Behind the Smile

I have been wrestling with myself about writing this post. 

The journey to who I have become is not a rainbow and butterflies type of story. I am no celebrity, and am just a simple girl, from a simple town. Ultimately, I finally decided to write this post  because I want to encourage open dialogue on depression, anxiety, and suicide. 

Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide do not discriminate.They do not care how much money you have, how many friends you have, or how supportive your family is. Perception is a funny thing. Robin Williams was the funny guy, my generation grew up with him. Never to think that he himself was fighting a harder battle behind the smile. September marks National Suicide Prevention Month, and with my experiences of the past year, I have decided to finally open up about one of my biggest battles. The hardest battle we have is  the one with ourselves.

Growing up, I wanted to make sure I did everything right and was the perfect child. I barely drank and kept to myself. I was made fun of throughout middle and high school, because of how I carried myself and I was called terrible names. High school was brutal. Throughout those four years, I dreaded going to school, because I only saw myself as a waste. My depression and anxiety really started setting in around age 14. Self esteem  was a foreign concept to me, until a year ago.

At age 17, I started dating my first boyfriend. Things seemed great, until the first time he hit me. I can still remember the exact moment and place we were. When he reached over and gave me a fat lip. Many of you are gasping behind your computers thinking, how could she stand for that? I continued the relationship for almost 2 years. A relationship where I was abused, both physically and mentally. I felt isolated, like I deserved it, and it was my fault that he did what he did to me. 

I prepared myself for failure in every aspect of my life, refusing to let anyone in to know the real me. I have had two relationships since my first boyfriend, and I never let either of them completely in. My thought process was to not let them in all the way, because they would only be around until they found someone much better then I was. I was nothing, I mattered to no one, so why would I get my hopes up? 

My passions and desires have always been in the mountains, but again, I was not good enough. How could someone like me do anything amazing? I was only a weak person who could not do anything. The only control I ever had was knowing that I was not good enough.

I struggle to describe the depression and anxiety that consumed me. The shame that I felt for being me. I have hurt myself, starved myself, and have had thoughts that maybe life would be better for everyone if I was not around. No one on the outside would ever know that I struggled with this, not even those who "knew"  me. Depression is a bitch, because no one can understand it if they are not you. It consumes you, it is exhausting, and draining. Getting through the day is a feat in itself.

Finally, after losing what I thought was the most important thing in my life, I decided I could no longer walk the path I was on. Yes, I got a therapist,but two months later, I went on my first real hike in Washington. I was hooked. There could be no excuses on why I could not do it. Spending most of my teenage years dreaming of adventure, all the emotion and love for adventure came back to me. It took over my being. 

The most important thing about being outside is it forced me to look at myself. Every strength and flaw could not be hidden. I had to face who I was head on, nothing gets you thinking like being challenged and surrounded by nature. 

Mountain tops, alpine lakes, and slabs of rock have become my therapy. Nothing has provided me with better self-reflection. I have time to remember what is important, because there is a moment, when you realize how small you are and how little your problems are. Not a lot of experiences can set you straight like that. Sure, I have failed with attempts, but to me, they are not failures. They are experiences that I needed in order to be a better me. 

It was not until the I stood on top of Mount Shuksan, when it all came full circle and I realized how the mountains have changed me. Everything took over all at once, the tears and emotion.  My life is worth something. I am worth something. There is no longer a need to self-hate, but instead love myself. Not everyone gets it, and that is okay with me. My heart is finally full, and I do not need someone to validate my existence. When I feel myself getting stressed or worked up, I retreat to the mountains. I come back revitalized and at peace.

My desire is no longer to find myself behind a desk, working a 9-5, but instead to follow my passion. Life is meant for living, not for having a bunch of money and having a bunch of stuff. It's about living the life you want to live. You should wake up every day and know that you are worth something. 

Not every day has been perfect, but it has been a journey I would not trade in. The journey made me love myself and find what I love. When you figure that out, all the fake people fade away, and everyone that is meant to be in your life will love you regardless of the flaws. Also, for those struggling, I encourage you to seek help without shame.

