Part 4

Gratitude

Photo By Laura Berridge

I was consumed once. Consumed by everything I thought I needed to be happy.

The past is a funny place, especially when the present is completely different. I remember being a little girl and feeling alone. Feeling like I did not belong, that I would never find my way. My adult life was not much different. The desire to be accepted and loved consumed me. I thought that the more things I had, the happier I would be. Does the "stuff" really make me happy?

Nine months ago, I felt noble. Noble because I was strong enough to sell all of my material items and condense my life down to nine boxes to store at my parents house. Everything I needed was packed into my car. My dad and boyfriend, Paul spent 6 hours the day before we took of to Smith Rock State Park making us a build out to better utilize our space. I kept thinking about all the stuff we still needed to "be happy" on our adventure. I kept wondering how we would be able to make it without certain items.

As it turns out, we did not need much to keep us happy. In hindsight, I can say, how lucky was I to spend the past 7 months living out of my tent and car? It was hard, I won't lie. Adjusting to my new life was very challenging. Now, I miss it.

I miss so much.

Brian and Matt. Their messy table at the bivy and their acceptance of who I am.

Albert and his extravagant breakfast. His dog, Hana's attitude and focus on catching any small animal she could get her paws on.

David's genie pants.

The party we had up at Skull Hallow where I was convinced that Q and Michael were a little to obsessed with the axe. I still giggle at Brian almost lighting himself on fire telling us all that he wasn't wet from the rain because he was dry by the fire.

Meeting the self-proclaimed "God" who had probably done way to much LSD to not believe it.

Albert playing my favorite songs on guitar.

Mandy's perfectly planned out days.

Alec's breakfast company and innocent giggle.

Walking to our tent with all of Smith lit up by the moonlight.

Sunsets.

The guy who knocked on people's tent claiming to be "Forest Service" and telling us to leave because we overstayed the 14 day limit at the bivy.

Kyle's banter at the picnic table and frequent flatulence.

Tony's emotional rollercoaster life. (He was the guy with the lifted van that said "Meaner than a junkyard dog" and played his music too loud)

Stan, Linda, and Bogey taking such good care of us when the smoke and heat were too much to bear.

Our bivy crew yoga.

Paul reading aloud to me in the tent while the sky was lit up.

All those things I think I needed, I didn't. What I really needed was to grow and change. I got lost for a while, consumed by things that did not serve me. I went into the experience with the expectation to become the best climber I could be. Really, I am coming out becoming the best human being I can possibly be. I was changed by the bivy crew. They forced me to look deeper into myself.  

The world around me has become a different place. I use to be consumed by what others were doing. Now, I find myself focused on improving myself and my personal relationships. Now as the holidays roll around, I find myself wondering what I could really need? 

I have so much gratitude for the things I already have. 

The experience of living out of my car and tent for 7 months is something I am still trying to fully understand. I have all the love I could want, all the things that I need (although, some new skis and mountaineering boots would be nice), and friends that I will have for a lifetime. 

As we start the season of consumerism. I challenge everyone to count all the things you have that money can't buy. 

And to the bivy crew.

I love you all.

Part Three

Part Three:  Social Media

You have no business on that route.

  

She only climbs to be cool.

Did you do that just for the picture?

Do you even really climb?

All of these things echoed throughout my mind constantly while I was at Smith Rock this season.  I felt like I had some much pressure to climb hard, all of my friends were leading and climbing all these amazing mountains.

 And me? I was endlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed, jealous. Jealous that I was not doing things that others were. I could not get out of my funk. Climbing use to be something that brought me so much happiness, it was my escape. Here I was, I sold all my belongings and was living out of my car. But I did not even want to do the thing that I had quit society for. The insecurity that I felt about my climbing did not make it fun. As a typical millennial, I believed that there were so many expectations for me to climb hard, even I thought I should be climbing hard. 

Honestly, I never really know how to respond when someone sends me a message asking me to climb with them. Apologizing for not being on my level, are you kidding me "my level"? The last 6 months, my level has equaled absolutely no stoke or drive to climb. The fact was that every time I felt the slightest bit of stoke I would get discourage, scared, or injured. 

Words that often came out of my mouth when leaving the park:

Do I even like climbing?

I think I am just going to quit climbing.

Maybe I made a huge mistake.

And the let's not forget about the tears.

Was everyone right? Did I actually have no business living this lifestyle? Was I a fraud? I felt sad, angry, and lost. I missed the mountains (sorry Oregon, Washington mountains have my heart), my friends, and granite. Everyone on social media seemed to be living these perfect lives with their successful summits. I felt everyone was growing, while I was falling behind.  I made no secret of my dislike to Smith Rock to the locals. To be honest, I just did not like myself. I became obsessed with Instagram and how lame my life seemed to be.  

Yeah, I know right? I was living the adventure, but my life was lame.  That is the shitty thing about depression, it does not care where you are in life to strike. I had all these goals for myself for last season, I wanted to climb more mountains and become a strong climber. Let me tell you something that sucks, when you are a strong climber, but your mind just won't allow it. 

