2014 Lessons

Hello 2015.

   2014, was a year that was unexpected. If you would have asked me a few weeks ago, I would have told you it was one of the worst years of my life. But recent reflections have made me realize it was probably one of the most educational years of my life, on a personal and professional level. I do not believe in making New Years Resolutions. I believe in re-evalutioing and making the changes where they are needed. For 2015, I will remember:

1. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sounds silly, but it is the cold truth that all of us have either  gone through or will go through. You love someone so much, they are your best friend, but you keep having the same fights. You love this person with all your heart, and they you. Maybe that's the thing about great loves, your heart is so full of love for this person and you feel like your heart just might explode. This creates our fantasy world with this person, unrealistic expectations, and when we are let down, the love can't pull us through the tough times. It is a heartbreaking experience, and I am not sure how long it takes to heal. Maybe you never heal all the way, and take a piece of that person with you. 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”  ―Elizabeth Gilbert

2. Knowing your self worth (Professionally).  This year, I left a job that I loved, but the atmosphere made me absolutely miserable. I was very successful in making the company profitable, but the higher ups had other expectations on what I should be doing. I wasn't in the "clique" and wanted so badly to get their approval. Now, in hindsight, I wish I would have left long ago and realized they were the ones who were losing out. I will never work for someone who doesn't appreciate me, and won't value my work ethic. I know that I am worth so much more than the way they treated me, and I will never let someone try to make me feel so small again.

3. Knowing your self worth (Personally).  I can't chase someone who won't chase me, no one should. It is not fair to punish someone for their mistakes by pulling away and expecting them to do all the work, all the chasing. What are you running from? Love is never easy, it doesn't run smoothly. Ask anyone who has been married forever, they will tell you their were times they wanted to run for the hills. But they love that person and know that working through the hard times was what it was going to take. I never claim to be perfect, but I also know that if you love someone, you love the good with the bad. Why should someone get me at my best, if they can't love me at my worst?

4. Don't Over Think It. What's happened has happened, no need to think about it and obsess over it. Everything happens for a reason. Even though it is hard for us to understand in the moment. You don't need a plan in life, you just need to breathe, trust, and see what happens. Life is too short, just enjoy it.

5. Enjoy Nature. Live it.

6. Reflect.  Think before you speak, know your words will hurt. Take time to reflect, if you are hurting, feel it.  Don't let anyone control you or how you feel. It's okay to be you!

Now bring on the new year.

Typical

I went to a conference a few weekends ago, focused on Autism. One thing has stuck with me since this conference. The presenter mentioned the "typically developing person" and the "non-typically developing person." Things that make someone non-typical would be Depression, ADHD,  Anxiety, and ODD.

This sparked a thought in me, how many people are really "typical" ?

I didn't think much more about it, until I saw a friend this weekend. She has a ton of great things going for her. She is in a great relationship, has a pretty good job, and good friends. But her eyes were sad, when we started talking it was apparent that she was struggling with something. Of course, she couldn't pinpoint what it was and all she could think of she is depressed.

I saw myself in her and knew I was in her exact place very recently. Having an amazing boyfriend and life, but something deep inside of me was not letting me be happy. I had gained weight, not wanted to do anything, and just felt pathetic. For those of you who have never experienced this, it is terrible.

The worst part is that I already predicted the loss of my significant other, because of my inability to understand myself. I would wake up, crying, as if I was mourning the loss before it happened.  It would never be my wish that my friend go through the same loss and hurt that I have gone through.

My own life at this moment is quite a mess, but a beautiful mess. I do not know what the future holds for love and a relationship. This is my greatest bother, because I do not want to lose my best friend and the harsh reality is, I might. My job is coming to an end, and new doors are opening. Doors that I never imagined would open.
Time alone is helping me to really figure me out. What I like, what I had lost in myself, and what I need to be okay.

All I could do is listen to her.

Why do we all have these inner struggles that can cause us so much pain?

At the end of the day, I do not think anyone could say that their life is perfect. We all have our struggles, some more than others.  What is this typical person?  This is what I keep asking myself, and perhaps, the great secret is,  maybe there is no such thing?

The Art of Acceptance

The Art of Acceptance.

That's a funny thing to think about.  Do we ever truly accept things? Or do we just push thoughts and feelings out of our mind to protect ourselves from getting hurt. I know for me, this whole acceptance thing is really hard thing to deal with.

Accepting the fact, that I didn't get the childhood that I wanted. But does anyone?

But accepting the fact, that your childhood shapes you, that's tough. You have no one to blame, but it's these little things, the mistakes of our parents that really make us who we are.  We are products of our environment.

Can we blame our parents? Live in the world where we just point the finger that everything is their fault?  

If you are like me, you start to go through the stages, the stages of seeking guidance and understanding. 

Why am I, the way I am?

Sure, I am angry. If my parents are reading this, I am sure they will be pissed that I am bringing all of my family secrets to light. 

