2015

Two Thousand Fifteen.

Mount Rainier National Park

In the blink of an eye, 2015 will be done and over with. This was truly an incredible year, and I cannot think of any words to express what an amazing year it has been. It has been by far the best year of my life. I have been trying to think about what my favorite moments of 2015 and it has been tough. Certain moments have stuck out more than others, but I have lived quite the life this year.

I could lie, and say everything has been perfect this year, but it has not.  My dad spent the summer battling cancer and beat it. I had to cut ties with someone who was not good for me and their was plenty of disappointment. At the end of the  day what it really boils down to is the fact, that no matter how bad things got, I really cannot complain.

The Top of Humpback Mountain

If I had to do it over again, there would not be one thing that I would change. Reflecting, there are some adventures that stand out more than others.

10. Mount St. Helens. How could anyone ever forget their first volcano? It was disgustingly hot for April and I had done everything I thought I needed to do in order to be prepared for the climb. Now, I laugh at that day. We all ran out of water, I shamelessly ate snow about 1000ft from the summit, but damn, that Rainier tasted so good at the top.

9. Mount Adams. Key things to remember: do not make the trek up to Lunch Counter your first backpacking trip, do not get drunk the night before, and if you want to have the most epic middle of the night pee in your life do it here during a full moon.  It was heartbreaking not to get the summit, but I know that I will be back in a few short months to see what the world looks like from the top of Mount Adams.

8.  Marmot Pass/Buckhorn Mountain.  Girls Memorial Day Trip. We killed it with our full packs and only took a few hours to get to the top of the pass. We were feeling pretty confident, and decided to unpack and head up to Buckhorn. Little did we know that Gary the Goat had other plans. As we started to get to the top of the ridge, we noticed a very angry goat was coming after another hiker. Katherine and I thought we would be able to wait it out, but unfortunately, Gary the Goat had other plans. Let's just say the goats were not having us this trip. The epic views were not available because of cloud coverage, but I do not think I ever laughed harder at someone purifying water. I think it may have to be a Memorial Day tradition.

7. Vantage, Washington Climbing.  Luckily, I got the bug for climbing and have had some really generous people take me out. My first trip, was pretty memorable. My friend Jason and I stayed the night and were able to save the tent from a fun windstorm. Reid trying to lead a climb and realizing he didn't have enough gear. We froze our butts off the next day, but there was lots of laughing. Second time, was with people I had never met before. But it was also a hilarious time, with Ilia giving a really strong belay.

6. Humpback Mountain.  Katherine decided we were going to go for a "baby" hike since her super awesome boyfriend, Kyle, would be joining us for the adventure. It was probably one of my favorites from the summer. We woke up early, got a sweat in, and Kyle was nice enough to carry up some Rainiers for us:) Not to mention, Katherine and I made a pretty rad rap video.

5. Leavenworth, Washington Climbing. The West Ridge of Mount Stuart ended up being a bust, because I was not ready for a Sufferfest. It was the right call to head to Leavenworth and get some Cragging and Raspberry Wheat Beer time. I love Leavenworth and the fact that I was able to get in a multi-pitch climb in. There were some tears at Castle Rock when getting up the Jello Tower. Such as life, you got to cry sometime, and it will make you want the top more when you go back.

4. South Sister.  It was the first time I met my friends Lindsay and Tim. I picked Lindsay up bright and early to drive to Bend, Oregon. We started our summit bid a bit late, but I tell you the top looked fabulous when we got there and the sunset coming down was breathtaking. I was very happy to be a part of Lindsay's first major summit, and look forward to our future adventures.

3.  Gothic Basin/Del Campo Peak Attempt.  At some point, I forgot that it was not summer anymore when planning this trip. It was the last two days of September, and I was in need of an adventure in a bad way after suffering a little bit of heartbreak.  We hit the trailhead late, and had to end up setting up camp on the side of a trail. Such as life right? The next morning we woke up  bright and early and found ourselves at Foggy Lake. I think someone forgot to tell Mother Nature that is was no longer summer. It had to have been in the 70s and we hiked all day in our sport bras. As we made our attempt at Del Campo Peak, we were stopped by a couple who told us we were headed the wrong way.... This was a huge mistake, always trust yourself. Not the couple hiking in sandals, we ended up not making it to the top and had to turn around. The day was truly splitter. It was the perfect way to celebrate the ending of September.

