusting and genuine person. I spent the last few weeks questioning if there was something wrong with me. Then I realized, I do not have time for the insincere bullshit and the energy to have certain people as friends was not worth it. Real friends are not fair weather friends. 

Obviously, many will be upset about how I feel, but deep down inside I think many will agree. We are a society obsessed with who we are online. I have heard so many girls say, "Oh look at her. She does such epic things, that must be why he doesn't like me." A picture  online? That is how we define ourselves these days? Comparing ourselves to someone's Instagram Handle? This day and age, we can stalk whomever we would like online, it is pretty easy. Seriously though, you control how the world sees you online. Begs the question, how is this #liveauthentic?

Over the past few months, I have really been reflecting on these things. We have all seen the influx of injuries and deaths in Rock Climbing, Mountaineering, and Hiking. Outdoors is so mainstream and the thing to do right now. People are seeing others online and believing they too can go from the gym to the crag with no knowledge of safety or really what they are doing. I have watched people climb El Dorado on a rope team with no idea how to do Crevasse Rescue, seen people plan to climb Sahale Peak with no climbing knowledge or experience, and people preach LNT (Leave No Trace) on their feeds but destroy Alpine Meadows because they need their perfect social media post.

Maybe I was lucky, lucky that I had the proper person get me started with mountaineering and climbing. And continue to be lucky because I have so many people who have helped me become a safe and informed participant in the outdoors. I continue to grow, and still have so much to learn. I will never claim to be an all knowing person, all I can do is offer what my experiences were and how I deal with things.

Since the summer ended, I have made it a point to not really bring out my camera for the majority of my adventures. I was getting lost in wanting to make sure I kept up with everyone online. Making sure my adventures were just as rad. But for what reason? Outside is not something I do for anyone else, it's what I do for me. 

So here it is, this is me.

The outdoors for me, is what has saved my life. Sure, cliche. But I wanted to kill myself for many years, my bouts of depression and anxiety are something that will never be cured. I battle my demons ever day. When I was 19, I was diagnosed with endometrosis, causing me chronic pain and the inability to have children. My family is unconventional, my real father is what I like to call a sperm donor because he never made the effort to be apart of my life. I have family members who suffer from their own demons including PTSD, Depression, and addiction.

I deleted all my Instagram post that did not have to do with the outdoors because I wanted to grow my following. Growing my following has been a focus not because I want to be "Instafamous," but because I have a five year goal of starting a non-profit to help people like me.  Sure, I have gotten some great perks from social media. My handle will never be for the sole purpose of advertising for a company. It will be my outlet to share my journey, and if it helps only one person who feels alone out there, my job is done. What I have wanted to do have been successful.

I am no great mountaineer, climber, or even hiker. I am just me. Just a person who enjoys going outside. I'll never try to give anyone a false perception of these things. I love with all my heart and will always speak the truth. It may come off harsh, and I am not going to be friends with everyone because of it.

In March, I'll be leaving Washington to start my new journey. I will be spending my Spring and Summer at Smith Rock outside of Bend to focus on climbing safe and getting strong so I can take my SPI (Single Pitch Instructor) to take my next steps to guide and connect with others for my future non-profit. My life is not a fairytale, to make this a reality, I work doubles 15-18 hour days 3 days a week. All of this to live out of my car and a tent for 6 plus months. I can't say that I am sad about saying goodbye to Seattle, it hasn't been kind to me, and yeah, maybe I am to blame for that. But I will never change my honesty and I respect myself too much to get caught up in high school drama as an adult. 

Your life is your own.

Do not base your value on how many likes and followers you get.

Guess what? One day, Instagram will go away, and the next best thing will come along. So why does it really matter?

Remember that.

If you are living it for social media, you may want to start self-reflecting on the reasons why you are doing what you are doing. You have some many moments in your life. Put down the phone, computer, and camera, and go outside.. I dare you.

Until the next adventure.

    

  

     

Here.

Mount Stuart from Long's Pass. Photo Credit: Charlie Martin (@peakbeggar)

Here I am enough.

Here is where all my worries and insecurities fade.

I have seven months left on my lease in the city.

Seven months to simplify my life. To get my finances in order, devise a plan, and get out of town.

The events that lead me here are hard for some to understand.

How did I  get here?

The journey to get to this place is not a pretty one. I spent most of my life hating myself and trying to fit into the mold that society wanted me to fit into. Two years ago I  had no idea who I was. My heart still breaks for the person I was. I thought I was in love and lost my soulmate two years ago. He was really my savior, he saved me from a life that I would never be happy in. He forced me to take a look at who I was, and become who I always was deep down inside. I don't think he will ever know how forever grateful I am to him.

It was a long time coming, the journey. My parents did the best they could, and I had to take a lot of time to let go of hurt that I felt growing up. Always being the odd man out. I wanted so badly for my mom to be happy with what I was doing, always trying to get her seal of approval.  Now, looking back, I am not sure why I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't. Dating men I knew they would approve of, getting my degree from the University of Washington, and working a corporate job. None of those things really made me happy.