Life, it never turns out the way imagine. Imagine, our parents, young and dumb. Not thinking about how some of their stupid choices will change someone else's life. I am sure at 20, my mom had no desire to be a parent, hell, if I am honest, she never wanted to have kids. My mom and dad weren't in love and weren't high school sweethearts, there is no magically love story.  The truth is the matter is, they were lonely, and that's how I came about.

No one was prepared, and I don't know if they really truly have accepted the situation. In the end, they were terrible to each other and I lived a life without knowing my father. I was the throw away kid, the one that was the accident. I wasn't wanted, I was a mistake, and I think my mom saw that. I guess our parents do the best they can.

This is where that silly little word acceptance comes in.

At 28, I am accepting my childhood and my experiences. I had always hoped for better, and have spent a lot of years in denial of my flaws. The truth is, I am broken, and it's time to start putting the pieces together.  Although, my behaviors are learned, it's no longer an excuse. 

The road is very long. It's all about the baby steps.

Living in the moment. I've began this process of acceptance.  Somedays, I feel like I have made so much progress. Then one set back, and you feel like a failure, hopeless. That is when you have to remove yourself from the situation, accept what's done is done. I can't change my past, my parents, my actions, my mistakes, instead, I have to accept it. Move on with my life and take time to enjoy the moment.

That's what makes up life, the moments.

Penrose.

Penrose State Park

Lakebay, Washington

Pros:

Surrounded by the Sound, beautiful trees and wildlife.
Great for kids who want to "adventure"
Seals can be spotted during certain times of the year
Easy (!) nature paths hiking
Not a long drive if you live in the Tacoma area
BBQ & Picnic Tables
Bathrooms
Dog Friendly
Kayak Friendly



Cons:

$10 a day to park (do yourself a a favor, and just by the Discover Pass for $30 for the whole year)
Can get a little crowded
If you are looking for a challenge this isn't the place



Great day if your hiking plans fall through and you still want to enjoy natures beauty.

28.

It's weird how little girls grow up. At 10, I thought at 28, I would have so much more of what society expects from me. There would be the home that I shared with the love of my life, the career, and the well-behaved children. There would be no doubt in my mind that I would live up to society's expectations of what being happy looks like.

The truth is, I have spent twenty-eight years of my life being unsuccessful at love and unable conquer the expectations of society. Instead, I find myself newly single, and not by choice, but I know it is for the best. It's a weird feeling being broken up with and not really wanting it to happen. This person was my match in my mind, he got me, he understood my humor, and he really wanted me to be successful. It was my own inner demons that got the best of our relationship and I do not know if we will ever be able to repair it. It was me who broke the relationship, and to be honest, we probably jumped into it way to fast after my previous relationship. Maybe, he set me free, to find myself again and prove to myself that I can be alone.

The hard part is the being alone part. It's the day to day routine, when you get home and you just want to be with that person. Sometimes, you just need a hug and someone to tell you it's going to be okay. There are the break up rules that everyone expects you to follow: don't talk to the person, find someone else to occupy your time, work on hating that person, and whatever you do, don't let them see you hurt.

What if we throw all those rules out the window? Who made them anyways? No relationship is the same. I really wanted to hate him, it would have made things much easier.  It did not work that way for me, and I may be regretting that decision later. He was my best friend, we had a friendship first, and when we decided to make the jump to a love relationship, he became my best friend. Truthfully, he still is. I did everything in my power to push him away after I moved out, because it seemed to be the logical thing to do. My weakness for him as my friend made that impossible. Now I find myself still reaching out to him and to be honest, he does the same. I found myself out with some friends last night, just wondering why we are doing this to each other. Why can't two people who love each other work things out? Looking around, I just wanted to be laughing with him and enjoying my time with him.  I wonder if he feels the same. The fear of rejection will keep me from asking those questions.

The ultimate rejection has already taken place, by him telling me it was over.

Now, at 28, I am finally taking ownership of all the bad things I have ever said and trying to love and accept myself. Which you think would be an easy thing, but I have hated myself for too many years. I grew up knowing that I was never planned or wanted. And let me tell you, that does a number on someone's self-estem.  Of course, it was never my intention to be a mean person and say nasty things to the person I loved, but my inability to give myself to someone 100 percent emotionally finally caught up with me. It is scary to let someone love you all the way, because they may see that you really are just a throw away person. Why give them that control to hurt you?

The journey is not easy, and it never will be. When I look in the mirror, I see the pain in my eyes and can see how tired I am of running from life. It's been almost three months since the break up, I still feel myself wanting to just hate him, but I know that is not the healthy thing to do, at least for me. Right now, it's just one day at a time.

With one day at a time, I find that my thoughts are much easier to sort through. Enjoying the beauty in life has been my main focus, because no one knows the future and no one can tell me what is the best thing for me. It is giving me the time to decide what I really love to do. Life is beautiful, and it's way to damn short. Most importantly, I need to remember that. To tell the people I love that I love them and letting them love me.

Twenty-eight may be my best year yet, there are good things coming my way. I just know it.

I have to love myself, before anyone will love me.

Deep Breaths.