2. Mount Shuksan/ SEWS.  I really thought this was going to be my top memory from 2015. This was the trip that changed me. Where I was lucky enough to go with someone who is a really great teacher and opened my eyes to the wonders of the alpine.  When I went on this trip for my birthday, I thought that I was trying to transition into a mountaineer. Something about a rope and rock got to me though.  I could go on forever about everything that was amazing about this trip, but I will spare you all of the details. This trip, really showed me that I could do anything I put my heart and mind too. It opened my eyes to the Alpine, and that life was not all about the Rainiers and Bakers, but more about the Forbiddens and Stuarts.

En Route to Mount Shuksan High Camp

1. Joshua Tree National Park Red Rock Canyon.  Yup, this is the one. The one that solidified, that I love climbing. Joshua Tree was brutal on my hands, my heart, and yeah, there were some tears.I loved  it, the landscape, and the challenge. Sure, I know I am sloppy, new climber right now, but it gave me something to aspire to. Joshua Tree opened my eyes to what I want to be and where I want to be. Red Rock was just the cherry on top.  I want to live and breath climbing. I may be starting a little late in the game, but hey, you got to start somewhere.

Notable mentions for the year would be my most recent trip to Aspen where I got to get on some ice, some time spent at Exit 38, and Snow Lake this summer with beers and floaties.

2016, will be an exciting one with a lot of hard work needing to be put in. My main focus will be climbing like a crazy woman, getting my Wilderness First Responder, hopefully taking a 12 day course on Alpine and Technical Leadership, and taking off the entire month of October (or ROCKTOBER) to travel to places like Yosemite, Zion, and Wyoming to live that dirtbag life.

Take care all. Until the Next Adventure.

COM·MU·NI·TY

COM·MU·NI·TY

She's my ride or die chick.  (Photo by Cliff Birdsall)

The year is coming to an end. It is kind of crazy, the first of January will mark a full year since I decided to take control of my life, and boy what a difference a year makes.The evolution of who I have become over the last year was quite the journey. It has been a year full of laughter, tears, pain, and finding new passions.  Along the way, I have had the pleasure of connecting and re-connecting with some pretty incredible people. Without these people in my life, I would be nothing. 

The support of my community (friends and family) has been pivotal. This year, I had to get over the heartbreak of losing something I thought I loved, my father's battle with cancer, losing a furry companion, and the journey of finding myself. I have been #blessed with how loving and excepting my community has been to me. The people that share the passion of the outdoors have been some of the most selfless people I have ever met. I heard once, that a mountain friend is a forever friend. As silly as it sounds, it is totally true. People for all walks of life can just be themselves in the mountains. It does not matter how much money you make, where you are from, because everyone just accepts you. There is a mutual respect for those who share the stoke.

High Fives All Around at Mount Baker Ski Area (Photo Credit: Mitch Pitman)

To some people, the mountains may just be an escape. But it is the very thing that gives us our life, fuels our fire. Sadly, as  the risk get higher, members of the community are lost. Perhaps, that is why we love each other so much, the thing that makes our bond so close. Life is too short, and we are all fully aware. Every moment spent with each other is something that should be savored. The memories that I have made this year could last a lifetime.

When I started hiking, I did not really think that I was capable of much else. Although, I had big mountain dreams. To be honest, without my community, I would have never pursued my dreams. Thanks especially to Katherine, for seeing my badassery even when I couldn't see it. I am not going to lie, you have to weed through the bullshit of the fake people in life. 

No one should ever let anyone dull their sparkle. Although, the process of finding out who is really a member of your community and who is not can be a painful one. You have to be selfish with who you surround your self with. I would do anything for my friends and people close to me.

I guess, the motto of 2015, that I want to continue through 2016 would be, surround yourself with those who love you and push you to be better. Life is meant to be lived and spent with those you love. Not everyone will like you, but oh well, there loss. But the people who really love you, will be there for you through your successes and your failures. Always remember your self worth. The journey is the best part of life, not the destination (cliche, but so true). 

Trust your gut, follow your heart, and all the rest will make sense.

Until the next adventure. 

Skyline Ridge with Erin Cunningham and Katherine Scheulen.

Adieu

It's time to face reality.  The last days of summer have slipped through my fingers. I held on for as long as I could to the memories and the moments that shaped me this summer, but now it is time to bid summer adieu. This is the summer that changed me, where I found myself.

At the beginning of the spring, I found myself crying on the side of Mount Adams, convinced that I didn't have what it took to be a climber.  I thought that I was only meant for day hikes and backpacking trips. I stepped up my game and trained harder. Pushed myself to the limits, life was going pretty great. I found some sort of redemption on the South Sister just outside of Bend, Oregon. Plus, I made a  lifelong friend in that trip. I took floaties to alpine lakes, had my dance parties at the top of summits, and even managed to not kill myself with the worst hiking boots I ever owned.