But I really believed all those negative things that people said to me via social media. I hated pictures of myself. I was uncomfortable with my upper body, my shoulders and arms seemed to bulk up.  Why didn't I look like the girls I saw plastered all over the internet?  Why wasn't I as good as them?

Yeah, I know what the guys are thinking right now. Stop looking at the internet and stop caring. Wish I could have, but sometimes that is just not how your mind works.  After I few months, I started to get out of my funk. I got back on lead on a 5.10, was feeling strong.

I am strong.

I am confident.

I am capable.

Finally, I was believing it. The sharp end has a funny way of dealing with confidence. I took a 20 foot whipper and injured my pulley in the process. Wow, that was a blow. I was just starting to like this climbing thing again, and there it is, injured.  The self-hate sunk in again.  All I wanted was to find my sparkle again.

Let me tell you, the mountains are therapy.

We took a trip to The Enchantments and Mount Stuart in August. Exactly what the doctor ordered. We had a permit for an evening in the Enchantments and intended to climb Sherpa Peak. It was an amazing hike, perfect sunset, temperatures, and I felt connected to myself and Paul again. We awoke to rain that more, Sherpa Peak would have to wait. But the hike up to Colchuck Lake that afternoon was relaxing. 

 After a lovely two days in the Enchantments, we returned to Leavenworth for the night and Paul convinced me that we should try for the West Ridge of Stuart. All the thoughts of self doubt rushed in, I heard all the people who doubted me in my mind. This would also be the first time Paul and I would do  a big objective together.  This was my mountain, I wanted it bad. The first time I thought this was possible was two years ago, but I didn't want to sufferfest so I opted to turn around at Long's Pass to avoid rain/snow. Last year, I let my head, other people, and an injury get in my way. This mountain and I had unfinished business.  Paul and I really lucked out on this trip, weather was perfect. The hike in to Ingalls Creek was enjoyable and I although we had longed a lot of mileage we still were laughing and in high spirits. Opting to go fast and light, we left before daylight that morning, we had discussed a turnaround time, and felt pretty good as we started up the route.  

As the day went on, I remembered who I was. That I was capable, confident, and this was my element. Why had I listened so much and compared myself to others so often?  Sure, lots of people can climb hard at Smith Rock and that is awesome. But I am not sure how many people would willingly wear a forty pound pack on an approach (we had logged well over 35 miles over 4 days) and what we love to do is not everyone's idea of fun. As we approached what we thought were the 3 class ledges, I felt that the summit was finally going to happen. Sadly, the common thing that happens on the West Ridge is navigation errors. We had taken one wrong turn, it was 2:15, our turn around time was 3. There was no way that we would make it to the summit within 45 minutes. The climbing part did not take us long at all, but we knew the descent would be miserable. We had dealt with falling rock the enter way up and were thankful we were the only ones on the route. 

Getting down took 8 hours, I was delusional by the time we got to camp. Of course, I was disappointed that we did not make it to the summit. But I was exhausted, we stuffed our faces with snacks and passed out fast. The next morning, I was exhausted. Paul is a saint for dealing with my cranky attitude for the first hour on the hike out. My shoulders hurt, heavy packs aren't very forgiving. 

The trip to Washington was what I needed. Although I did not get the summits I thought I needed. I got what I needed, I was reminded of my love for the outdoors and climbing. The realization that I did not like cragging came shortly after, and guess what, I am okay with that. I kind of have a rule now, if I am not feeling the climbing that is okay. I am still spending time with my friends, and that is all that matters. The benefits of this trip were too many to count, but I was really happy to know that Paul and I were able to make excellent alpine partners. 

And you know what? All summer I was so obsessed with how lame my summer was compared to others on Social Media. I stopped caring. I stopped caring about how if I posted pictures from this trip if anyone would make a snarky comment about not reaching the summit, I stopped caring about how I looked, because I felt like the best me was coming back.

Sure, I had about a month and a half left at Smith Rock, but I didn't take it so seriously. We all only get one shot and no one cares what I am doing. And if they really want to make their rude and snarky comments what do I care? Their lives must be pretty lame if they want to worry about me.

I guess what I am trying to say is, since my Instagram has started to grow, I have noticed how others (and sometimes myself) can get really competitive about what you are climbing. To be honest, I stopped caring what others are doing, nor do I really care. The outdoors is the "cool" thing to do right now, which makes me sad that others may be missing out on the experience. I've been there, it sucks to miss out on the experience.  

My rant is basically this. 

BE YOU. Nobody else can do it.

BE SAFE. Make good judgement calls, do not rush into doing something you aren't prepared for the worst case scenario. Rope Rescue and Crevasse Rescue, those life saving skills to have.

BE PREPARED. Know that things can go wrong. And although you may be a 5.12 climber,  Class 4 & 5 feels a lot different than the alpine.

REMIND YOURSELF OF WHY YOU ARE DOING IT. If you are thinking about your Instagram pictures before you even get there, you may be doing it for the wrong reason.

PUT DOWN THE PHONE.  Just seriously, put it down. Who cares what so and so is doing.

And last, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR WHO YOU ARE. You are enough and if someone wants to make you feel like you aren't screw them.