I am not afraid to talk about my feelings anymore to those close to me. I have opened myself up to those who are close to me, let them in. They see me for me and it's a pretty amazing thing. It makes me sad to think that there are so many others out there like me fighting their inner battles. Society brands those with depression and anxiety as "weak" and "weird". No one is perfect, and there is no need for anyone to be ashamed of their journey. You have to fight like hell to get out of the darkness. I have my battles here and there, but am blessed to finally say I love myself. Behind my smile, is a girl who is truly with no apologies, happy. I do not allow toxic people in my life anymore.

Maybe we can all start practicing awareness to those in our lives. It sounds cliche, but you really never know who is fighting a harder battle. It's amazing what a kind word or coffee date can do for someone in their darkest moments. These battles don't make us weak, they make us beautiful.

The Next Chapter

It's been a while since my last blog post. I am about to embark on my third alpine climb, I really cannot believe that in a few days, I will be heading out to hopefully have a success summit of the West Ridge of Mount Stuart. A lot has changed in the past year, and in many ways, Mount Stuart will mark the closing of a chapter of my life.

When I started this blog, I was broken. Having no idea who I was or where I was going. My heart was broken and I did not have that sparkle in my eye. My heart has mended and I have found that thing that puts the sparkle in my eyes. I am so incredibly blessed for where the road has lead me. 

It's hard to describe my love of climbing. Every ounce of my being craves the challenge, and although, I am new to this alpine thing, it's hard to picture my life without it. The weird thing is, my focus has done a complete 180 since Mount Adams. I want to get better, I want the challenge. Hell, as I type this I look at the sores on my hands from my attempts of crack climbing. But it's satisfying, knowing what your body does for you.

Alpinism has changed my perception of myself and has truly made me value those who are important in my life. I never really realized it, but I left a piece of myself with every hike I took in the past year. The first hike of the year, Lena Lake, took away my excuses, I no longer would allowed myself to make excuses for who I am or for why I couldn't do anything after that hike. Mount Townsend gave me my first failure and made me realize what a mental game hiking can be, when I turned back a few hundred feet from the summit in fear of falling down a snowy slope.  Mount St Helens, took my heart in a huge way, it ripped it open with the desire for big climbs.  Mount Adams humbled me, made me take a good look at myself. I cried on that mountain because I felt like a failure. Maybe, I was not meant to be a climber. Then, the South Sister opened my eyes, and fueled the love again. The real love story is just beginning, South Arete and Mount Shuksan caused me to fall deep in love with alpinism.

I have many great friends who I have met through shared this shared passion. We push ourselves to be better than we know we are more than capable of. Perhaps, it's my friend Katherine, who I am most thankful for. She said that I am a more of a badass than I even know. She is truly, one of my number one supporters. 

Here is the funny thing, you think your life is going to be one way. I was content with my life, but it's funny how fast others can change you, show you that you are capable of more than you imagined. In July, I met someone who has become my mentor and a pretty incredible person in my life.  What is a mentor? Someone who sees your strengths and weakness, but pushes you to become more. Climbing should be fun, when you don't realize how hard you are working and climbing to a summit seems to fly by, that's when you know you are doing it right, you are with the right people.  The impact that he has made on me is going to last a lifetime, showing me that I am strong and capable.

Mountains should move you. I cried at the top of Mount Shuksan. Not of fear, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Nothing prepares you for those moments, when the world seems to stop. I never thought I would be doing any of this a year ago, I was so weak, I felt like I was nothing. Being on top of the South Arete and Mount Shuksan within  3 days of each other showed me how strong and able I am. Sharing the moment with your mentor and a person you care about, that's pretty amazing.

Like I said in the beginning, I am closing a chapter this weekend. The chapter of the depressed, anxiety driven, and weak little girl that I use to be. Reborn, I am strong, capable, hungry, and so ready to challenge myself every day. Nothing can make you see who you really are like a mountain, you are forced to look at yourself.  And I really like what I see. 

Until the next adventure.