Life has a funny way of sending you people in the most unexpected way. It was just another day, I was working wishing I was outside. When suddenly, I noticed a stranger was interested in sharing a Rainier on a summit of a mountain this summer. I had gotten those invites before, but this guy seemed to be legit. After a brief exchange and a good ol' fashion phone call (take note kids) we were set to meet and possibly rope up in the future.  Little did I know, this guy was going to change the very person I was becoming. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, whether it be for a short amount of time or for the long haul. So, we planned an adventure. Little did he know it would be only my third backpacking trip of my life. You all know what happened, I went to Washington Pass and Mount Shuksan. The experience moved me.

This blogpost is in a way, a big thank you to that person. This person has believed I was capable of doing things I never thought possible. Never in a million years did I think I would love rock climbing as much as I do now. I never thought I would have the physical capacity to climb for days on end, destroying my body in Leavenworth, Joshua Tree, and Red Rock Canyon.

I've loved being outside for a long time now. Now, it is my passion, and the only way I picture my life and my future. I am so thankful that I had a person who believed in me, and who was so patient and willing to let me tag along. Although they are lightyears ahead of me in their skill, because everyone deserves to have someone in their life that pushes them to be a better version of themselves.

This summer changed me, because I know that I am capable. It also provided me with so many beautiful moments.  Mountains are always teaching us something. Mount Adams taught me, that it is okay to fail. You are not really failing, you are just learning something about yourself. Mount Shuksan taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought. Rock Climbing, has awakened my very being.  Although, I have cried from fear, but everything I want is on the other side of fear. Find out what you are scared of, and conquer the shit out of it.

The most important thing learned this summer. Follow your passion and be thankful for the moments you do have. It's better to have a lifetime of memories, than expensive possessions.

To that person, thank you for showing me that I am capable and giving me memories to last a lifetime.

And to the Winter, bring it on.

Until the next adventure.

Behind the Smile

I have been wrestling with myself about writing this post. 

The journey to who I have become is not a rainbow and butterflies type of story. I am no celebrity, and am just a simple girl, from a simple town. Ultimately, I finally decided to write this post  because I want to encourage open dialogue on depression, anxiety, and suicide. 

Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide do not discriminate.They do not care how much money you have, how many friends you have, or how supportive your family is. Perception is a funny thing. Robin Williams was the funny guy, my generation grew up with him. Never to think that he himself was fighting a harder battle behind the smile. September marks National Suicide Prevention Month, and with my experiences of the past year, I have decided to finally open up about one of my biggest battles. The hardest battle we have is  the one with ourselves.

Growing up, I wanted to make sure I did everything right and was the perfect child. I barely drank and kept to myself. I was made fun of throughout middle and high school, because of how I carried myself and I was called terrible names. High school was brutal. Throughout those four years, I dreaded going to school, because I only saw myself as a waste. My depression and anxiety really started setting in around age 14. Self esteem  was a foreign concept to me, until a year ago.

At age 17, I started dating my first boyfriend. Things seemed great, until the first time he hit me. I can still remember the exact moment and place we were. When he reached over and gave me a fat lip. Many of you are gasping behind your computers thinking, how could she stand for that? I continued the relationship for almost 2 years. A relationship where I was abused, both physically and mentally. I felt isolated, like I deserved it, and it was my fault that he did what he did to me. 

I prepared myself for failure in every aspect of my life, refusing to let anyone in to know the real me. I have had two relationships since my first boyfriend, and I never let either of them completely in. My thought process was to not let them in all the way, because they would only be around until they found someone much better then I was. I was nothing, I mattered to no one, so why would I get my hopes up? 

My passions and desires have always been in the mountains, but again, I was not good enough. How could someone like me do anything amazing? I was only a weak person who could not do anything. The only control I ever had was knowing that I was not good enough.

I struggle to describe the depression and anxiety that consumed me. The shame that I felt for being me. I have hurt myself, starved myself, and have had thoughts that maybe life would be better for everyone if I was not around. No one on the outside would ever know that I struggled with this, not even those who "knew"  me. Depression is a bitch, because no one can understand it if they are not you. It consumes you, it is exhausting, and draining. Getting through the day is a feat in itself.

Finally, after losing what I thought was the most important thing in my life, I decided I could no longer walk the path I was on. Yes, I got a therapist,but two months later, I went on my first real hike in Washington. I was hooked. There could be no excuses on why I could not do it. Spending most of my teenage years dreaming of adventure, all the emotion and love for adventure came back to me. It took over my being. 

The most important thing about being outside is it forced me to look at myself. Every strength and flaw could not be hidden. I had to face who I was head on, nothing gets you thinking like being challenged and surrounded by nature. 

