Typical

I went to a conference a few weekends ago, focused on Autism. One thing has stuck with me since this conference. The presenter mentioned the "typically developing person" and the "non-typically developing person." Things that make someone non-typical would be Depression, ADHD,  Anxiety, and ODD.

This sparked a thought in me, how many people are really "typical" ?

I didn't think much more about it, until I saw a friend this weekend. She has a ton of great things going for her. She is in a great relationship, has a pretty good job, and good friends. But her eyes were sad, when we started talking it was apparent that she was struggling with something. Of course, she couldn't pinpoint what it was and all she could think of she is depressed.

I saw myself in her and knew I was in her exact place very recently. Having an amazing boyfriend and life, but something deep inside of me was not letting me be happy. I had gained weight, not wanted to do anything, and just felt pathetic. For those of you who have never experienced this, it is terrible.

The worst part is that I already predicted the loss of my significant other, because of my inability to understand myself. I would wake up, crying, as if I was mourning the loss before it happened.  It would never be my wish that my friend go through the same loss and hurt that I have gone through.

My own life at this moment is quite a mess, but a beautiful mess. I do not know what the future holds for love and a relationship. This is my greatest bother, because I do not want to lose my best friend and the harsh reality is, I might. My job is coming to an end, and new doors are opening. Doors that I never imagined would open.
Time alone is helping me to really figure me out. What I like, what I had lost in myself, and what I need to be okay.

All I could do is listen to her.

Why do we all have these inner struggles that can cause us so much pain?

At the end of the day, I do not think anyone could say that their life is perfect. We all have our struggles, some more than others.  What is this typical person?  This is what I keep asking myself, and perhaps, the great secret is,  maybe there is no such thing?

The Art of Acceptance

The Art of Acceptance.

That's a funny thing to think about.  Do we ever truly accept things? Or do we just push thoughts and feelings out of our mind to protect ourselves from getting hurt. I know for me, this whole acceptance thing is really hard thing to deal with.

Accepting the fact, that I didn't get the childhood that I wanted. But does anyone?

But accepting the fact, that your childhood shapes you, that's tough. You have no one to blame, but it's these little things, the mistakes of our parents that really make us who we are.  We are products of our environment.

Can we blame our parents? Live in the world where we just point the finger that everything is their fault?  

If you are like me, you start to go through the stages, the stages of seeking guidance and understanding. 

Why am I, the way I am?

Sure, I am angry. If my parents are reading this, I am sure they will be pissed that I am bringing all of my family secrets to light. 

Life, it never turns out the way imagine. Imagine, our parents, young and dumb. Not thinking about how some of their stupid choices will change someone else's life. I am sure at 20, my mom had no desire to be a parent, hell, if I am honest, she never wanted to have kids. My mom and dad weren't in love and weren't high school sweethearts, there is no magically love story.  The truth is the matter is, they were lonely, and that's how I came about.

No one was prepared, and I don't know if they really truly have accepted the situation. In the end, they were terrible to each other and I lived a life without knowing my father. I was the throw away kid, the one that was the accident. I wasn't wanted, I was a mistake, and I think my mom saw that. I guess our parents do the best they can.

This is where that silly little word acceptance comes in.

At 28, I am accepting my childhood and my experiences. I had always hoped for better, and have spent a lot of years in denial of my flaws. The truth is, I am broken, and it's time to start putting the pieces together.  Although, my behaviors are learned, it's no longer an excuse. 

The road is very long. It's all about the baby steps.

Living in the moment. I've began this process of acceptance.  Somedays, I feel like I have made so much progress. Then one set back, and you feel like a failure, hopeless. That is when you have to remove yourself from the situation, accept what's done is done. I can't change my past, my parents, my actions, my mistakes, instead, I have to accept it. Move on with my life and take time to enjoy the moment.

That's what makes up life, the moments.