Part 4

Gratitude

Photo By Laura Berridge

I was consumed once. Consumed by everything I thought I needed to be happy.

The past is a funny place, especially when the present is completely different. I remember being a little girl and feeling alone. Feeling like I did not belong, that I would never find my way. My adult life was not much different. The desire to be accepted and loved consumed me. I thought that the more things I had, the happier I would be. Does the "stuff" really make me happy?

Nine months ago, I felt noble. Noble because I was strong enough to sell all of my material items and condense my life down to nine boxes to store at my parents house. Everything I needed was packed into my car. My dad and boyfriend, Paul spent 6 hours the day before we took of to Smith Rock State Park making us a build out to better utilize our space. I kept thinking about all the stuff we still needed to "be happy" on our adventure. I kept wondering how we would be able to make it without certain items.

As it turns out, we did not need much to keep us happy. In hindsight, I can say, how lucky was I to spend the past 7 months living out of my tent and car? It was hard, I won't lie. Adjusting to my new life was very challenging. Now, I miss it.

I miss so much.

Brian and Matt. Their messy table at the bivy and their acceptance of who I am.

Albert and his extravagant breakfast. His dog, Hana's attitude and focus on catching any small animal she could get her paws on.

David's genie pants.

The party we had up at Skull Hallow where I was convinced that Q and Michael were a little to obsessed with the axe. I still giggle at Brian almost lighting himself on fire telling us all that he wasn't wet from the rain because he was dry by the fire.

Meeting the self-proclaimed "God" who had probably done way to much LSD to not believe it.

Albert playing my favorite songs on guitar.

Mandy's perfectly planned out days.

Alec's breakfast company and innocent giggle.

Walking to our tent with all of Smith lit up by the moonlight.

Sunsets.

The guy who knocked on people's tent claiming to be "Forest Service" and telling us to leave because we overstayed the 14 day limit at the bivy.

Kyle's banter at the picnic table and frequent flatulence.

Tony's emotional rollercoaster life. (He was the guy with the lifted van that said "Meaner than a junkyard dog" and played his music too loud)

Stan, Linda, and Bogey taking such good care of us when the smoke and heat were too much to bear.

Our bivy crew yoga.

Paul reading aloud to me in the tent while the sky was lit up.

All those things I think I needed, I didn't. What I really needed was to grow and change. I got lost for a while, consumed by things that did not serve me. I went into the experience with the expectation to become the best climber I could be. Really, I am coming out becoming the best human being I can possibly be. I was changed by the bivy crew. They forced me to look deeper into myself.  

The world around me has become a different place. I use to be consumed by what others were doing. Now, I find myself focused on improving myself and my personal relationships. Now as the holidays roll around, I find myself wondering what I could really need? 

I have so much gratitude for the things I already have. 

The experience of living out of my car and tent for 7 months is something I am still trying to fully understand. I have all the love I could want, all the things that I need (although, some new skis and mountaineering boots would be nice), and friends that I will have for a lifetime. 

As we start the season of consumerism. I challenge everyone to count all the things you have that money can't buy. 

And to the bivy crew.

I love you all.