Mountain tops, alpine lakes, and slabs of rock have become my therapy. Nothing has provided me with better self-reflection. I have time to remember what is important, because there is a moment, when you realize how small you are and how little your problems are. Not a lot of experiences can set you straight like that. Sure, I have failed with attempts, but to me, they are not failures. They are experiences that I needed in order to be a better me. 

It was not until the I stood on top of Mount Shuksan, when it all came full circle and I realized how the mountains have changed me. Everything took over all at once, the tears and emotion.  My life is worth something. I am worth something. There is no longer a need to self-hate, but instead love myself. Not everyone gets it, and that is okay with me. My heart is finally full, and I do not need someone to validate my existence. When I feel myself getting stressed or worked up, I retreat to the mountains. I come back revitalized and at peace.

My desire is no longer to find myself behind a desk, working a 9-5, but instead to follow my passion. Life is meant for living, not for having a bunch of money and having a bunch of stuff. It's about living the life you want to live. You should wake up every day and know that you are worth something. 

Not every day has been perfect, but it has been a journey I would not trade in. The journey made me love myself and find what I love. When you figure that out, all the fake people fade away, and everyone that is meant to be in your life will love you regardless of the flaws. Also, for those struggling, I encourage you to seek help without shame.

I am not afraid to talk about my feelings anymore to those close to me. I have opened myself up to those who are close to me, let them in. They see me for me and it's a pretty amazing thing. It makes me sad to think that there are so many others out there like me fighting their inner battles. Society brands those with depression and anxiety as "weak" and "weird". No one is perfect, and there is no need for anyone to be ashamed of their journey. You have to fight like hell to get out of the darkness. I have my battles here and there, but am blessed to finally say I love myself. Behind my smile, is a girl who is truly with no apologies, happy. I do not allow toxic people in my life anymore.

Maybe we can all start practicing awareness to those in our lives. It sounds cliche, but you really never know who is fighting a harder battle. It's amazing what a kind word or coffee date can do for someone in their darkest moments. These battles don't make us weak, they make us beautiful.

The Next Chapter

It's been a while since my last blog post. I am about to embark on my third alpine climb, I really cannot believe that in a few days, I will be heading out to hopefully have a success summit of the West Ridge of Mount Stuart. A lot has changed in the past year, and in many ways, Mount Stuart will mark the closing of a chapter of my life.

When I started this blog, I was broken. Having no idea who I was or where I was going. My heart was broken and I did not have that sparkle in my eye. My heart has mended and I have found that thing that puts the sparkle in my eyes. I am so incredibly blessed for where the road has lead me. 

It's hard to describe my love of climbing. Every ounce of my being craves the challenge, and although, I am new to this alpine thing, it's hard to picture my life without it. The weird thing is, my focus has done a complete 180 since Mount Adams. I want to get better, I want the challenge. Hell, as I type this I look at the sores on my hands from my attempts of crack climbing. But it's satisfying, knowing what your body does for you.

Alpinism has changed my perception of myself and has truly made me value those who are important in my life. I never really realized it, but I left a piece of myself with every hike I took in the past year. The first hike of the year, Lena Lake, took away my excuses, I no longer would allowed myself to make excuses for who I am or for why I couldn't do anything after that hike. Mount Townsend gave me my first failure and made me realize what a mental game hiking can be, when I turned back a few hundred feet from the summit in fear of falling down a snowy slope.  Mount St Helens, took my heart in a huge way, it ripped it open with the desire for big climbs.  Mount Adams humbled me, made me take a good look at myself. I cried on that mountain because I felt like a failure. Maybe, I was not meant to be a climber. Then, the South Sister opened my eyes, and fueled the love again. The real love story is just beginning, South Arete and Mount Shuksan caused me to fall deep in love with alpinism.

I have many great friends who I have met through shared this shared passion. We push ourselves to be better than we know we are more than capable of. Perhaps, it's my friend Katherine, who I am most thankful for. She said that I am a more of a badass than I even know. She is truly, one of my number one supporters. 

Here is the funny thing, you think your life is going to be one way. I was content with my life, but it's funny how fast others can change you, show you that you are capable of more than you imagined. In July, I met someone who has become my mentor and a pretty incredible person in my life.  What is a mentor? Someone who sees your strengths and weakness, but pushes you to become more. Climbing should be fun, when you don't realize how hard you are working and climbing to a summit seems to fly by, that's when you know you are doing it right, you are with the right people.  The impact that he has made on me is going to last a lifetime, showing me that I am strong and capable.