Heartbroken, lost, and fighting like hell to take control of my life. That is truly what got me here. Over the past six months, I have been tested by events in my life.  I am guilty of letting people in a little too easily. I got my heart set on relationship with a man I knew for only a few weeks to be let down. Maybe it was his lust for life, he was well-traveled, and seemed to not be scared of anything was what made me fall for him.  I had to let go of hurt from my childhood and re-evaluate friendships that were not mentally healthy for me. Life is hard, things do not go as planned, but it is how we choose to deal with those situations that makes us stronger. If you are not evolving and growing, what's the point? It is nice to want things, but you will be sadly disappointed if you expect to always get what you want. We always end up with what we really need.

Climbing has been my outlet since it was introduced to me. My injury this summer was a huge mental block, I thought about giving up so many times. Fearing that I was not strong enough or good enough to continue on. Just now, am I finding myself in a good place where I am feeling strong again. Getting over the fear and emotional impact of my fall has been tough. It is with the injury and moving forward that I believe that I am stronger.

That is what has lead me here, to this place. The place where I know it is time for me to move forward and push myself so I can start achieving some personal and professional goals. I love Western Washington for the mountains, but I think it is time to take a hiatus. We live in a big world, with lots of places to see and discover. With that discovery, I know that I will discover things about myself and be able to grow.

By doing this, I am forced to simplify my life. My closet has been cleaned with gave me glimpses of a girl that I use to be. Working has been my primary focus to save for wherever I end up. I'll be selling the majority of my furniture in the coming months, and won't have a home with four walls by the time my lease is up. It is scary, unknown, but most of all exciting. Why do we need material things? The experience is what I think means the most to me. The best days of my life don't involve what I had, but who I was with and the experience. There have been too many good times to just name one.

Where am I headed? It's still up in the air.  Smith Rock, Yosemite, or Squamish that's what I have narrowed it down to. There are some moving parts, but whichever one I end up in, will be the right fit for me.

I am still of course growing and learning more and more about myself. I still have my bouts of depression and anxiety, but it is when I am doing what I love that I feel strong and like myself. Nothing in life is perfect. But I don't really need perfect, who really does?

But where I am now, here. It's important to embrace it, love the moments, and make sure that I am not focusing so much on the future that I don't forget what is in front of me. I think that is something everyone should remember. We all get so caught up on what we want and what we are waiting for, we forget that we need to  focus on what we have now, what we have here.





Songs for Inspiration, because besides climbing and outside, I love music:

"Feel It All Around" Washed Out
"Coming Over-Filous Remix" James Hersey
"Let the Rhythm Just" The Polish Ambassador
"How Hard I Try" Filous, James Hersey

Fear of Failure

Leavenworth, Washington (Photo Credit: Avi Katz)

What is it that makes us fear certain things? The biggest battle that I have fought my entire life has been the fear of failing. I have never wanted to let down those closest to me, or hurt anyone because of my failures. This has been something I have battled for all my life. It unfortunately, has followed me to almost all aspects of my life, even in the outdoors. After deciding that my ankle and mind were not ready to push towards the summit of Mount Stuart this past weekend, my friend asked me if I was competitive on the hike down. I thought for a minute, and said only with myself. 

Like most I strive for perfection, but why not progression not perfection? I have put so many expectations on myself, I should be skinnier, stronger, smarter, and better than I am. Society has brainwashed us to believe that we need to look and be a certain way to  be accepted. Sometimes, I really believe this. My life has never been perfect, I am far from perfect and have made too many mistakes to remember.  And yet, I still make mistakes all the time. Mistakes are what make us stronger, but only if we learn from them. 

Dealing with emotions and feelings is very hard for me. I want to believe the best in people, and often times find myself letting people into my life too easily, and forgiving them easily after they have hurt me.  Leaving me to wonder if this makes me weak?  Why do I allow people into my life that have hurt me and treated me as if I am disposable? Am I under valuing myself? Am I failing myself by doing this? At the end, I let people into my life who are distant, make promises, and then, are gone. What does this say about myself I wonder? These are questions that I am still grasping to answer. Relationships are hard, but at what point do we need to let go of something that is toxic for us? I see so many people I care about hanging on to people and situations that are not good for them.  I do know, that the reality of actually being in a relationship again after being single for 2 years is terrifying.

I have grown so much in the past two years, most of my old friends have no idea who I am now. I look at the person I was in my last two relationships: a sad scared girl who had no idea who she was. Now, I really feel like I know who I am, but cannot imagine giving up any part of who I am now. Maybe that is why I date the wrong guys? Pine after guys who I know will never settle down, because deep down inside, I don’t want to settle down. Who am I kidding? If it came to the mountains or a guy, I would choose the mountains any day. How could I blame a love interest for doing the same? Commitment means having to make sacrifices for someone else, and I do not know if I can do that. I can barely keep up with my friendships. 