Mountains should move you. I cried at the top of Mount Shuksan. Not of fear, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Nothing prepares you for those moments, when the world seems to stop. I never thought I would be doing any of this a year ago, I was so weak, I felt like I was nothing. Being on top of the South Arete and Mount Shuksan within  3 days of each other showed me how strong and able I am. Sharing the moment with your mentor and a person you care about, that's pretty amazing.

Like I said in the beginning, I am closing a chapter this weekend. The chapter of the depressed, anxiety driven, and weak little girl that I use to be. Reborn, I am strong, capable, hungry, and so ready to challenge myself every day. Nothing can make you see who you really are like a mountain, you are forced to look at yourself.  And I really like what I see. 

Until the next adventure.

Awake My Soul

Washington Pass, South Arete, after a splitter day, my first Alpine climb was a success. Photo by: C. Marshall Photography.

When was the last time you truly felt alive?

We constantly sell ourselves short on our abilities and often push our passions to the side because we believe we need to satisfy the demands that society places on us. Who really decided that working 50 plus hours a week was living? Can you remember the last time that you truly felt something? The last time  an experience was felt in the depths of your soul?

Preparing to enter the last year of my twenties, it was time to do something big to celebrate my growth personally and to reap the rewards of all my hard work over the past year. Of course, I crave a Mount Rainier Summit, but unfortunately, I do not think this will be my year for a summit with the warm conditions. Life has a funny way of working itself out at the end of the day. When I look back to a year ago, I cannot believe how much I have changed. My old self would not even recognize the person I have become. My life was full of negativity, both in my personal life and career. It seemed that I was in a constant state of depression and anxiety. Discovering my passion and the freedom that I gain from the mountains has forever changed me. No one defines me, and the people that I have connected with through the shared passion are life long friends. 

The plan: first alpine climb (South Arete) and first mountaineering experience (Mount Shuksan). I was sure not to mention to Chris Marshall, AMGA certified guide, during the planning of our trip to Washington Pass and Mount Shuksan would not be only my third backpacking trip, ever.  When I commit to something, I really commit, my first ever backpacking experience was to Lunch Counter on Mount Adams, and was followed up with a Memorial Day weekend trip to Marmot Pass. Living life out of my comfort zone is my favorite. Most people wonder how you prepare for these type of trips, and some laugh because it's easy to pay someone to short rope your ass to the top of a mountain. For me, I have trained, I have poured my heart and soul into the mountains. Spending any free time I have hitting the trails or gym. Rock climbing is a different story, I had not climbed since I was 22, and did not have much time to prepare. But when I get my mind set on something, I really get my mind set on it. This could be a bad trait, but it's all or nothing for me.

Chris Marshall and I getting a little warm up in at Fun Rock, the night before we headed to Washington Pass. 

I am not going to lie to anyone, I freaked myself out a little by watching You Tube videos of the South Arete (SEWS) and Mount Shuksan climbs. It was a really weird feeling to be terrified and so excited all at once. While packing, I thought a lot about what lead me to this passion, years spent obsessing over my big mountain dreams were starting to come full circle. I also thought of Liz Daley and how she continues to inspire me even in her death.

We left bright and early, for a 3 hours drive. This would be my first "real" North Cascades experience, and Chris was going to make sure I really got the best of it. We made our stops at Diablo Lake and the Washington Pass overlook, and made a quick trip to Fun Rock.

Fun Rock was a good test for me, Chris was sure to coach me through some moves and when I struggled coming up one route, he promptly told me I would be doing it again. Fun, right? It was amazing how much quicker I made it up the second time. The best advice from this warm up would be to breath and to think about my foot work. It wasn't a race, so why try to hurry up it.


[Side note, there is a delicious bakery off the freeway in Mount Vernon that shares a space with a antique store. Go to the bakery, they make the most delicious Cinnamon Rolls I have ever had in my life.]

We enjoyed a delicious dinner at our camping site and prepared for our early morning. Was I stoked when we woke up the next day? YES! We arrived at the South Arete after a hike in which I had my first baby goat experience, no one told me they were so cute. 

Harness and helmet were on, I was ready! Shout out to Petzl for making the best stuff ever. It was a splitter day and I took in everything. It was pretty rad to start using the lingo of rock climbing, and the top came quicker than expected. We made it, to the top boulder of the South Arete. It did not seem real, kind of like a dream. Did I really do this? The moment on the top of the boulder was short lived, it was covered in flying red ants. Nobody said climbing was glamorous. Snapped our photos, and only went a few feet down to share our first summit Rainier together.

Summit of SEWS (C. Marshall Photography)

Satisfied. That's the  best word to describe how I felt after the summit of SEWS. Sure, to avid climbers it is an easy climb, but you have to start somewhere. Needless to say, I have my eye on the Liberty Bell for my next trip to Washington Pass. I would say, at 29, I never thought that I would be completing my first successful alpine climb.

We camped that night and enjoyed the fruits of our labor with some whiskey. Tomorrow morning would come early, and we would need to be at the ranger station to get our camping permit for Mount Shuksan. Somebody pinch me, because this shit did not seem real.

Permit was in hand by 7:30am and we headed to Mount Shuksan. I still had failed to mention to Chris that this was my third backpacking trip, ever. When we arrived at the trailhead, I expected to be more nervous, but wasn't. I loaded up my pack, and I always pack too much food, and I have learned that my sleeping bag is WAY to HEAVY. My packed weighed anywhere from 35-40 pounds. Off we went, seriously, was this real? About an hour into the hike is when Chris finally started asking me about all my backpacking trips I have been on. The look on his face when I told him this was my first, was priceless. Yup, I go hard or go home.

Thank goodness for energy chews and fresh spring water, because your body doesn't want much of anything when you are sweating your ass off and have weight strapped to your back. I think finally arriving at the snow was the final push I needed.  

Just after  crossing the National Park Boundary for our final push to Mount Shuksan High Camp.
(Photo by C. Marshall Photography)

Thank goodness for energy chews and fresh spring water, because your body doesn't want much of anything when you are sweating your ass off and have weight strapped to your back. I think finally arriving at the snow was the final push I needed. Seeing the Crystal and Sulphide Glaciers and the summit pyramid was pretty epic. I was going to do this, nothing was going to stop me. Everything I wanted was on the other side of fear. This is the motto I live by.

Home Sweet Home.

Arriving at High Camp on Mount Shuksan, Crystal and Sulphide Glaciers and Summit Pyramid in the Background.
(Photo by C. Marshall Photography)

We got the best spot at high camp, I like to think we got VIP because there was only one other group.   After unpacking,  it started to sink in,  everything I had accomplished to get to this moment. Dinner was prepared on what will be referred to as "Sunset Rock," you are so close to Baker, you can almost touch it. The sunset, was not too bad either, especially with the moon coming out early. Full moons have a way of touching your soul. I've never been in a more beautiful place, being alive, feeling everything, this is what it's about. The way the beauty of a place can really touch you, shape who you are. That is what it is all about. This is a perfect memory.

Wake up call, 2:30am. Coffee in my sleeping bag, can't be beat. Crampons, helmet, ice axe, harness, let's rope up. 

Oh, to be a mountaineer.  I was robotic in my movements as we started for the glacier. Making sure to mimic Chris's movements as he lead the way. The moon lit up our path, there was almost no need for our headlamps. The air was crisp and warm. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. The first sunlight of day hit the North Cascades and the gapping crevasses.  I felt no fear, no terror, just joy for the beauty that this world had to offer me.

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Sunrise at Mount Shuksan (Photo by C. Marshall Photography)

We made our way to the Southeast Rib. Crampons and Ice Axe were packed away. The climb started, and for a moment, the fear took over.  There was a pep talk, and an inner dialogue with myself, that I could do this, because I wanted to the top. Nothing was going to stop me. I watched Chris climb up the rib, he made it look easy. Every moment he made was so graceful and thought out.  Footwork, that was my constant thought, and to stop hugging my body to the rock. As I went ascended, I repeated to myself everything he had said as he went up. 

Finally, we made it. The top? Really? I did it? Seriously?

I sat for a moment, Chris pointed out that you could see Mount Rainier, Glacier Peak, and pointed to Canada. I soaked it in, took a swig of whiskey. Thanks Chris for taking the extra weight.

It hit me. 

A year ago, I would have never imagined that I would be here. So happy, so satisfied, and able to demand so much of my body. I thought of Liz again and others that have lots their lives to their passions. It shook me to the core of my existence.  The tears came, because I was truly moved by the experience of the past few days. This was my life, and I was living it. If I died tomorrow, I knew that I lived it. 

All moments, contained this moment.

I can spare you the boring parts of being lowered, rappelling, being short roped, and the powering down the glacier. It was a good celebration that evening upon returning to town, and a extended celebration at the Sounders game.  

Lessons learned, I am addicted to alpine rock. Hiking was my gateway drug, and I am hungry for more. I have the most supportive and best teacher with Chris. He has taught me so much in such a little amount of time. Happiness is truly best shared. My mind is full of dreams of peaks including, Stuart, Prussik, and of course still Rainier.

Until the next adventure.

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South Sister Redemption

It's been about a month since I climbed the South Sister in Bend, Oregon. But I am still dreaming about it. For those of you who read my blog, you know that I had a huge disappointment when I got in my own head at Mount Adams a few months ago. It was a really tough thing for me, and I thought maybe I was not cut out to be on big mountains. Instead of dwelling on this thought, I decided I needed to step my game up and train harder. I could not let a failure define me.