Ultimately, it is my fear of failure that holds me back from goals at times. My heart belongs to the mountains and my dreams these days. For the record, I have never been a little girl who dreamt of my wedding or a prince charming.  My dreams and goals of the summer have seemed to be stagnet, because of an ankle injury. And maybe the great inner battle I am having with myself.  I feel that I was my strongest right after summiting Mount Baker and after over a week spent at Smith Rock. Only to be brought back down to reality after falling in Leavenworth on lead and spraining my ankle very badly. Right after the fall, I did not think that this experience was going to affect me the way it did. 

Fear has had a strong grasp on me. I cried on top rope on Castle Rock in Leavenworth because I was uncontrollably shaking from terror and my ankle got to my head this last weekend on Mount Stuart. It was swollen and achy, but it was my head that really was getting to me. What if I was not strong enough? What if I am putting my partner and myself in danger by ignoring my ankle? What if, I am just not strong enough? These were my thoughts heading up to the climb at 5am in the morning. This is not really the mindset you want to be in before scrambling up some pretty exposed stuff and then climbing. I made the decision, that it was not the day for the summit attempt. 

It is hard thing to deal with. The demons that are inside of us, that prevent us from our dreams.  Our emotional scars that we carry with us can fade. But it is up to us to decide whether or not those define us or make us stronger.  My philosophy is to use those experiences of our past to make us stronger, to let go.  Letting go is the hardest thing you can do, but it does make you a more positive and open person. Perhaps, that is why I trust and forgive so easily, because I believe we are all flawed and good people. I often feel that my heart is something that I only give pieces of, not really letting anyone in completely, because I often feel I have nothing left to give. Somehow, I still find myself giving pieces of myself to others and taking a piece of them with me. 

I have been so profoundly changed by a select few this summer. Those select few have no idea how much they have changed me and how I still think of them. Hell, they probably do not even know who they are.  It does not take much to rock someone to their very core. See the thing is, I let every experience move me and try to learn and grow from everything.  It is my belief that we can take the good even out of bad experiences, there is too much beauty around us to focus on the bad.  Self-reflection and acceptance makes it much easier to live this way.  Being alone with your thoughts and being able to short through them is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. You should never be afraid to sit with your own thoughts, to be alone. This is how we grow.

Take time for you, take time to go to that yoga class, even if you worked a 10 hour shift, because you deserve to be alone and do what you want. You should never be too busy or tired for yourself. Take time to cry. Cry for what you thought you had or what you have lost. It’s okay to mourn the idea of something you thought you had.  Smile and laugh, tell your friends how thankful you are for the moment you have shared with them. Hike and climb, but make sure to look around and listen to what nature has to offer you. Be grateful for the moments you have, because you only have so many of them. Life can be over in an instant.

  Life is tough, and how we look at failure can change our entire lookout on life.  You are who you create, you can only run from yourself for so long. For a long time, I thought I needed a different job or this and that, when I realized, I did not need those things. What I needed was an attitude adjustment, I needed to change the way I saw myself and the world around me.  Life was not out to get me, and I was ruining the experience with my negative attitude. I was alienating myself from the people I loved and looking at my life as a failure. You cannot run from yourself forever, at some point, you have to face yourself. Look in the mirror, accept you are the one who is responsible for you. You can only blame others for so long, but once you take responsibility for who you are, then you can grow.

It was a long journey to get to where I am today, and I find myself still battling my inner demons from time to time. The idea that I am not good enough seems to be the one that will be a constant battle, but I will no longer let that control my attitude of how I live.  Is there really such thing as failure in the mountains? If I had fun, made memories, and made it home safe, I would say that is a success. Chasing summits is fun, but if I do not get the summit, it will not ruin my day. Who cares if that girl from Instagram summited a million mountains, I am not living my life for her or anyone else.

I had a hard time dealing with my injury. Feeling like a failure, like I had wasted weeks of my summer when I finally decided to take some time off. It was not easy to admit that I was struggling. I am terrified to ever lead Trad again, but I will go back to the basics: following, mock leading, and leading easy climbs where I gear can be checked. Sometimes you need to start over to get stronger. During this time, I have developed a strong liking for sport climbing (call me crazy), but it is pretty fun. Seriously, it is fun. Crimps, overhangs, and clips. 

The point is, we are all searching for something. We all have setbacks and bad days. It does not mean we have a bad life, but we have to make sure we limit those bad days. Also, making sure you are not making a big deal about something that is not even worth being upset about.  I see a lot of unhappy people who want to escape who they are, at the end, we control our attitudes. No one else, if you are blaming others for where you are, you are letting yourself down. How about dealing with who you are, what could you be doing better? Is your relationship really is working for you? Is your job really the problem? I can only speak from my own experience. I was with someone who is amazing, just not amazing for me. He seemed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but in hindsight, he was holding me back and I was probably holding him back. My job, it was sucking the life out of me, so I left, and now am trying to find a career that works for my life. My attitude, it was terrible, everything was negative. It alienated me from friend, family, and life itself.  So, I looked in the mirror, and said, I am failing myself.  That is when I decided that I was the problem. I needed to work on loving myself, because you will never be happy in life if you can't love yourself. I stopped running from who I was.  The only failure any of us should be afraid of is not living our lives in a positive and happy manner.

Until the next adventure.