The gym has become more of a place where I go to ensure that I am healthy and strong for my dreams. I HATE working out my arms and back, but this has become a huge focus for my training, especially when it comes to a 20-30 pound pack. I take weight everywhere I go, and it isn't always my favorite, but I feel much stronger every time.  I also am making it a priority to be outside at least twice a week. I know, you are all wondering how I do this. I had the corporate job worked 50-60 hours a week, and now I wonder why I ever did that. 

Happiness is not about all the money you make, but about doing what your heart loves. My heart loves being outside and challenging myself. I would rather be able to barely pay my bills than live a life where I cannot follow my passions.

For those of you interested, the South Sister is awesome. But it is also a total mind f&%. She goes by the name Charity, and is the third highest mountain in Oregon next to Mount Hood and Jefferson. Driving into Bend, you see the Sisters sitting pretty and you start to get the  butterflies. There is something about looking at a mountain and knowing you will be climbing it that really gets you excited.  We got a little bit later start than we wanted, but I didn't intend it to take us almost 6 hours to get to Bend, Oregon. Oh well, we made it, and set out on our adventure.

You start the hike at the Devil's Lake Campground. This campground is so gorgeous! Make sure you stay here. The trail is gentle and you spend a lot of time in the woods the first few miles. The trail then opens up to peek-a-boo views of Moraine Lake, there were lots of campers who found their way down to the lake on this hot day. This is also a great place to soak in some sun and have a quick bite, because the trail is going to start kicking your butt shortly. After leaving Moraine Lake, life gets real, you start your steady gain through a little wooded area. The wooded area is short lived and you find yourself starting your first of many approaches. 

This is where you think you see your summit. Don't get too excited, because this is just your first false summit. The snow was soft enough that I was able to kick steps in with my mountaineering boots. The differences where obvious to me when it came to this climb, as compared to Mount Adams. I felt strong, not once did I feel like my body was too tried. No thoughts of "I can't do this" came to my mind. This is what I was training for, I am strong and  can do anything.

There was one spot on the trek that made me a little scared, there was a stretch of ice that you had to cross over that was a 5,000 plus drop. An Ice Axe would not save you if you fell, a few months ago, this would have stopped me in my tracks. But what the hell, YOLO. After you climb up this area, to what you think will be the summit (and you should never think anything is the summit), you get to Tear Drop Pond. Quite a fitting name for a pond that takes you over your first false summit.

We pushed on-ward and up-ward. Up steep snow and ice to make it to what we thought would finally be the summit. It was comical to us at this point to get to the "top" only to be disappointed once again. We were in what I would refer to as the crater rim. To get to the actual summit, you get to go up a scree field and inch on over.

Charity is a bitch. For lack of better terms. But I love her, I loved every minute of it and can't wait to go back. The day was perfect, the conditions were perfect, and life, well, I cannot complain. Life isn't about the daily commutes and day to day "work". It's about these moments, the moments you can never explain and never experience twice. The people you meet on these trails are amazing and you can make a best friend just from a single climb.

I want to also give a quick shout out to the gentleman who was nice enough to find my Patagonia jacket and return it to me. I love that Nano Puff and plan on making a lot more memories with it. So thank you for making that possible.

Thank you South Sister, for reminding me that I am strong and can do anything I put my mind and heart too.

Mount Adams, I am coming for you.


Until the next adventure.

Dreams.

Early Morning Sun at Mount Rainier National Park, on my way up to Camp Muir. Loving my Gregory 35 L Sage Pack.

When I close my eyes at night, I see snowy mountain tops and beautiful alpine lakes. You could call it a bit of an obsession since I went on my first hike up to Lena Lake this year. How great it is to be living the what you dream about? Sure, I know find myself dreaming of the summits of  Washington volcanoes, but I cannot believe how far I have come.

Let's think about it, what makes a person become an addict for these type of adventures? There is nothing glamorous about the call of hiking and mountaineering. It is completely understandable why many would prefer to go to the lake on a nice day as compared to hanging out on the Muir Snowfield. To be honest,  I was in a very dark place, I did not love myself and did not know myself. I paid for therapy, but nothing made more sense than testing my strength, endurance, and mental health like the mountains.

The mountains don't sugar coat the truth. They put you in your place when you need it, and they make you work for the view. It is a great reminder that nothing in life worth having is easy. Nothing in life will just be given to you. For me, it is a constant reminder that I am much stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. Sure, I get scared shitless, knowing that in a moment if I fall, that could be it, my time could be up. Maybe, mountaineering or hiking is for the partially insane. The inner dialogue that I have with myself must be quite entertaining. I truly believe that everything I want, is on the other side of fear.

For us "nature addicts" this carries over into our everyday lives. We no longer compare ourselves to others. We really no longer care, because we see things differently as we continue to test ourselves physically and mentally. We now, rate ourselves on how we did on our adventures, not how drunk we got with friends over the weekend. I much prefer to go to bed early on Friday night, to be up early for a hike on Saturday. Weird huh?

I've been single for almost a year, and not once have I been sad and distraught that I am alone. My life is so full, and honestly, giving up my adventures or having to worry about someone else and their happiness is not really a desire at this point. It will be hard for me to settle down, and that person that does eventually make the cut, will probably be pretty rad.

The friendships that are made in the mountains are lifelong bonds that cannot be explained. There is a mutual understanding that you want to feel and experience everything because life is so short and you all see the beauty in it.

I guess that doesn't explain it, but I will take my sunburnt scalp, the feeling of a summit, and my friendships over anything in this world. Because it's life, and I chose to live it.

Until the next adventure.

Clarity

 Clarity

Devil's Lake (Outside of Bend, Oregon)

I'll never have a lot of money, drive a fancy car,  or define myself with material items, and may never find that soulmate that so many people are looking for. I am okay with all of these things, because I am complete without these things. It took me a very long time to realize that being me is enough. I never knew how much of myself I was missing, how much of myself I had buried down deep inside to be what society has wanted me to be. 

My life took a strange turn of events in the past year. Things that have happened that would have broken me in the past have not broken me.  I have come to accept and deal with my demons. Things that broke me last year, have had no effect on me anymore.  I no longer care what people think about me, because I have such amazing people in my life.

If someone told me that I would be doing what I am doing now last year, I would have never of believed them. Life has a funny way of showing you the things that matter when you start to let go of the things that do not matter. You are the only person who can make yourself happy. I control my happiness and  I will allow no man or woman to belittle me.

 That's right, no one can make you happy. Keep searching for that someone that is supposed to complete you and make you happy, you won't find it. That person that you are looking for is you.

I had been lost for a very long time. No idea who I was, but it was on a trip to Penrose State Park that I decided to take control and follow my heart. It was time for me, to be me. Regardless if anyone thought I could do it.

January 1, 2015. I woke up knowing that this year was going to be different and no one could stop me from what my heart was telling me. As a kid, I spent so much time up the Coeur d' Alene River. I never felt so at home in the woods of my childhood. Reading "Into Thin Air," sparked my interested in mountaineering, the fact that people would risk their lives to climb the highest peak in the world.  I got my feet wet with Mount Washington in New Hampshire after being in an abusive relationship as a teenager. It meant so much to me, proving to myself that I could do it. The coordinates are tattooed on my body so I never forget that I am stronger than I think I am.

It took about 6 years for me to remember that I was stronger than I remembered. That's where you will find me now. Hiking and climbing is my passion, so many people have laughed at me and said I could not do it. Guess what? I am doing it, proving them all wrong.  You can do it too, you have to start somewhere, you have to dream big.

That's what I am doing, dreaming big. I've climbed volcanoes, sometimes they win, sometimes I win. Life has become sort of a dream to me. The world I see, is a world that not many will ever get to see. I can never describe the beauty of the mountains, the that feeling takes over when I am pushing my body so hard that I can't give up because my goal is in site. Sure, I have failed, Mount Adams still haunts me. My passion is so strong that I find before an adventure like a child the night before Christmas.  I never sleep well before I go out, because to me, I am the luckiest girl in the world. Who gets to live their dream a few days a week and have friends who enjoy sharing it?  

Yeah,  I am that person who enjoys the dirt underneath my nails, ache from the climb, sweat from my hard work, and the mental game I play every time I am out. Sure, I share everything on Social Media--not to be "cool," but to show everyone that they can do it too.  At 28, I took control of my life, decided I needed to start living it. Letting life pass you by is a terrible thing. I couldn't be a guest in my own life, I needed to be the captain. Anyone can do it, anyone can follow their dreams. You have to start somewhere. I went from Penrose State Park to the South Sister in 7 months. I do something that scares me at least a few days a week. I truly believe that everything I want from life is on the other side of fear. 

Every moment is so important. The colors of the world have never been more vivid or beautiful, because I take time to notice that. Remember how blessed I am to be alive and live where I live. You know? Life is really beautiful, if you take time to see it.  Clarity, it is an amazing thing. I hope you get a chance to see the world I see. Words cannot describe the beauty.

Until the next adventure.